One of the first studies focusing on what it means to "have sex" was conducted by Stephanie Sanders and June Reinisch (1999) of The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. In this study, penile-vaginal intercourse was viewed by virtually all heterosexual college students (99.5%) as qualifying as having sex. Yet, only 81% considered penile-anal intercourse to be sex. Even more surprising, a majority of heterosexual college students (about 60%) did not view oral-genital sex as constituting sex.
The integrity-protecting nature of the strategic use of the concept of "have sex" was revealed by another finding in the study. Specifically, approximately 75% of individuals who had not yet engaged in penile-vaginal intercourse, but who had already engaged in oral-genital sex, felt that oral-genital sex did not really qualify as "having sex." This proportion was substantially greater than that of all college students who participated in the study, which as presented earlier was 60%. This suggests that individuals may have engaged in oral-genital sex rather than penile-vaginal intercourse as a strategy for avoiding "real sex;" in their minds, they remained technically virgins.
More recently, Zoë Peterson and Charlene Muehlenhard (2007) examined the specific motivations involved in the strategic use of the concept of "having sex." The researchers asked college students to think of their own experiences they considered to be "almost but not quite sex." The primary basis for not viewing the behavior as sex among these individuals was the absence of inserting the penis in the vagina. Other reasons given for distinguishing between behaviors identified as "having sex" and "not sex" were whether genital contact, nudity, sexual arousal, orgasm, or an exchange of body fluids had occurred. The behaviors cited as most difficult to clearly categorize as "sex" or "not sex" were oral-genital sex, brief or partial penile-vaginal penetration, and genital-to-genital contact without penetration.
Students were also asked about experiences that were "just barely sex." Their most frequent explanation for the reason the behavior was just barely sex was that penile-vaginal penetration had occurred.
Peterson and Muehlenhard additionally explored the motivations that underlie the tendency to avoid labeling certain sexual behaviors as "having sex." One strategy for uncovering individuals’ motivation was to ask them how they would have felt if the "not quite sex" behavior had actually been sex. Substantially more students (50%) indicated that they would have experienced negative emotions if the behavior had actually been sex than would have experienced positive emotions (14%).
Women were more likely than men to think that they would experience negative emotions if the behavior had been sex. Men were equally likely to believe that they would have experienced positive emotions as negative emotions. Women tended to be concerned that they would have lost their virginity or would feel bad about themselves, if the behavior had been sex. Men who thought they would have had negative emotions were concerned about having sex with the wrong person or that having sex would have harmed the relationship.
Beyond these motives for not viewing the behavior as sex, others included:
- not wanting to be perceived negatively by others
- not wanting to have cheated on a partner
- not wanting to behave inconsistently with one’s religious beliefs
- not wanting to challenge one’s heterosexual self-concept (p. 266)
Many of the individuals were in fact aware that the way they defined the behavior affected their understanding of the behavior. Peterson and Muehlenhard provided the example of one woman who reported that she had never "had sex" and that she was a virgin:
I gave him a blow job & he in turn gave me oral sex . . . . Now I am ashamed of it and I wish I had never done it. Because I lost all respect for him and myself.
[Why isn’t it sex?] B/c it was not intercourse.[Any conditions under which you WOULD consider the activity to be sex?] Yes. I have classified it as sex before b/c it’s called oral sex but to justify what I did (I’m a Christian) I told myself a lie.
[If it had been sex, how would you feel?] I would have cried afterwards. I would have been giving up something that I can never ever have back and that’s something that I want to give to my husband. I would be in severe depression . . . . (p. 262).
Other individuals provided similar, extremely forthright accounts of reinterpreting sexual behavior as nonsexual. Actually, in some cases, individuals intentionally interpreted an experience as sexual behavior that did not meet their own, earlier stated definition of "real sex." One example of such a case included a three-way sexual encounter that almost occurred, but was interrupted, and never really happened. A second example was what one individual described as "fooling around" while naked with genital contact, but it was not entirely clear whether brief vaginal penetration had taken place. Such individuals, many of them men, wanted to feel that they actually had engaged in sex with someone, or wanted to believe that they had engaged in an exotic sexual experience (e.g., a three-way).
The implications of these findings are profound and far-reaching, both at a personal level and with respect to scientific research. At a personal level, studies have indicated that people rely on discussions with their potential sexual partner to decide whether he or she has been infected with sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). They will consider engaging in sexual behavior if they get the sense that the partner has had little or no previous sexual experience, because they believe the risk for STDs is minimal.
Yet, the research discussed above indicates that a number of people purposefully define their past sexual history in a way that allows them to continue to view themselves as moral or virginal. Other research reveals that some proportion of people admit that they would lie to a potential partner in order to get them to engage in sex. For these reasons, it appears that relying on a partner’s own account of their sexual history is not an extremely safe strategy. Such findings additionally reinforce the idea that scientists must be extremely specific in asking research participants about sexual behavior, targeting particular types of sexual behavior, and avoiding using such emotionally loaded phrases as "having sex."
The bottom line is that sexuality has been so fundamentally condemned on moral and religious grounds throughout Western history that it is fraught with a substantial sense of guilt and anxiety for many individuals. This leads a number of people to feel the need to redefine sexual behavior in which they have engaged in a way that simply makes it "go away." In fact, evidence from a large national survey (Rosenbaum, 2006) indicates that those with conservative religious ideologies, those who had recently become born-again Christians or who had taken virginity pledges, are particularly prone to redefine their sexual histories. Abstinence-only sex education programs may likewise motivate individuals to modify their definitions of their sexual behavior to fit the standards of goodness promoted in such programs.
Peterson, Z. D., & Muehlenhard, C. L. (2007). What is sex and why does it matter? A motivational approach to exploring individuals’ definitions of sex. Journal of Sex Research, 44, 256-268.
Rosenbaum, J. E. (2006). Reborn a virgin: Adolescents’ retracting of virginity pledges and sexual histories. American Journal of Public Health, 96, 1098-1103.
Sanders, S. A., & Reinisch, J. M. (1999). Would you say you "had sex" if . . . ? Journal of the American Medical Association, 281, 275-277.
40 comments:
I thought that this was a very insightful article. What I think the bottom line should be is that “sex”, whether intercourse or oral, should be considered “sex” or “not sex” to whoever is in the situation. Society should not be the deciding factor in whether oral sex, or even penile-vaginal intercourse for that matter, should be considered “sex” or not. If an individual wants to make excuses or decisions as to whether their particular situation was considered sex, or not sex, is entirely up to them. I don’t believe that society should set a definition on the subject. I think it is terrible that people feel guilt and anxiety after making decisions that are part of human nature because of strains from society and religion. Decisions, good or bad, are a special part of who we are.
The definition of sex is something that has always been controversial. One could survey 10 people and could get 10 different answers. Many individuals define sex strictly as vaginal-penile intercourse, while others define it as any direct contact with the genital area. One of the most famous cases of what constitutes sex was in the 1990’s, when President Clinton famously uttered the lines “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”. Watching the news suddenly became an education of sexual positions and what the term sexual relations actually meant. I even saw one commentator pull out a Webster’s Dictionary to try to properly define sex. It becomes quite obvious when you observe for months on end highly respected and educated members of Congress fighting over the definition of sex that it is not an open and shut subject. And it is not just a simple definition, but a highly emotional and personal subject for many people.
I believe the “classic” definition for many people is that sex is vaginal-penile intercourse. I think that this tradition started in biblical times and for this subject’s sake, let’s say Christianity. Those who were raised in the church believed that you should be a virgin on your wedding night. And that meant never having vaginal-penile intercourse. And I believe that is why so many people believe that sex is sex only when intercourse takes place. Procreation is another reason that sex is termed vaginal-penile intercourse. The reason people got married in biblical times was to procreate. And we all know that there is only one way to do this. So that is why I believe most people would consider sex only if there was intercourse.
But is there any one authority that is going to decide what sex really is? That’s highly doubtful. I think that society tends to give us the definition of the times. Possibly 50 years ago many would have a different definition, but today’s society could also give us a different definition.
In the sense that it makes us feel better about ourselves to justify all of our sexual activity as perfectly acceptable as long as it does not involve vaginal-penile intercourse is a bit short cited. It is up to the individual and his or her belief system to determine what is acceptable or not. If you believe you will loose your virginity if you have any genital contact, then that is your right. If you believe that it takes vaginal-penile intercourse to loose your virginity, then that is your right. I believe all of us are raised with a belief system. Whether you believe it is right or wrong does not matter, it only matters to the individual concerned. Of course this holds true only if you are not breaking any laws. So basically it is up to the individual to determine what truly constitutes sex, because you are the one looking in the mirror in the morning.
I think sex is sex. What does that mean,right? The only way I think of sex is penile-vaginal intercourse. I don't think of oral sex as being sex even though is states it in the definition. I just can't see how stimulating someones genitals or the "exchanging" of sexual bodily fluid is considered sex. When I look back,when I was in middle school and learning about sex, I might have thought that touching someones privates was sexual, but now that I am older I know the difference. Now I am an adult and after having a child I think that penile-vaginal intercourse is the only form of sex. It is the only way you can reproduce...right. Just my opinion.
Growing up and being raised Roman Catholic I was always told to wait to have sex until you are married. I held true to that view until I was 18 years old and even then I was really uncertain about it, I had been with my boyfriend for two years at that point, we are now going on six. I think it depends on the person the definition of sex that he/she gives you. I think that it ultimately depends on the morals and values that the person was brought up in on when and what he/she should do and not do.
This blog entry had some very interesting study results regarding the definition of “having sex”. The study was conducted on college campuses, and student’s perception of what having sex means was unexpected to me. I’ve heard about people that don’t consider oral sex as “sex”; however, the amount of students just amazed me. The fact that 60% did not view oral sex as sex does not make sense to me, I mean, it has the word “sex” in it! The reasoning behind such thinking is most likely a guilty conscious due to religious or other personal logic. For people that do not consider anal or oral sex to be “sex”, do they believe it is impossible for homosexuals to engage in any kind of sexual behavior? It seems absurd that people would lie to themselves, knowing that they’re lying, just because they’re pressured into believing that sex is bad. Overall, it would seem as if changing one’s definition of sex, just to feel morally better about yourself is completely oximoronic and pointless. I hope that these people realize that they wanted to enjoy something that is so natural that they decided to redefine its meaning and create loopholes that will allow them to engage in sexual activities.
I think that this article was very interesting because to a certain point it hits home for me. I feel that it is very difficult to define what having sex is. Me personally I believe it is actual intercourse whether it be vaginal or anal. I think it is a very different thing to say sexual behavior because that can encompass a huge array of things. That can be anywhere from kissing to oral sex. I feel that a lot of people may redefine what sex is because they are scared to admit to themselves that they had in fact had sex. For women being a virgin is seen as something that you should want to hold on to, we shouldn't give it up too early. Men on the other hand seem to want to get rid of it. Men being virgins unfortunately has a bad connotation along with it. With that in mind, I can understand why women redefine it so that they haven't truely had sex and men redefine it so that they had in fact had sex. Both genders are changing things so that it is more favorable to them.
I had never truly considered how I defined sex before reading this posting. I suppose, like many of the people described in the article, I considered it be penile/vaginal penetration or penile/anal penetration. Although that’s the way I’ve defined it to this point, I think it’s even more interesting to consider why people typically define it in this way.
As pointed out, the guilt and moral issues associated with sex probably has a large role in how people generally come to feel about sex. I remember a friend in college who almost bragged about being a virgin. She said that although she and her boyfriend had penile/vaginal penetration, he had not ejaculated and therefore she did not actually consider it sex. This is obviously on the extreme end of how a person can commit the act but still justify it to themselves (and others) that it did not really happen. There were several reasons this person wanted to remain a virgin. She believed it was the “Christian” thing to do, she wanted to wait until she was married to have actual sex (as she called it), and she did not want to be perceived as promiscuous. In her own mind, she could rationalize her behavior and still live between the two worlds of sexually active and not.
I think many people feel this way and struggle with the conflict between what they feel they should do and what they want to do. The scary part of these vague definitions is, as stated above, that it has the potential to minimize one’s sexual history. This can be dangerous, not only to the individual but to every other person he or she has sexual relationships with.
I really enjoyed this article. I have, in the past, discussed with my friends what they view as sex and not sex. I found that for the most part, similar to the findings in this article, that many people do not consider oral-genital sex as sex. I think that part of this could be that people are justifying it to themselves so they do not feel ashamed, but I feel that another large part is what we were told when we were growing up. I was always told that sex caused pregnancy. Since it is impossible to get pregnant from oral-genital contact alone, then oral sex must not be sex. I feel that many people are not educated nearly enough when it comes to sex education, and if they were better educated then there would not be as much as a question as to what is sex and what is not sex. Also, feelings of shame would probably decrease as well.
This article provides some real "food for thought." What is important to contemplate is the idea that persons who have participated in different sex acts did not consider it sex if they had not had penial-vaginal insertion. I believe it is a very simple answer. Society; especially Western Christian culture has so deeply ingrained the concept of reproduction as sex, that most persons may rationalize they did not have sex if they just participated in sex acts which excluded the penis into the vagina.
I have personally discussed with adults ages 40 years or older that have participated in oral sex, and yet when asked if they have had sex; they deny having had sexual relations.
I believe reproduction is the major variable when considering the definition of sex.
I personally think whether its oral sex, anal sex, or penile-vaginal intercourse it is all considered sex to me. However, I don’t think that having oral sex would mean you are not a virgin anymore if you have not engaged in intercourse. I agree with the statement in the last paragraph, people modify definitions to meet their own needs. For example have five people read the Bible, I bet they all won’t agree on certain things, because the interpret things differently. People see things differently, so I believe it all depends on your morals and values as to what you believe having sex is.
I found this article pretty insightful. I guess I am one of those people that thought “sex” was only penis in vagina sex. When growing up I can remember mom’s speech of sex. And if I recall correctly I never had the speech about oral-genital sex. It wasn’t even mentioned. The only thing mentioned was that of penis in vagina. I also remember a friend from Purdue that had asked me, if he just sticks the tip of his penis in, is that sex? I remember telling her yeah, why wouldn’t it be? I think it should be the individual’s choice on whether they classify penis-vaginal intercourse or oral-genital sex “sex.” Most people choose to make excuses but that is there own prerogative. After this course and readings from the previous weeks, I know am not one of those people!
This article really made me think about what sex really is. I think that everyone has a different idea of what sex really is and it's always going to be that way. When someone says, "I had sexz with so and so", I personally think that they are talking about penile/vaginal sex. Unfortunately to most people a blow jod or oral sex is really not considered sex. Although, maybe it should be because STD's can still be spread this way. Also, for those who don't believe in having sex but dry hump, is that really considered sex also. Hmm, I wonder. Will everyone ever agree on the true meaning of sex? I think it will always be a mystery and people will label "having sex" however they feel.
I think the definition of sex is a very ambiguous subject. This article clearly showed that different people can have VERY different interpretations of what 'having sex' really means. It was also interesting that religious groups and abstinence-only sex programs often unwittingly force people (teens especially) to redefine the meaning of sex to better suit them. I think these programs actually misconstrue the idea of sex and cause members to believe that anything other than penile-vaginal intercourse is not sex, and is therefore okay.
I think that sex should be defined as any type of sexual behavior that includes penile-vaginal intercourse, oral-genital contact, or penile-anal intercourse. This seems to be the most widely accepted definition of sexual behavior. With this in mind, I don't think it is right for individuals to alter and bend the definition of having sex just to suit their own actions and beliefs. Sex is sex- open interpretations should not be allowed just so that individuals can feel better about themselves. That is simply denial.
~~Rachel Peters
So is sex defined as penetration? Is 'having sex' something that can only be accomplished by a penis and a vagina, or two penises? I know that when someone 'loses their virginity' it is not defined when that person performs oral sex or explores another sex's genitalia. In high school, my best friend was actually dating a boy since we were in the ninth grade. Her and her boyfriend would do oral sex on each other, but still claim to both be virgins. They were very religious and knew that they were ultimately going to be together throughout college and eventually get married. During February of our senior year of high school, then just one day decided to have sex because they had been doing almost everything anyways, besides penetration with his penis. Is it wrong for my two friends, who nine years later have two children and are still together, do that route? Would they have been still 'virgins' if they had continued performing oral sex on each other up until their wedding? I think that anal sex is actually constituted as sex. This is just a personal opinion. Maybe people think that 'sex' is considered sex with heterosexuals when it actually impregnates the women. I personally do not think that oral 'sex' is sex at all. I believe that it is more of oral 'stimulation' than anything.
This article has a lot of grey area trying to define what the actual definition of sex is. Many people want to define sex just as penile vaginal intercourse. Therefore, they can say they are virgins even when they have given oral sex, experienced anal sex or masturbation or hand jobs. My viewpoint and according to a couple dictionaries I looked at basically agree that sex is intercourse of the genitals with a penis inserted into a vagina. However, what do we do about oral sex, and anal sex? This issue seems a little confusing to many and to me as well. I see it as these are all sexually related activities so they are all similar but there are many different types of sexual activity. The main one is penile vaginal intercourse obviously like I stated earlier. Humans are a crazy and wild species though, and they have come up with all types of crazy sexual acts that they will perform on each other. I think many of these behaviors are risky because one might catch STD’s or get a girl pregnant. All of them are sexually related, so no matter what one does with their body or someone else’s body, it is risky and may cause harm or mental anguish and embarrassment. No matter what kind of sexual activity one participates in I think we have all been there and done that and barley anyone is actually fully innocent. My roommate gave a girl oral sex last month and he got STD tested because one can catch an STD through oral sex too and later he regretted it because he thought she was a slut and overly sexually active to have hooked up with him and many other sexual partners he mentioned in her past. Anything is possible and messing with any sexual activity can be playing with a dangerous thing. It’s like that metaphor says someone is “playing with fire”. Most religions don’t support messing around sexually. No matter what one’s definition of sex is it’s all related sexually and it doesn’t matter to me what anyone’s definition of sex is. I understand my main definition of natural sex as intercourse. However, they are all intertwined with each other and the grey area doesn’t matter. It’s all the same and it’s a strong force that many people seem to struggle with controlling their sexual urges.
This topic has some big shades of gray in it, and I think there always will be these differences of opinions concerning what actually is considered "sex". It can be different to everyone because of their beliefs, values, and societal norms. Oral sex may be sex to one person while another would not categorize it has actual sex. This article does not surprise me in the fact that people convince themselves that acts were not sex so they do not feel as guilty or dirty. It is natural to try and sugarcoat behaviors that one might find as unappealing. I think people should be able to decide for themselves what is sex or not. This would probably be the best approach since people will always have different conceptions of what behaviors constitute actual "sex".
I agree that society should not be the deciding factor as to what is considered sex. If the two individuals engaging in the act want to call what they are doing sex, all the power to them. However, I do believe that the younger the individual the higher the chances for feeling remorse and or regret. As for the parental aspect, I do not think individuals old enough to make up their own minds should be punished for expressing their passion/love for someone else. I do feel that the individual should be educated, which is the role of the parents. Although many of us have grown up in a time completely different from our parents, I believe that many of our parents are not as naieve as we once thought them to be.
As far a sexual relations is concerned, parents, you may not want to believe your children are having sex, but they probably are. I don't think that society and or religion are going to stop your teenagers raging hormones. However, if the individual has open lines of communication with their parents, the likelihood of them making these decisions, good or bad, will make more sense to everyone in the end.
Oral sex, penile-vaginal sex, 69, whatever you call it is sex. DIfferent yes, however, the results are the same, satisfaction. I believe an individual who feels guilty after engaging in sexual activity of any sort has been made to feel that "sex is bad". This type of taboo is what parents are instilling upon their children who are afraid to either talk to them about the consequences of sex, or just don't have that great of a sex life themselves.
Regarding these individuals' motives for defining an act as "sex" or "not sex", it seems to me that they have defined it in a very self-serving way. "Not wanting to have cheated on a partner?" "Not wanting to challenge one’s heterosexual self-concept?" I wonder what they would think if their partner were to confess to having the same ideas? Take oral sex, for example. While it may not be "sex," per se, it is certainly a sexual act, and were I in a relationship with one person I would absolutely not be giving or receiving oral sex to or from anyone else. Likewise, if one were to perform oral sex on a member of the same sex, while they may not be completely homosexual, he or she would certainly be expressing homosexual tendencies. The idea of being a "technical virgin" is equally ridiculous. Say what you will about sex before marriage, but a person who engages solely in oral and/or anal sex is in no way morally superior to another person who "goes all the way" in the traditional sense. They are equally capable of being labeled promiscuous, and if they don't practice "safer 'not quite sex'", they also have the same likelihood of becoming infected with an STD. These re-definitions of what constitutes sex are simply excuses created by people who have behaved against their conscience so that they can continue to look at themselves in the mirror. The sooner these individuals honestly examine their values, accept themselves for who they are, and/or take responsibility for their actions, the better off they and their partners will be.
Is it not wonderful the lies we tell ourselves in order to make ourselves feel better about our actions? I would venture to say that most people in America have had some sort of religious upbringing and would go even further to say that the sexual regulations under said religion were probably strict. This means simply that, as a society in general, we are taught that “having sex” before marriage is bad and something for which we must obtain forgiveness. So if having sex is a sin, then when people engage in sexual activities, they must be given labels other than having sex or they would be sinning. It is for this cowardly reason that we give such entertaining euphemisms to sexual acts such as “blow job” for penile oral sex and “going down” for vaginal oral sex. Personally, I think that if sex is in the name you are describing, it is qualified as having (insert location) sex. However, I can see how people want to give other labels to sexual acts because it makes them feel less guilty in participating in an act that should not induce guilt. Our “morals” have taken away something that should be considered beautiful and precious, damn near sacred, and instead has turned it into something dirty and unmentionable. We also give such labels to sexual acts because if one is promiscuous or having an extramarital affair they can say “I did not have sex, we just fooled around.” Bull crap! Cheating is cheating and sex is sex and I am fully aware of what “is” means. People are not stupid, they know what “having sex” means; they just choose to “plead the fifth” in order to protect their delicate sensibilities. Fie on their sensibilities and lies! Own up to what you do and do not use semantics to make it less than what it was.
When I think of sex, I think any behavior that leads a person to orgasm. But when I think of what it means to be a virgin, I think that as long as penile-vaginal intercourse doesn't occur, the person's virginity is intact. After reading this blog post, I have to question why there is such a discrepancy in my definition of sex. I suppose it could be a coping mechanism, but I think (at least for me) it has more to do with the literal act of penetration, the breaking of the hymen (although it can be broken through other activities, I know), and the activities that are useful for procreation.
I definitely do not believe that people should have sex for the sole purposes of procreation. I think sex should be enjoyed, regardless of intentions to have children. Still, I believe that the penile-vaginal intercourse is the defining activity in measuring virginity because it is the means of procreation.
To go along with RayKay, I used to think that as long as there was not Penile-vaginal intercourse than it was not sex and also thought that if there was not penile-vaginal intercourse than you were still a virgin. I believe that is how many people today view it like the study showed. If you hear someone ask if they are a virgin, many times they are asking if they have had penile-vaginal intercourse and they are really not interested in the other things. I can go both ways on the argument that one still is a virgin because they have not actually had penile-vaginal intercourse; however oral sex and anal sex are clearly sex. Virgin is someone who has never had sexual intercourse according to Webster dictionary. I would consider anal and oral sex as a type of intercourse.
I teach a self-defense class for freshman girls in a local high school. I have heard through teachers and other faculty that there is an increase in penile-anal intercourse among high school students because of the notion that they remain virgins following the act. They also employ this method to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. I am amazed at this. I am 34 years old and when I was in high school pre-marital penile- vaginal intercours was common place. However, penile-anal intercourse was unheard of. Penile-anal intercourse would have been an eleven on the taboo scale for most students I went to school with. This most certainly would have qualified as "sex". Today it is considered a way to have sexual pleasure while avoiding a possible negative self-perception of not being a virgin. In my view this is splitting hairs. If genitals are involved in someway inserting or recieving then it is "sex". A narrow definition as a way to avoid guilt is self-delusion.
My question is why the need to engage in sexual activity if you go to great lengths to delude yourself into thinking that you are still a virgin? This would be an interesting study. Are the young women pressured to have some type of sexual activity and must find an acceptable remedy that satisfies their partner and their conscience?
After discussing this study in class, it sparked my interest and made me reflect to my adolescent years and how my friends and I defined "having sex". Before engaging in penile-vaginal sex, "having sex" was strictly considered engaging in this act. It was a very exciting topic to discuss among friends, extremely hush-hush with the boys, but regardless a topic of interest.
In an environment where most of us were virgins, in reference to never engaging in any sexual behavior except kissing, to keep intact our virginity was very important. Even when sexual barriers began to be broken down, the importance of maintaining that physical innocence caused titles of "having sex" to be blurred. In accordance to the study, if penile-vaginal intercourse was absent, we were still virgins in our eyes.
In contrast to today at my age, where penile-vaginal sex is a regular occurrence, either in a steady relationship or in casual scenarios, the purity of virginity has lost its impact. Penile-vaginal sex is still a hot topic, but a relevant one now instead of a fantasy.
If we had been told that engaging in other sexual behaviors other than penile-vaginal sex were actually "having sex", I can image the horror felt by our actions. In adolescence, at least when I attended middle and high school with the friends I had, it would have been devastating to think that I lost my virginity in such a manner, as it was found in the study.
For some reason, as the results have demonstrated the agreement that "having sex" is referred to as penile-vaginal sex, young people have made this conclusion. Where is this coming from? Is this a result of wanting to remain naive, or young people's excuse to perform sexual behaviors that feel profoundly right for them? Or maybe is it the lack of education in titling behaviors appropriately in accordance to its implications? I would have not engaged in sexual behaviors at the age I did if I believed they damaged my innocence, as found in the literature on the subject.
I do feel there is an abundance of gender differences involved with interpretations of "having sex". It seems to be socially acceptable for young boys to engage in sexual behaviors than it is for young girls. With this in mind, boys might interpret a sexual behavior as "having sex" to impress their friends and attempt to establish a manhood, when a girl could have the complete opposite reaction to the same exact experience. Even in regard to reporting sexual history, although I think that men and women would both underestimate their frequency of sexual encounters, it would be interesting to understand the motives behind these lies. For example, based on my assumption, there is a possibility that men want to underestimate their number of sexual partners to hopefully engage in sex with that potential person. There is also the possibility that women want to underestimate the number of their sexual partners to attempt to mend their innocence. It is interesting to think about.
To add on with Adam’s comment how teens are having anal intercourse and thinking they are still virgins. I have a friend who would have oral intercourse, but state that she was still a virgin because the penis never entered in the vagina. The same friend also went to the extent where the situation went a little too far and the head of the penis entered in the vagina, but that also was not considered “sex” because it only happened once. I strongly disagreed with her, I understand that it was something that she held important, because her family thought it was. Having oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse should all result in the loss of the “virgin title”. I believe that there are a very small amount of people who are truly virgins, in fact I only know one and he has gone to the extent of never getting romantic with a woman.
These findings in this research seem like it would be normally. Each person tends to have their own definition of what “sex” is, and that definition may change based on what they have done. In generally, I would think that if you change the definition of sex to include something a women has done in the past as sex they would have more negative feelings of it. The stereotype (that is slowly changing) is that women should save themselves for their husband, and men have the right to go and do what they please, which also leads to men probably changing their definitions to classify something as sex. Also contributing to how people define as “having sex”, is what other people think of them. If someone has the potential to have interaction with someone else more experienced, they may blur lines of their definition of sex
Many people have their own idea of what behavior they chose to admit is “sex” which means that they disregard certain sexual behavior as not “sexual enough.” Many young people believe they are virgins even if they have been involved in sexual behavior other than penile-vaginal sex (like oral or anal sex). I think that these people try to salve their conscience by changing the moral standards governing their behavior. I know a married couple who decided to “hook-up” with two of their friends (who are just dating each other) and they all had oral sex. The girl explained to me afterwards that they did not really have sex (she meant not penile-vaginal sex) because their friends are virgins so they did not want to “go too far.” Everything she said hinted at the fact that they never go “far enough to have sex,” but they still had oral sex. I think that one reason that people “misclassify” sexual behavior is the social importance of a person remaining a virgin according to specific social and religious conventions. They allow themselves to participate in sexual behavior while “saving” themselves for someone special. These may be the reasons why people tend to “forget” that they have already had other types of sex. When people talk about “going all the way” or a “homerun” they usually have penile-vaginal sex in mind. People want to be in control of their sexual life and since very often sexual relationships outside of marriage are perceived as wrong, even sinful, they deny that such sexual experiences ever occurred. It is not exactly seen as lying but rather withholding the truth. If a person believes that they did not have actual sex with different partners then they can put their new partner at risk of catching STDs. I think that in a relationship people should talk openly about their sexual lives as their relationship grows more intimate about their sexual lives. They also had to define what they mean by sex because this definition varies from one person to another.
I was surprised to learn that only 81% of the subjects questioned in the Kinsey Institutes study considered penile-anal intercourse to be sex. I would definitely have been with the 81%’ers, as I strongly believe that penile-anal intercourse qualifies as sex.
I also believe that many young people choose to have only oral sex as a means to keep morally pure in their subjective realities. I do however believe some of these studies have skewed results, because they have set up categories such as “having sex” (which immediately makes me think of penile-vagina or penile-anal intercourse) or “just barely sex” (which is a very subjective phrase)
The results from these studies (and former President Bill Clinton) seem to prove that scientists must be specific in what they ask research participants, or the results could be incorrect.
The varying personal definitions of what constitutes sex allows individuals to retain a sense of purity as they engage in behaviors that would otherwise be shameful to them. The pressure put upon teenagers from their parents to refrain from sex, and the abstinence programs taught in schools both contribute to the idea that sex is a taboo subject that should not be discussed, much less participated in, until marriage. An individual desiring to 'save themselves for marriage' may desire to have the pleasures of sex without the backlash from their personal sense of integrity, so they establish a personal definition of what sex is or is not.
After reading this article, I came to the conclusion that most people lie to themselves about what sex really is in order to protect their superego from the intentions of their id. In other words, the ego protects a person’s moral being by lying to itself about the sexual activities they have participated in. This idea of individuals defining for themselves the act of sex is the perfect example of using a defense mechanism to protect their own integrity against society. For the most part, I think these individuals lie to themselves about their sexual behavior because they are attempting to keep themselves pure in either the eyes of their god or society. While it seems logical to say that penile-vaginal intercourse is the definitive way of saying an individual has “had sex,” I am confused as to why some refuse to see penile-anal intercourse and oral-genital intercourse as sex. To me, any type of behavior meant to excite the genitals in order to have a physical connection with an individual is “having sex.” If you want to qualify the different types of sex you have engaged in, I do not see a problem with that. In other words, an individual could say that they have participated in vaginal, anal, or oral sex, but all of these things should be considered as “having sex.”
One of the greatest motivations individuals have for qualifying “having sex” is to protect themselves from negative emotions. The article mentions that individuals do this in order to protect their moral values in association with their ideas of virginity and abstinence. These ideas of “virginity” and “abstinence” are in direct relationship to an individual’s religious belief. While religion is useful in many aspects of society, I think it needs to be kept out of the realm of sexuality. Being a sexual being is part of being a human, and these religious ideas seem to stand in direct competition to our sexual nature. While these religious ideas focus on the spiritual well-being of the individual, they tend to ignore the physical well-being of the person. Many Christian faiths see sexual behavior as a way to taint the soul and body, especially those behaviors not taking place within marriage. I do believe in the idea that once you are married, that is the only person you engage in sexual behavior with. On the other, I believe individuals lie to themselves about what sex is because of the idea of premarital sex and wanting to save their “virginity” for their partner. While individuals will continue to qualify what sex is in order to protect their values, I believe that individuals need to come to the realization that sex is a natural part of life and participating in those behaviors should hold no negative stigmas towards themselves.
This is likely one of the most ambiguous subjects to grasp on a number of levels. First, people who want to consider themselves pure and upright individuals, like the girl who performed and received oral sex from her partner, must determine what pure and upright actually means. She said that she feels bad about it because she is a Christian and, I assume, holds herself standards that do not condone random sexual encounters. She even implies that sexual encounters should be saved only for when she is married. Given that I share this faith with her, I understand the difficultly in maintaining this stringent purity, it seems that even our Scripture is unclear as to what exactly is appropriate and what is not. What I hope other people understand is that Christians want sex and sexual experiences just as much as everybody else. The difficultly is figuring out what is appropriate behavior and what is not.
Secondly, sex is a multifaceted experience and can be distinguished as an aspect of sexual. Somebody previously posted that in grade school they considered hugging and kissing to be very sexual. It seems to me that sex is an intense experience that occurs on various levels and various degrees of intensity. For instance hugging and kissing a girl as an elementary student for the first time is a highly arousing experience, but when you have been with a girl for several years it may become less arousing. Is hugging and kissing sexual, yes; is it sex, no. I agree with another who claims sex is penal-vaginal intercourse. It seems that sex is part of the experience we call sexuality; touching, kissing, fondling are all very sexual in nature, but if I were asked I wound not say these things are sex, I would say they are sexual experiences. However, I have friends that disagree with me. It seems though, that everybody will agree on penal-vaginal sex as a concrete definition.
I found the content of It Is Sex Only If I Want It to Be Sex, And If I Say It Is Sex to be very interesting and relevant to me at this point in my life. Like many college students these days I have gone about a certain path on the way to defining what I think sex is. As the article indicated many people define sex differently these days. These contrasting opinions are the result of different home environments, moral and social values, peer opinions and the religion a person may or may not have. Personally, through the various influences mentioned above my personal definition of what sex is the act of intercourse (penile/vaginal).
I think the reason that I have come to this definition is primarily based on what I have been taught morally through religion. I am still a virgin at this point in my life as a result of my values and beliefs I believe that sex as I define it, should wait until marriage. I am well aware that I am in a minority in terms of my status but I am by no means looked down upon by my friends as a result. It is also my opinion that oral sex is not sex. Oral sex as I define it is not a form of intercourse and therefore not sex. I found the research on how people would feel if their definition of sex was different very interesting. It makes a great deal of sense that people avoid guilt by simply changing the context in which they think. For example, I have heard guys that have had penile/vaginal intercourse but claim they are still virgins because they didn’t ejaculate inside their partner.
I knew girls in high school that would engage in all types of sexual behaviors expect penile-vaginal sex. I guess they were only fooling themselves and down playing their sexual experiences because of morality issues. In reality their sexual engagements were just as risky. Sanders and Reinisch (1999) studied heterosexual college student’s perception of sex and found that 60% did not classify oral-genital sex as sex. Does this mean that only behavior that can impregnate classifies as sex? It is true that oral-genital sex can not impregnate a woman. What about the intimacy that is involved in sex. A man or a woman’s head in proximity to another’s genital’s is as intimate as it can get. The one receiving the oral stimulation is vulnerable and not in control. It seems that many people forget that STD’s also come from oral-genital sex as well.
This means that there are teens that do not engage in penile-vaginal sex and have or had STD’s. I think if a college student or a teen acquired a STD they would re-evaluate their definition of sex. Many students rely on conversations with their partner’s sexual experience to determine whether or not they will engage in sexual activity with them. Unfortunately many lie about their sexual experience to attain possible sexual gratification.
The Peterson and Muehlenhard study examined the avoidance of labeling sexual behaviors as sex among students. Their findings indicated that women feel negative emotions if they participate in penile-vaginal sex and men feel just the opposite. Negative emotions’ regarding sex seems to be a reoccurring issue for women. Women feel guilty if they have sex because they are no longer a virgin. Premarital sex guilt is not an issue for men as it is for women. When I think of sexually oppressed women I often think of women who are living in Middle Eastern countries. Although, conservative Christian views create guilt for women regarding their sexual experiences.
That fact that some individuals experience shameful feelings about their sexual encounters proves that they know their definition of sex is unrealistic. If an individual feels negative about their past sexual experiences or down plays the reality of their interactions, then they are not ready to engage in sexual behavior.
It does not surprise me that what people know about "having sex" varies from person to person. Usually there is a clear cut definition of a term and nobody needs to question it, but this obviously is not true of "having sex." There are numerous forms of sexual behaviors that consitute as "having sex." The most common of them being penile-vaginal intercourse assumming that the majority of society considers this normal.
Throughout the decades society has put a label on "having sex" deeming it inappropriate until marriage or for the purpose of procreation. Even today "having sex" solely for pleasure is considered taboo. So where does that leave gay men and women? Every situation is different and therefore "having sex" could be completely different for the next person. The results of these studies prove that there is guilt that still remains about "having sex" whether it be penile-vaginal intercourse or oral-gential sex. So much so that people are willing to redefine what "having sex" means to them in order to maintain a sense of morality consistent with our society.
It is sad that people feel guilty about their situation concerning "having sex." Moral and religious viewpoints are always going to be a strong prescence in our society. I hope that people can overcome the guilt and anxiety associated with "having sex" and be honest with themselves and with others that they are involved.
Ngoc Lynn Do
Blog Assignment 1
I was born and raised in Vietnam until my family decided to move to the U.S when I was 13, so a lot of life acceptances that I truly believe would be unlikely than another person who was born and grew up in the states. To me personally, the understanding of everything depends on how different a religion philosophy been taught, and the moral beliefs that a child inherent from parents and the society. As also the meaning of sex will be always diverse. Nowadays, most people considered “sex” as two people perform a physical intercourse. Cases of rape would not be considered as rape if there is not an intercourse performed. That is just the norm belief from the society. I personally disagree. I strongly believe that all sexual related activities are enactments that lead young innocent girls becoming women (included for men). So no matter if it is oral, physical intercourse, or any sexual related activities, it is to be considered as sex. Although many people may disagree with my thinking, it is very understandable because everybody have different beliefs and families, so of course we all do not believe in the same thing. So I think the meaning of sex all varies from different point of views and what excuses a person may make. There is not an exact defined definition that can be accepted by everybody in this society.
I found this article to be something that many teens in high school and college to have to consider. I agree that many teens are redefining what sexual behavior is. I think that due to the fact that many women view virginity in a different way than men, they tend to redefine the behavior more often. I feel that women view virginity as something they must hold onto that it cannot be taken back, while most men are seeking to lose their virginity. These gender views on sexuality have formed from social constructs and have remained over time. I think people are tending to redefine these “sexual” behaviors because they want to avoid the situation at hand. They think that if they say or tell themselves it is not sex than they can avoid the situations to come. However I would say that just because they are claiming its not sex doesn’t mean that the emotions and changes will not occur in their lives and relationships. Having anal and oral sex can change ones feelings about themselves and even their partners. I believe that people need to become informed and recognize that these sexual behaviors are indeed “sexual” behaviors and that it is not the proper way to avoid sex or the emotions that come along with losing their virginity.
There are many definitions of sex, which is why it is not surprising in studies 99.5% viewed penile-vaginal penetration as sex and 60% did not view oral-genital sex as sex. For myself I have an odd view on my definition of sex. I feel that people have multiple virginities, but only, one true virginity. By participating in oral-genital sex you do lose one of your virginities, but not the one true one that you lose during penile-vaginal penetration. Penile-vaginal penetration in my eyes is true intercourse because that is the way our bodies were made to have sex. They were made that way because of our ability to reproduce that way. The other virginities we have are ways to get us aroused such as foreplay.
All those listed above are forms of sex, but do not constitute as ‘having sex’. I say this because everywhere you read, and a majority of people you talk to; mention your virginity as in penile-vaginal penetration. Even in school, classes spend more time on penile-vaginal penetration and classify that as losing your virginity. That is why I say we have multiple virginities, but only, one true virginity. Performing any task for the first time can be referred to as losing your virginity. The true form of sex is penile-vaginal penetration, and the others are just forms of sexual activities to prepare you for penile-vaginal penetration.
Sex is something that is so personal; it is hard to define exactly what sex is for each person. There is not only trying to define what sex is to each person, but there are many other issues to take into account. Like for example what are the person's religious and moral views, are there any cultural factors that can come into play, has the person had formal sexual education, and what did their parents teach them? These are all important questions that can come up when someone defines what sex is and what sex is not. Something else to take into consideration is that through some of the above mentioned issues, there are some people that are taught that penile-vaginal intercourse is the only kind of sex, due to the fact the women can become pregnant or that this is what the religion states is sex. Some of the other forms of sexual activity like penile-anal intercourse or even oral stimulation can be considered not a form of sex or might even be viewed as taboo. With the views on sex and how "damned" it has been in the Western view, it is hard for people to come to the terms of what is sex and what is not, due to the fact that it might damage who and what they are. Sex should not be defined but something so much more.
I thought this was a very interesting article that touched upon a very controversial subject. There are so many different ways people define “having sex”, look at former President Clinton, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman!”, when speaking of oral sex with Monica Lewinsky. In my opinion, oral sex is a sex act, indulging in a sex act means “having sex”. I believe the majority of people think of “having sex” and losing one’s virginity as engaging in penile- vaginal intercourse. This idea probably stems from biblical times when the emphasis of “having sex” was for procreation. However, I believe that now this penile-vaginal view of “having sex” is more of a way people can engage in other sex acts without feeling guilty or ashamed, and still consider themselves a virgin. This idea was reinforced with the study done on college campuses. The results really surprised me; especially the 75% of people who had not yet engaged in penile-vaginal intercourse, viewing oral sex as not “having sex”, and therefore, they are still technically a virgin. I think a lot of the reasons people feel this way, is so they do not feel bad or guilty about having engaged in other forms of sexual relations, and can classify themselves as technically being a virgin. I believe that as long as there is not one authority defining what “having sex” is, the reasons people have for classifying what constitutes “having sex” will always be the opinion of the individual.
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