Can you believe your sexual partner when he or she tells you that you are the first, and the one and only? Can you really be sure when your partner seems as if they have just experienced the most earth-shattering orgasm during sex with you? Maybe, but don’t be too sure.
Research indicates that 85% of individuals have lied to their relationship partner regarding their involvement with some other person, such as having engaged in sex with someone outside of the relationship (Saxe, 1991). In fact, 92% of college students acknowledge that they have lied at least once to a partner. The most common “mistruths” concern the number of people with whom one has previously had sex (31% say they have not told the truth about that issue; “One or two others? Yeah, okay . . . we’ll go with that number”), having experienced an orgasm (26%), commending one’s partner as the best ever (18%), assuring the partner that the sex was good (18%), telling the partner they love him or her (17%), or claiming to be a virgin (8%; Knox, Schacht, Holt, & Turner, 1993). Beyond these issues, substantial proportions of individuals infected with HIV do not inform their primary partner of their status (12 to 33%; Sullivan, 2005), 38% of those with genital herpes do not (Green et al., 2003), and 69% of those with human papillomavirus (HPV) do not (Keller, Von Sadovsky, Pankratz, & Hermsen, 2000).
Maybe it isn’t extremely surprising, but people will also actually lie so that a potential partner will have sex with them. Over a third of men and a tenth of women have reported that they lied to a partner so that they would have sex with them (Cochran & Mays, 1990).
Recent research by William Marelich and his colleagues (Marelich, Lundquist, Painter, & Mechanic, 2008) found that sexual lies or deceptions, according to statistical analyses, fall into three categories: blatant deception, self-serving deception, and deception to avoid confrontation. Examples of blatant deception include telling “. . . someone ‘I love you’ but really didn’t just to have sex with them” and “had sex with someone just so you could tell your friends about it.” Self-serving lies include “had sex with someone to get resources from them (e.g., money, clothes, companionship)” and “had sex with someone so you would have someone to sleep next to.” Deception to avoid confrontation consists of, among other examples, “had sex even though you didn’t want to” and “had sex with someone in order to maintain your relationship with them.”
In this study, the most frequent type of deception was avoiding confrontation, with 51% of study respondents indicating that they have had sex with someone because they wanted to please their partner. Also, individuals had sex with someone even though they didn’t want to (27%), although this item does not really indicate the reason they had sex even though they didn’t want to. Women were more likely to report having engaged in these relationship maintaining strategies, most likely intended to avoid disappointing their partner and sidestepping situations that might destablilize and threaten relationships. In contrast, men were more likely to engage in blatant types of deception, aimed at getting a partner to engage in sex with them. Women and men, however, were not different in their tendency to employ self-serving deception strategies; this type of strategy is consistent with the social exchange view of interpersonal relationships discussed in Chapters 9 and 10 of the textbook.
Cochran, S. D., & Mays, V. M. (1990). Sex, lies, and HIV. New England Journal of Medicine, 322, 774-775.
Green, J., Ferrier, S., Kocsis, A., Shadrick, J., Ukoumunne, O. C., Murphy, S., & Hetherton, J. (2003). Determinants of disclosure of genital herpes to partners. Sexually Transmitted Infections, 79, 42-44.
Keller, M. L., Von Sadovsky, V., Pankratz, B., & Hermsen, J. (2000). Self-disclusure of HPV infection to sexual partners. Western Journal of Nursing Research, 22, 285-302.
Knox, D., Schacht, C., Holt, J., & Turner, J. (1993). Sexual lies among university students. College Student Journal, 27, 269-272.
Marelich, W. D., Lundquist, J., Painter, K., & Mechanic, M. B. (2008). Sexual deception as a social-exchange process: Development of a behavior-based sexual deception scale. Journal of Sex Research, 45, 27-35.
Saxe, L. (1991). Lying: Thoughts of an applied social psychologist. American Psychologist, 46, 409-415.
Sullivan, K. M. (2005). Male self-disclosure of HIV-positive serostatus to sex partners: A review of the literature. Journal of the Association of Nurses in AIDS Care, 16, 33-47.
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106 comments:
These findings are not surprising to me. I know people who have lied, hid something, or bent the truth to obtain their sexual goals. Doing this could potentially ruin a relationship, embarrass the person being decieved, or even cause physical harm to someone. It may seem harmless to some people, but in actuality it can be very serious. Lying to a sexual partner about the number of people one has previously been with, saying "I love you" to get a partner in bed, or saying an orgasm was good when it was not isn't too terrible. However, not telling a partner about known STD's or claiming to be on birth control when you are not is quite serious. It's not right to be dishonest with someone to this magnitude just to receive some pleasure. This is something people should take seriously. Everyone needs to be careful who they trust when it concerns sexual intentions because you never know how truthful they are being.
I agree with Jason that these findings are not at all surprising. As a female in college, around young guys day in and day out, I encounter all kinds of lies and tricks from guys. I also, on the other hand, hear stories from my girlfriends on how they have used sex to manipulate men into getting what they want. So in all fairness to men, women can play the victim in a man's sexual hunt, but girls know how to use their sexuality too. Its a scary game to be involved in as a young, single college student, because its hard to tell who is honest and who has good intentions.
I don't however agree with one thing Jason has said, and that is that he said he doesn't see the harm in telling someone you love them to get them into bed. Playing with someone's emotions to get them to give up something that might be considered sacred to them, might cause considerable damage to someone's emotional health.
I believe people lie about their sexual background because they are afraid of what someone else might think about them if they knew the truth. However, I am not saying it is right to lie to someone to have sex with them, but if you are using protection, you know what is about to happen/what could happen. I do not agree with the individuals who are like, “How many people have you slept with?” and then get mad at the response wanting to know names. That’s just weird. Besides that is a moment you and the other person experienced. Basically, what business is it of their’s? This is probably somewhere where STD’s come into play but I feel like if an individual is worried enough about the sexual history of someone, then the obvious, don’t have sex with them!
jennej1111
I have sadly had a recent real-life experience with this. If any of you watched the show friends, you may recall the running gag about how Rachel kept telling Ross he had cheated on her, and Ross kept replying, "But we were on a break!"
You may also recall that neither Rachel nor Ross found this funny.
In our case, one of us didn't tell the other about what happened during the "break." We didn't think we were the sort of people to lie to one another. We found out otherwise. I must concur with the information posted.
When I was reading this article, especially the first couple sentences, it made me smile a little, because it sounded kind of familiar. However, I do wonder how accurate statistics like that can be? 92% of all college students have “lied at least once to their partner”? That does seem very shocking to me, but then again, who hasn’t told a little white lie, right? “Do you like this dress?”
More shocking, and even scary, is the fact that people would engage in sexual behavior with others even though they know they have HIV. I think it’s one thing to tell a “lie” or “mistruth” in order to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings, or to selfishly and bluntly lie in order to have sex with someone even when it could mean infecting them with a deadly disease. I can’t even see how that could be enjoyable, or if it could really be sexual motivation alone that would posses somebody to be so irresponsible. How can you do something like that to someone you love? Or even somebody you hate for that matter? And if it’s hate, would you want to have sex with them? This fact, and the statistic of 12 to 33% is just something that completely baffled me.
I found it very interesting that women are more likely to lie about enjoying sex just to keep the relationship stable, while men will lie about things just get sex. How ironic. I believe that the best way to deal with anything is to be completely honest; maybe package the message so it’s from a reasonable and understandable perspective, but lying about it will just put off the inevitable. It’s been my experience that honestly and rationality is responded to in a rational manner, most of the time anyways.
Even though it seems obvious that sex is a topic requiring honesty, it is apparent that many people don’t always make that choice. The discussion of sex is often highly charged, and I can understand where it is sometimes easier to simply not tell the truth.
In the early stages of a relationship, people want to appear at their very best and most desirable to their partners. This may mean decreasing or increasing the number of previous sexual partners, lying about how ready or not they are to engage in sexual behavior, or even avoiding the topic altogether and letting the other person take charge of the conversation or situation. In established relationships, where the people involved are more invested and generally more comfortable, the types of lies may change. No longer are the partners working to get into a relationship; typically, they are working to maintain a relationship. In order to maintain these relationships (the whole relationship, not just the sexual portion), a person may lie about an affair or sexual desire (if it’s changed). Sex isn’t just a physical act – it involves emotions and expectations. A person must weigh the pros and cons of telling the truth in regards to sex, and sometimes a lie may seem to be the best option.
I think that if you are a virgin and have no sexual experience, the innocence and the inexperience is unfortunate. On the other hand if you are not a virgin and someone tells you that you are their first and clearly you are not by the actions taken, their motives are quesitonable. If you are not in a relationship and are just sexual active with someone and they say that you are their first; it is a good possibility that they are not telling the truth if the circumstances of 'hooking up' are associated with the bar scene. If you are in a relationship and the person tells you that you are their first and there has been several dates without sexual advances, there could be a good possibility of truth being told. With today's dating pool, with no help from the internet, it is just advised to make sure to use protected sex, and always keep up on sexual transmitted disease testing after any questionable nature occurs.
In a college setting involving men and women claiming to have not been with anyone outside of the relationship, I am absolutely not surprised that the occurrence is at 92%. Alcohol and drugs are probably a beneficiary to these 'mistruths' that occur. With women lying about the number of sexual partners in her life time; this seems not to be such a big deal coming from a woman. In society, women are to be considered virginal, innocent, and vital for the man. If a woman is very sexual active then the innocence is taken away, and one might suspect innappropriate behavior and tainted visions of the delicasy perceived. All in all, the lying of a woman might be done to be as a barrier of negative assumptions.
I was not surprised to read these statistics. I know several women who have lied about sex to avoid a destabilization of the relationship. Some women will even get pregnant or lie about being pregnant just to keep their man from leaving. I was also not surprised that some men lie to obtain their sexual goals. Most of the men I know have lied to women in order to get them into bed, and some of the women I know have gone along with a man's lies to sleep with him.
I was surprised to read about the percentage of people who do not disclose their sexual health to their partners. After thinking about the prevalance of casual sex, though, it occurred to me that these statistics could reflect the numbers of people who contracted the disease without knowing their partner's health status. It also occurred to me that perhaps the infected person did not know they had the disease when the sex occurred.
I think anyone in a stable, monogamous relationship has had sex to avoid confrontation, including having sex when they didn't want to. I know several mothers who have sex with their husbands even though they are too tired to enjoy it.
I think the most important thing to take away from this is that everyone needs to be very careful whom they choose as a sex partner.
First, I thought most of this article was understandable and made a lot of sense to me. For most of the article, it was no surprise at all to me. This is a crazy world sometimes and I know a lot of strange things happen with people’s decisions and behaviors. It’s scary to think about sometimes. The theme of this article was obviously lying and sex. Sometimes these just go hand in hand unfortunately.
Second, in answering the first question of the article, can one believe what their sexual partner is telling them? I believe sometimes you can and sometimes you can’t. It just depends on the situation and person. I think someone can never believe someone else 100% at all. There’s always a chance they might lie to you. I’ve even known girls of lying to wealthy guys and saying they are on birth control and not to use a condom so they can get pregnant by them. I guess this would be the self serving lie for sex. From my experience, I see that many people lie in their daily lives. I believe very few people on this earth are virgins for very long and actually are truthful all the time or most of the time. It takes a strong person with incredible morals and standards and self control to do this. Or even a truly genuinely religious person who has given up having sex all together to remain a virgin.
Everyone tells lies at times. Or is that too pessimistic of me? I don’t know.
However, even the 85% and 95% lying statistics in the article were no surprise to me. It’s in our nature as humans to lie. Everything in this article is all believable and makes total sense to me. This article is not farfetched at all unfortunately. It happens in a daily basis for many. Lies concerning the number of people with whom one has previously had sex with, having experienced an orgasm, commending one’s partner as the best sex, assuring the partner that the sex was good, and telling the partner they love him or her or claiming to be a virgin are lies told every day in people’s interactions. These things are sad to think about, but from my encounters with the everyday average person in my life I see it on a regular basis. No body is perfect and life is unfair.
However, I don’t have much experience on meeting or dealing with people with the HIV infection. But I can imagine and guess that if these people are out having unprotected crazy amounts of sex with people they barely know stupid irresponsible things are going to happen to them and the others they have an effect on. People have to learn the hard way most times. There is a lot of idiots out there in the world. And sometimes, these people hurt other people and get them infected and they just don’t care because they are crazy cruel people. I think it should be a criminal act to purposely give other victims STD’s and or get them sick or harm them or kill them with HIV and other STD’s. The three categories: blatant deception, self-serving deception, and deception to avoid confrontation make a lot of sense to me too. The social exchange view of interpersonal relationships of people weighing the pros and cons of a relationship and making sure the pros outweigh the costs for them is important with sex. Everyone wants that for themselves. It’s in our nature to want sex and the good in life and it’s one of the strongest forces our planet and lives have to offer. Along with great things like reproduction and family and enjoyment and pleasure and making love in the topic of sexuality comes a lot of evil things with it too like STD’s and teen pregnancy and rape and lies and hurting one another. Sexuality is an important phenomenon and must be revered with the utmost respect and responsibility. But having said that, it’s easier said then done.
These results and statistics are not too surprising to me. I feel that, especially in this age, people feel such a great pull to be perfect, that they often result in lying to their friends or partner about the truth. 92% does seem like a really large amount of college students, but like one other poster pointed out, who hasn't said a little white lie here or there? However, it is important to realize that some lies are much more serious than others. Lying about how good your partner is at sexually satisfying you is far different than lying about being exclusive or lying about any STD's that you may have. People need to realize that both lies and truths have big consequences that need to be made known.
The article made a question as to whether one could trust their partner anymore, and I feel that in short that trust comes with time and realizing that they are probably not hiding anything major from you.
Just like everyone else has said these are not really surprising. However, they are absolutely awful! I do not see how people can have the "friends with benefits" or even the occassional one night stand and then not tell someone that they are about to have sex with. I also know people that have lied about how many people they have slept with, or just had friends with benefits because they needed the companionship. But as Jason had also commented, not telling a person of an STD or even worse HIV is really bad. But then maybe the person should have known the person better before having sex with them in the first place. My advice would be truly know the person before you do have any sexual activities with them!
Betrayal, deception, and lies, isn’t this what makes the world go round? Why are these terms so different when it comes to sex? Is it because sex can cause life-threatening illnesses? Tobacco and cigarettes can also cause life-threatening illnesses, but as a culture we still praise their use. If we know what can happen by having sex with someone that we do not know much about, then aren’t we at fault for getting these illnesses? If we marry someone that we do not trust, is there not a chance that they could stray and become infected? If we meet someone at a bar, and become so aroused that we cannot contain ourselves, and do not use proper contraception, are we not at fault for possibly contacting a disease? We come across liars every day, and even lie ourselves, so why does deception cause such havoc when we get horny? Yes, it is treacherous for someone to unknowingly contact a deadly disease, but it is a disease that we know is possible, and can avoid at all costs. Our culture is persistently warning its citizens of the dangers of AIDS, HIV, STD’s, and cigarette and alcohol abuse. Are we not properly warned? Embrace the idea that AIDS can be avoided in our culture! We should be worrying about other crazy illnesses that cannot be avoided quite yet, such as cancer, and educating the ones who have not had the chance to be warned against sexual infections, such as AIDS.
This is trial run
I can understand why people would lie, either blatantly or by omission, to get sex. It's scientific fact that when the body is aroused, more blood rushes to the genitals, leaving little in the brain to help make reasonable decisions. While it's understandable to lie for sex, that doesn't make it excusable. It's both partners' obligation to be honest with one another, at least about what diseases you may or may not have. If one of the partners doesn't care enough to find out if their partner could give them a life-altering disease, I can't have much sympathy. Considering how sexually free our society seems to be today, (how many people are still virgins on their wedding day?), it seems like the smart thing to do to protect the one body you're given. And in that moment, do you think about some of the other consequences to your future? How many parents would feel proud if their children found out about their devious past? What if you pass your disease onto your children? They didn't ask for it, take any action to obtain it, and they certainly do not deserve it.
It was not surprising that both men and woman lied equally in deceiving people that they have slept with or wanted to sleep with. Generally speaking people that want to have sex will go to great lengths to achieve that goal. Or as stated in the article, woman will have sex just too basically keep the peace. Woman by nature are people pleasers, so this was also not surprising. I also think that we have all lied at one point in our lives to a lover; from things like how good they were or they are the best ever. What I did find somewhat surprising were the statistics of people who lied about an STD and especially surprised the percentage of people who lied about having HIV. The little white lies are forgivable and to some extent expected. What is not acceptable is lying about a disease and for that matter a deadly one. Genital herpes is a life altering illness that stays with you forever. Although it is not deadly, it sure is inconvenient and painful. There is also a significant stigma attached to the disease. HIV is a deadly disease and this is not even remotely acceptable to be kept from a partner. HIV causes death in all people. It begs the question “Is sleeping with someone important enough to kill them?”
I think that it's known to all that peole lie about sexual behavior they've taken part in, number of sexual partners, etc. I'm not saying that I think it's okay but then again it is something also very private that is no ones business but yours. If you choose to tell somebody that is your decision. Now if you had a hard time in the past and slept with more people than you should have then maybe you should keep that to yourself. But if you're going to keep info to yourself at least be responsible about it and get checked or continued to get checked for STD's. If you are aware you are infected with anything keep it in your pants until it is treated and if untreatable tell your partner. No one should have to suffer because others weren't being honest. If you're embarrassed by your past change your life style but by all means don't hurt others. Being dishonest unfortunately can be beneficial when it comes to a serious relationship but being dishonest about a disease is just wrong. Try telling the truth and if someone doesn't accept then that isn't the person meant for you and it's a sign to move on.
I was not surprised that more men than women tell blatant lies to get a partner to have sex with them, and that more women than men tell lies to avoid an argument or hurting their partner's feelings. Based on what we have learned about the relationship styles and sexual identities of males and females, the results of this study seem pretty congruent.
I did think it was shocking that people will lie about whether they have STDs. That is irresponsible and just morally wrong to engage in sexual activities with someone, knowing that you will infect them with your disease. I think it is appalling that some people will lie to such a great extent just to have sex with someone.
~~Rachel Peters
I believe that people hide or lie about their sexual background because they are afraid of what the other person will think of them. The finding from the article I don't find suprising becasue I know people who have lied about sexual encounter. Some people will lie about anything just to sleep with someone and that's so crazy to me. Those actions could end-up hurting someone really bad. I think that it's okay to hid somethings from your pass but if it's something important that could jeopardize your relationship then I think it should be told.
I agree with Jen when she says that when people meet they are trying to be desirable and their very best and so many people lie to get into the relationship and then when they are in a relationship the lies change. Because basically they are trying to maintain their relationship. Honesty is the key when it comes to sex but sometime you have to keep some things from your past in the past. I look at it like this tell as much as you need to but remember is your partner being as honest as you.
I am suprised on how high the number is for college students to lie to a spouse about sexual relations..92%!! At the same time I know people that will straight up lie about who they have slept or "messed" around with so their spouse doesn't get upset. The I Love you speach to get someone in bed is pretty shady since many girls really take that to heart and when they find out someone was just using them it can really break them down emotionally. I disagree a little with Jason when he said that lying about a fake orgasm is not a big deal. It can be a big deal if the other is repeatedly faking because it could eventually lead to an unsatisified spouse which is not good for any relationship. The lying is convenient for many so they do not have to deal with confrontation or explaning, however everyone should just be up front about everything and it could even lead to a decrease in the spread of diseases.
Although the findings are not surprising, they are very troubling. Being a college student I hear of occurrences like these often. Yes it is true at a given moment when we are faced with a question we are not totally comfortable answering, we sometimes tell a white lie or complete lie to make the other person feel better or at least okay with our answer. The truth in the matter is lost, and then there is the issue of trust. Sometimes depending upon what type of deception a person is using, I guess truth as a whole does not matter. If a person lies to get some sort of approval from someone else they are not being fair to that person or themself. If the issue is that they wish to be wanted by another then they have to feel comfortable in their own skin to be able to say 'hey I have this' or 'this is the number of partners I have had.' Wouldn't it be better to be with someone that actually likes you for you?
There of course is also the issue of 'just getting some.' It would be nice to think we are in a world where people fess up about what all they have going on such as STDs or how many sexual partners they have had. However, in truth we do not live in that kind of world. That is why it is important for both men and women to carry protection for themselves. Girls can buy condoms too! If you choose to have multiple partners or even one partner no matter if you are male or female make sure you have protection for yourself.
The contents of this article are very disheartening, and after reading the blog posts it seems that most others agree; there are definitely aspects of deception that are more harmful than others. For instance, lying about being HIV positive versus lying about happniess in a sexual relationship are on opposite sides of the decpetion spectrum in my opinion. Although in any case people must take responsibility for their actions. Every person that has had a sexual encounter under false pretenses should be to blame, but I also think society should be to blame as well. Lying about the number of sexual partners a person has had seems to be a common practice, and I think the primary reason why this occurs is quite obvious; people do not want to seem promiscuous or easy.
Trying to maintain a reputation of sexual prudence by lying could lead to many serious consequences for the innocent, e.g., a sexually transmitted disease. Not only is the deceptive person putting another at a potential risk of physical harm, he or she is also putting the other at risk of emotional harm. Lying about the number of sexual partners is absolutely inconsiderate on a number of levels. Having knowledge of being HIV positive and still engaging in sexual acts with others is criminal, but I think being deceptive about sexual happiness should not be considered as unforgivable. For instance, lying to your partner about being sexually satisfied is sometimes ok. I say this because there are so many factors that are involved relationships, i.e., moods, workload, ect, that is seems impossible that both people will always be in sync sexually.
It certainly does not surprise me that people employ deception as a means of maintaining a relationship with another person, or that women tend to engage in this type of deception more frequently than men. I suppose the idea behind the deception is that if they can please their partner, than whatever problems they're having might disappear, or at least fade to the background. Our sexuality is extremely important to our relationships, but, in the context of a monogamous relationship, no matter how good the sex is, effective communication is vital in maintaining your connection with your partner.
I also found it troubling that men and women would lie about their experience of pleasure, stating that they had an orgasm when they didn't. Although it is certainly the ultimate in physical pleasure, orgasm perhaps shouldn't be the focus of sex with your partner. Couples should enjoy all the experiences of closeness with each other, including the emotional and spiritual connections that accompany sex. In my opinion, a focus solely on performance may lead to disappointment with your partner.
Nonetheless, it's very important to be truthful about how pleasurable certain behaviors are for you. Telling your partner that you had multiple orgasms when you didn't even have one certainly isn't going to teach him or her how to please you. It's important that couples get to know each others' bodies through their words, as much as through their touch.
These findings are not surprising to me either but they sure are horrifying, I can't not believe that still with all the education and media that is out there that people are still lying about having STD's. This isn't something that you can just laugh off and say well I was embarrassed, you are messing with peoples lives, there really is no such thing as casual sex! As far as lying about how many partners you have had, first of all I believe that if you have taken all the precautionary measures and you don't have anything, you don't have to disclose that to everyone, but you should be ready to share it with the person that you are ready to spend the rest of your life with, and if you as the person asking think it will bother you then don't ask! I think that women and men lying or using sex to get what they want is a game that will always be played, unfortunately i think its instinct in some people. I guess the Statistics on lying about the orgasm, we all do it , stroking the ego isn't that bad is it?
Many individuals have found themselves in one of these deceptive situations before, possibly without there knowledge. It is not at all supprising that someone would lie to get what they want or to protect their feelings or the feelings of another. Sex is a highly emotional act and it evokes feelings of attachment, jelousy, rage, shame, and guilt dependant upon the act and the persons individual perceptions of the situation. If anyone has been in a long term relationship, I have been married for 11 years, you can understand that sex is a powerful connection between a couple. I do not believe that it is deceptive to engage in sex to keep the relationship going occasionally. After being married for 11 years it is important to point out that at some point it is healthy to please your partner even if you are not in the mood occasionally. Healthy relationships mean meeting each others needs. Dishonesty becomes the problem when it is selfserving in nature and it is this type of sexual behavior that leads to unhealthy responses and lifestyles.
These statistics may be shocking, but they are not very surprising. All of us have lied. We do it when we stretch the truth, embellish, add on, and leave out. It only stands to reason that people have lied to sexual partners. In this day when such a personal act is treated casually by some, it makes sense that people would treat telling the truth when it could mean life or death with such little regard.
In an intimate act like sex, there is often such a lack of intimacy. Some may have sex before they know each other's last names or phone numbers, much less who else they have been with or what kind of STD they may have. They may not know. That is the scary thing. If you do not know if you have an STD, then you should get tested. If you do know and you do not disclose that to a partner, then you are endangering lives and morally wrong in my opinion.
I pose a question for your consideration: What if you have a roommate who you know has an incurable STD and they regularly bring home people that they just met for casual sex. Is it your responsibility to warn that person about your roommate’s condition? Are you just as morally responsible if you do not tell and they end up contracting the disease?
As unfortunate as it may be, Lies to achieve a goal, in this case a sexual goal, is all to common these days as cited by the numerous publications listed. I have to say that as I read through all of the comments posted by others I am somewhat surprised by these findings. I can not imagine wanting to sleep with someone that did not want to sleep with me for who or what I am. Bending the truth to achieve a sexual goal is only going to catch up to you in the end. As far as women are concerned I would like to believe that I have never been lied to about something so that I would sleep with a woman. As much as I would like to believe that it hasn't happened, after reading this article, I am almost sure that it has! That makes me feel almost dirty. I guess that humanity is headed down a path towards its own demise with sexual practices as are described in the text. It's a sad day in a man's life when he has to lie to a woman to get her to sleep with him.
While I was not surprised at the findings in this article, I was appalled by them. I am not surprised about these findings because you see examples of deceptive behavior to get sex all over the media. I feel that because we've been innundated with this message that it's okay to be dishonest with your partner in regards to sex that we're desensitized and feel no guilt because we're serving ourselves. I was very upset, though, to see how dangerous such behavior can be. We have all been in different health and sexual education classes that preach that you need to protect yourself and partner from spreading STD's and now people don't seem to care that much about that now. I think that such behavior directly contributes to the downward spiral that this world is in. If people weren't so selfish and dishonest, maybe we could have healthy and honest relationships where lying and deception weren't deemed as a necessity to get through things.
This is in response to Jess' question. I think that you posed a tough situation. On the one hand I can see wanting to tell people about the roomate, but on the other hand we must allow people to make their own choices. For instance, perhaps the person the roomate is bringing home has his or her own secrets and is equally as scandalous. I don't really know. Do you think you would continue to share a space with someone if you knew how careless he or she was?
Many people lie about different aspects of their life so we should not be surprised that some people choose to lie about their sex lives. I think that there is a difference between a lie that takes placed in a committed relationship (marriage) and the one that takes place between people who have many sexual partners. It seems that people who are committed in their relationship have a greater chance at being discovered if they lie, since the other person knows her or him very well and can detect when something is really wrong. Some people choose to lie because they do not want to hurt the person they love. Even if they did not orgasm, they assure their partner that they did felt great (26% according to the article). Such a lie prevents the other person from feeling insecure about their sexuality and the relationship, and as far as they both know the next time they have sex it will be great. The person may feel bad about being dishonest in such a fragile matter as sex but it would seem that they are choosing the other person’s happiness over their own sexual satisfaction. However, any kind of lie causes problems it prevents honest communication between partners. One may be tormented by the thought that if their partner could lie about an important thing like sex they may be lying about everything else. Lying about having an orgasm may in some cases be caused by the desire to have sex with this person again. Once a person admits that they did not reach an orgasm the other person may assume that there is something wrong with their techniques, attractiveness, or the relationship itself.
I think most of the data from this research would not surprise most people. Since, according to the article, 92% of college students have lied to a partner, most of us who read the article can think if instances in which they too have lied as well as think if instances in which they have been lied to. I was a little surprised by the percentage of people who don't tell a partner they have an STD (especially the 12-33% of people infected with HIV). I guess I didn't realize that there were so many people who cared more about having sex than putting another person's life at risk. I guess this is just another reason why people should be safe and get tested regularly.
When I first read this article, I would like to say that I was surprised by the findings that many males and females lie about their reasons for sexual encounters, but to be honest, sex to a certain degree has become a behavior of dishonesty. This article even makes it apparent that people lie for a multitude of reasons when it comes to sex. I found the three reasons for sexual deception to be very interesting because it just shows the lengths which people are willing to go in order to find sexual satisfaction. To a certain degree, I have witnessed all three of the deceptions. It does not seem farfetched that the most frequent type of deception was to avoid confrontation because partners tend to want to make each other happy and if having sex with that person does so, it seems to be a logical reason to lie. Using sex to maintain a healthy relationship, even if it is just to avoid confrontation, may also help to sustain the partnership beyond its natural course. The fact that females use this type of deception more than males seems to be indicative of the female maternal nature associated with maintaining the family/relationship. Another unsurprising find is that males use blatant deception more than females to engage in sexual behavior. This find is unsurprising because, as a male, I have witnessed many of my male friends using this deception to have sex, whether by telling a girl “I love you” or to brag to the guys about their latest ‘conquest.’ Even though the reasons and types of deceptions are different, lying for means of sex will continue to be prevalent in both genders.
While the three types of deception for having sex are not surprising, the frequency at which people lie about their sexual diseases before having sex is. One idea I think is related to this issue is that animals are willing do whatever it takes to pass their genes on, so sex is necessary under any condition. While in humans the sexual act is not always meant for procreation, lying about an ailment to have sex shows that animal nature to be engaged in sexual activity in spite of our physical circumstances. The admission of a sexually transmitted disease to a potential partner could deter the individual from engaging in sexual behavior with the infected person, thus interring with our animal nature. So in the end, it may not be so surprising that individuals would lie about an STD to gain sex because of our basic animal urges.
This takes me back to when I was young and my mother told me not to lie...but my dad said that sometimes you have to "fib" in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings. This upbringing is a mirror to the study being presented. It does go to show that deception is a concept that people do not want to admit to partaking in. It also goes to show that deception, although present in life, ironically can destroy the very thing that is being protected through the lies—in fact my parents got divorced because of deception.
I have not conversed with any person who has not lied about their sexuality. As discussed in class today, I have known women that have lowered the actual number of sexual partners and men who have raised the number of their sexual partners to seem like better people, but to also corrupt a relationship in one way or another. It does not surprise me that the majority of deception found was "deception avoiding confrontation." People, in general, are good. In all the instances that I have known people to deceive a sexual partner, it was in the best interest of the partner. Lying about the number of partners, reasons for engaging in sexual intercourse, enjoyment of the sexual intercourse, the occurrence of an orgasm—all of these are to avoid hurting the other person's feelings. Especially if you are looking at the general college population, the perception of sex is different. In college, long-lasting relationships—finding the person you want to marry, start a life with, build a strong foundation for the future with—are not what is desired. The desire is to experiment sexually and find one's sexual identity. In the search for sexual gratification, experimentation, and enjoying college life to the fullest, many people do not feel bad for lying because these are not people whom which they want to establish long-lasting relationships that need to be built on trust. It is not that college students are horrible human beings for the lying but that they are experiencing just another stepping stone to real life after college.
If you say you have not lied to another human being for one reason or another in this day of age, you are believed to be a liar for saying so. That is just how it has become. Deception has almost become an art, a sad art, but it is a talent in itself--one of the unique capabilities of human beings. It is disgusting when deception is applied in the hurtful case of sexually transmitted diseases. It can be understandable when deception is used to avoid hurting another person, but it is sick when used to intentionally hurt another. You are inflicting an illness onto another person, which could possibly cause death, to me that sounds like manslaughter. I did read somewhere, a long time back, that is was actually a crime to have HIV or AIDS and engage in sexual behavior and not tell your partner, but I am not quite sure how reliable my source was. Either way, it should be a crime.
There is not a lot of information on how the research was obtained but it seems likely that people within relationships would lie; therefore I am not at all surprised the extent to which partners lie to one another. I think on some level lying is functional within relationships. Particularly I think lying to avoid confrontation is helpful to maintain harmony, naturally because it avoids confrontation. Of course lying to avoid confrontation can be unhealthy too; I do not think someone should have sex with someone just to keep the peace. I just think that there are degrees of lies, perhaps even a spectrum and I recon that lying can be functional in moderation.
For me, lying is dependant on balance... within a relationship too many lies could be toxic just as much as blatant honesty could be just as toxic. Obviously the extent of a lie, or where a lie falls on the spectrum (if you look at it that way), is a social construction. I think a standard is set culturally, that we shouldn’t lie but within particular relationships other standards can be set which are relative to relationships; some people have preference for complete honesty and others have a don’t ask don’t tell approach. To me there is a difference between lying and being deceitful; the meaning I attach to deceit implies an intention to hurt someone whilst I feel that lies (in some circumstances) can be employed to protect someone.
It amazes me the extent of predictability in behavior of men and women. How unsurprising that the nurturing female would lie to avoid confrontation whilst the powerful man lies to get his way. Even in the fact that 92% of college students lie about the number of people they sleep with, it is more than likely that the powerful man over-reports whilst the innocent woman under-reports. Lying to self serve benefits individuals because they can make themselves seem more ideal. It appears to me that ideals stem from traditional ideas of what a man or woman should be. Additionally, I find it worrying the extent to which people lie about having sexual diseases. I guess it is a lie to self serve but still I think with issues regarding health the risks of the other individual should be central to your decision to be honest, I think a person ought to tell another if they are at risk of contracting a disease. I wonder if gender influences the likelihood to lie about having a disease; I would suspect that men would be more likely to lie than women.
The article made me wonder how the extent of lying within sexual or romantic relationship compares to the extent of lying in friendship relationships or relationships within family. I wonder if we are more likely to lie to sexual partners than other partners in life.
First of all, I was really upset to read that so many people lie in order to have sex (92% college students have lied at least once to their partner). I think that in any kind of relationship, there needs to be 100% communication and 100% honesty. Everything else you do and talk about together are based off of these fundamental aspects of your relationship. Sex is a serious next step (even if it is the first step some people take, it is still serious!) so the consequences would be very serious as well. This blog entry reminds me of the article we read about men being so obsessed with sex. The article came to the conclusion that our culture has programmed men’s minds that love is sex. This blog entry stated that over a third of men compared to over a tenth of women lie to just have sex, which shows that men do this more. Perhaps people lie in order to have sex because they are subconsciously desperately in need of love, unconditional love. Love that has no conditions for them, a love that would not care if they have HIV/HPV/genital herpes, did not experience orgasm, are not virgins, etc. because in that relationship with no conditions they would not care and therefore they would not have to worry about using deception. I don’t believe it is moral to have sex with someone if you do not love them, and then you do not have to lie to someone (17% lie to their partner that they love them). Blatant deception, self-serving deception, and deception to avoid confrontation are the three different ways people lie according to Marelich and his colleagues. Just as the article we read about men being obsessed with sex stated that men are trying to find love, friendship, compassion, joy, etc. in sex, this blog entry also states that men are more likely to engage in blatant deception (lying only for sex, no other goals). Women interestingly are more likely to engage in sex because they want a relationship, love, etc., basically the same things men want as well.
When looking at the statistics and percentages that were found in this study, I was a bit surprised of the commonality of untruth. 92 percent of college students admitted to lying to their partner about their sexual history, health, and emotions. I am not surprised to hear that these actions take place because I have known and been a victim of attempts of trickery in order to reach sexual pleasure. Fortunately, I had knowledge otherwise and avoided the situation but others are not as lucky. Some serious health and emotional issues are in danger. It saddens me to think that a person can be so untruthful and coercive and it is happening so frequently. There is no way to really tell the integrity of a person so I would advise to know the facts before putting sexual trust in another individual.
While some of the results of this study were not at all surprising (the "little white lies" about virginal status and sexual satisfaction, and even the more blatant lies about cheating on a partner), the fact that such a high percentage of people would conceal the fact that they have an incurable sexually transmitted disease such as HIV or genital herpes is quite disturbing. Lies about virginal status can be explained away by societal expectations (women should be pure, men should be dogs, etc.). Some lies about sexual satisfaction and/or performance could be justified when one is with an inexperienced partner and he or she does not want to make said partner feel self-conscious about their lack of experience. However, lies regarding whether or not one is taking birth control and lies regarding STD status are particularly malicious. These types of lies put others at risk. While sex without a condom is always preferable to sex with a condom (to me, anyway), if one partner is keeping the other in the dark regarding the his or her STD status or desire for a child, the other may soon find him- or herself in quite a predicament. Some may say that this makes a case for abstinence-only education, no sex before marriage and so on. However, to me, this simply underscores the need for one to be proactive regarding one's own sexual health. If one is not in a committed relationship with someone that they trust completely, someone with whom they can communicate freely regarding these issues, then they should either keep their pants on or insist on using a condom. In this way, he or she can dramatically reduce the chances of his or her life being impacted by the lies of a manipulative partner.
I believe many people will do whatever to get what they want. For some that may be saying "I love you" even though they don't mean. For others it may be not telling their partner that they have an STD. People would label that person if it was known that they have an STD, and they would be more likely not receive sex because of it. That also seems to go with avioding confrontation. Having sex is the way to avoid hurt and pain that a confrontation may bring up. It is also partially how we want other people to think of us. If you known your partner is a virgin you may say you have been with less partners to make them feel comfortable, and if your partner is uncomfortable they might stop the process. It is true for the opposite to, if your partner states that they have had many partners then you may lie so that they don’t think your inexperienced or don’t meet up to their standards.
I believe many people will do whatever to get what they want. For some that may be saying "I love you" even though they don't mean. For others it may be not telling their partner that they have an STD. People would label that person if it was known that they have an STD, and they would be more likely not receive sex because of it. That also seems to go with avioding confrontation. Having sex is the way to avoid hurt and pain that a confrontation may bring up. It is also partially how we want other people to think of us. If you known your partner is a virgin you may say you have been with less partners to make them feel comfortable, and if your partner is uncomfortable they might stop the process. It is true for the opposite to, if your partner states that they have had many partners then you may lie so that they don’t think your inexperienced or don’t meet up to their standards.
If there was anything that I was surprised about, it was the fact that only "92% of college students acknowledge that they have lied at least once to a partner." I say ONLY 92% because I find it extremely hard to acknowledge the idea that not everyone has told SOME kind of lie about a sexual experience or their sexuality in general. I also find it hard to believe that only 10% of women have told a lie to try to have sex with someone opposed to the 33% of men (also hard to believe). I mean, I have guy friends and I know this number is higher than that! I'm wondering if it would have been better to collected from a sample of older men and women. I'm digusted by the findings that there are people that know they have an std or an sti but do not tell their partner about it, but I'm not surprised. Over all I don't find this the most impressive study, a little hard for me to swallow.
This post didn’t surprise me too much. I know many people lie about their past experiences to either sound better or not sound as bad. The percentages were a little higher than I thought they would be though, 92% is quite a significant number. However, regardless of the lies being told, the most shocking news is that people with STDs aren’t being honest. This is by far the scariest thing I’ve ever heard. I can understand that at time people just don’t know they have something, but in this case these people had to know in order to answer the question about if they lied. It is sad that people would go so far to get someone into bed. Little white lies that make someone feel better are one thing, but the blatant lies about having STDs is just wrong. No wonder the percentage of STDs continues to rise. I understand people with STDs can at times have sex safely without passing it on, so why wouldn’t they be smart about it. They may face rejection, which I’m sure is why they lie, but overall they have a moral obligation to protect someone else’s well-being. Going back to the “white lies,” it is sad people can’t be honest, but these lies are actually sparing someone their feelings. However, they are also hurting the person telling them because hiding the truth can only “help” for so long. If someone is truly bad at sex, why would you want to lie to make them feel better and continue to have bad sex? I guess if it was a onetime deal then it is just being polite, but what about the next person that persons sleeps with?
Well biologically speaking for a man, I suppose it is impossible to tell if he is lying about being a virgin, but when a woman has sex for the fist time (assuming the male genital’s are of sufficient size) their hymen is broken. An examination can be performed by a doctor in which it can be determined if penetration has occurred in the patient’s vagina. I guess my point to all this is that, women have to basically accept the man’s word on the matter, whereas a woman’s body in some sense reveals her sexual history. These statements also take for granted that the average man has more than just the basic knowledge of the female anatomy.
In terms of lying about an orgasm, it is the exact opposite scenario, meaning you can tell biologically when a man organisms, but when a woman orgasms it is slightly more subtle. I am confident the manner in which I am equipped (thank god, because half of the battle is one’s head), but as in other areas of relationships, communication is key in terms of creating the conditions conducive for the woman to organism. I would assume there is a high correlation between relationships in which the female orgasms, and relationships in which good communication occurs.
Frankly I found the statistics presented to be disgusting, especially the ones about; someone lying about having STD’s. In my humble opinion, for someone to lie about having AIDS, should equate to attempted manslaughter. Maybe if everyone stopped lying about everything, the universe would reach a level of harmony, and true love would be obtained with ease.
I have to agree with Tammi about a lying “spectrum” and the obvious fact that this is fueled by a social construction. While I found these results somewhat surprising, the sad part is that the only things I was really surprised about what the extent to which people with dangerous diseases lie about their condition and how both men and women engage in deception that are traditionally seen as perpetuated by males or females but not by both. I think this is where the social constructionism comes to play. Stereotypically, men are dogs and will say anything to get some girl in bed and women sleep their way to the top or to get what they want. That’s what “they say”. Just the fact that we are all familiar with these expectations and that we have “they say” statements about it demonstrate that this is an area of social construction. I certainly do not believe these statements across the board but as many stereotypes, at some point in time they were rooted in some truth, although minute. The finding that one third of men have lied to someone just to have sex seems to substantiate the “they say” statement about men being dogs. The new revelation, to me, is that one tenth of women surveyed had done the same. While there was not a specific statistic given about the number of men and women having sex to obtain something, the fact that there were enough responses to warrant being named as one of the three reasons people deceive suggests that both men and women engage in this practice. In addition to many other socially constructed situations, I believe that lies and deception about sex is another Catch-22, if you will. We socialize girls to think they have to be innocent and submissive to men, although some of this mentality (specifically submissiveness) has been diminished by feminist movements. Boys grow up and see their good, wholesome mothers and then further down the line are exposed to things like Playboy – or any media outlet in this day and age for that matter – where they learn that women can be sexy and naughty and the naughtier the better. So males may end up wanting a woman who is a good girl in public but a bad girl in the bedroom. How are girls supposed to fill this expectation because, as they’ve been taught, they should be innocent? Well innocence can only last so long. Women, then, may lie about how many partners they have had so men don’t think they’re “sluts” thus fulfilling the good girl expectations and are ultimately desired by the man. But then when it’s safe (not in public) women get to be sexual beings without being judged, but they are still only judged on what the partner knows. How confusing for a person! And I don’t think this only happens with women, this is just one illustration. I also am not saying the deception is justified. My point is, simply, it is difficult for people to navigate through society and be unremittingly honest when judgments according to social constructed expectations are made all the time.
When I read this article the information it contained was not very surprising to me. I believe that people lie to their partner’s all the time about different things especially when it comes to sexual things. One of the main reasons I thought that people may lie about is because sexuality is a touchy topic for people and people that are in half way healthy relationships probably don’t want to run it by offending their partner. For example if a women were to tell a man that she didn’t like something in the bedroom I think that he will feel hurt a little bit but if he was given suggestions on what he could do better he would probably change. On the other hand if the woman was put in the same situation I feel that she would have a lot harder time dealing with it and would look at it as a flaw within herself. I think in the end she too would change to please her partner. To avoid all of this hassle I believe people lie. This deception does not help the two grow closer. I believe that at the beginning of a relationship people should be open and make a promise with each other that they will discuss issues they feel the other one falls short on and will find ways to resolve them. The main reason people lie is because they don’t want to hurt another’s feelings but if they know the lines of communication are open they may be more likely to sure things that might be a little touchy.
This is an interesting area of study. The article stated that “85% of individuals have lied to their relationship partner regarding their involvement with some other person”. This number is probably low considering that the information is garnered from self-report surveys. Unfortunately, I believe we live in a world where truth is not relevant in most situations but rather the perception of truth is what counts. If a person wants something bad enough they will lie to get it. This is not only true for sexuality but in all aspects of man’s life. As humans we want to put our best foot forward in everything we do. Regardless if that foot is covered by a borrowed shoe. This need to be seen as exceptional and moral is a conditioned response that is reinforced everyday of our lives from birth to death. It is not shocking that this would extend to our sex lives.
In a sexual relationship we demand certain things from our partners that we know are unrealistic. We demand our partners be moral, pure, honest, loyal, loving, and have integrity. Although we demand this from others we tend to be hypocritical when it comes to ourselves. Our need for sexual contact and intimacy overrides our need to adhere to societal standards. We deny this in public because we are conditioned to do otherwise. This vicious cycle is repeated in every facet of life. Politicians are the masters of this type of deception. “Do as I say and shame on you for doing as I do”. As long as they are never caught in their deception they are able to say that they live as moral rocks and shining examples. But, behind closed doors they revel in debauchery and all things that they publically abhor. This is not to say that all politicians or all humans are hypocrites but we often fail in living up to the lofty status we have unknowingly placed on ourselves.
I do believe there is a solution to the problem. It is called vulnerability. When we expose what we were once so afraid to expose it becomes so much less scary. That starts with exposing ourselves to ourselves. If we are honest enough to admit our shortcomings and flaws we suddenly realize that our expectations our unattainable and rigid. We are then forced to except flaws in others that allows for understanding and true respect. Sex will not be something that we need to sacrifice integrity for. Number of partners will be a non-issue. Communication lines will open so the need to placate an unskilled partner would be replaced with a partner who what you need to be satisfied. Just my two cents. I will step down from the soap box.
Adam D. Friedel
This article was very informative, though not at all surprising. I know of many people who consistently lie in their relationships. I know of people who have lied in all three categories of deception, but I also know people who are “serial monogamists” and who use the same kinds of lies again and again. While avoiding confrontation can cause all kinds of interpersonal tension in the long run, I can understand why people would do so. The statistics concerning people who had sex even though they didn’t want to weren’t really too shocking to me either.
Self-serving lies seem to be pretty common among people who have little or nothing to lose. Everyone knows someone like this: they don’t and/or can’t pay their own rent, they aren’t really in love with whomever they are dating, and they will do anything to get what they need or want. Once they have achieved their goals or find someone who can give them more than their current partner does, they vanish. Anything to get the bills paid, right?
The percentages of people who lie in regards to STD or HIV infections, however, is frightening. You would think that telling your primary partner up front, “I am infected with [insert disease/disorder here]” would alleviate future issues in that the partner would not find out later that he/she had been lied to. I actually am very close to a woman who contracted genital herpes and HPV from one of her partners, and he never told her that he was infected. Only after she confronted him was he honest, and told her that he hadn’t had anything “officially checked.” Instances like this are very sad, and such problems often interfere with an individual’s day-to-day functioning.
I like what you were saying Adam about how people are going to try and look as good as possible to everyone. People want to put off a positive image to people and if they want something this will most definitely help them get it. It is scary to think how ones significant other can act like they are head over heels for you, but when the spouse is not around that’s exactly how they act. I have a friend who plays these mind games. Whenever her boyfriend is around she will act like a friend not flirty or any of the sort. When her boyfriend is not around is well known she flirts with every guy and sometimes goes beyond. Scary thing being he thinks that she is little miss faithful when in reality it is only when she is around. In a way she is not lying however she does whatever it takes to have the best of both worlds. Another point to go along with how you said do as I say and not as I do. Perfect example would be the same couple at a restaurant and he was caught looking at the waitress, and she was very upset. It made me think how double standard everything was. People can be very deceitful especially when it comes to sexual relationships.
I find this very interesting, yet very believable as well. I know many people who have personally lied to their partners about how many people they have had sex with. Also, this concept is all over the media as well. In the movie 'American Pie' the guys tell each other to lie and add three to however many girls they have slept with, on the other hand the girls are told they are to subtract three from the actual number of people they have slept with. This concept is all over the media, and people see this and it changes their perception on what is "acceptable." This new perception then leads people to lie about their sexual experiences in order to "fit in" and be "accepted" by future partners. I also found it very interesting, yet believable, that women were more likely to use deception to avoid confrontation. Once again, the media depicts many women having sex with men just to keep them around, etc. I also have many female friends who have sex just to please their partner and avoid confrontation. Overall, these findings are very visible in the media and every day life.
I agree with Samantha's comments pertaining to how women use their sexuality as well, to get what they want or what they think they want. A male friend of mine had experienced this type of deceit with his past girlfriend. He was in his forties at the time and very financially successful. She preyed on his sensibilities and throughout most of their 1 1/2 year relationship, she was on birth control (pill). When she realized that he was not going to marry her, she decided to make him a father unwillingly. She went off the birth control pill and calculated her ovulation time and seduced him and ended up pregnant, in hopes to manipulate him into marriage. It didn't work. For his punishment then, she decided to cut him completely out of the pregnancy, except to allow him to pay all of her expenses. She never notified him of the birth of his son and it wasn't until his son was 3 months old that he got his first visit! He fought tooth and nail for continued visitation. All she would give him was supervised at best, how insulting! She accepted all his child support checks even during her pregnancy. He wanted to be a father, he just did not want to be married to her and she couldn't accept that, so she made his life a living hell for years, to the detriment of their child. It truly is pathetic that there are desperate people out there that will do dispecable things to get what they want. She ended up cutting her nose off to spite her face in the long run. The saddest part about her ploy to railroad this man, is the lack of love and devotion she gives this innocent child. She treats him like a dog. The child was to be her cash cow, and when that ended up backfiring years later, she was never really interested in this poor child. She claims to be a christian, more like a hypocrit. Her behavior reflects many women out there who have used their sexuality to get what they want. It's disgusting and unacceptable on any level. Men can be victims too and the laws need to change and accomodate these injustices.
Unfortunately, I am not surprised at all by the deception seen within the studies. Sex has become a highly important issue in relationships, so it only makes sense that problems have arisen. I don’t think that some of the deception is that bad. For example, telling someone that sex was good or having sex with your partner to please them can’t be that harmful. On the other hand, the other deceptions seen can have serious consequences. The obvious are those concerning STD’s. People can’t only harm others by doing this, but they can also harm themselves. I believe that it is actually against the law to not inform a partner about having HIV and one could be charged with attempted manslaughter. Also, lying about the number one has slept with, whether or not they are a virgin, and telling someone you love them to get them into bed all seem very cruel. All of these lies could later ruin a relationship and possible harm someone’s emotional health. I believe that it incredibly wrong to toy with someone’s emotions. If you are looking for an easy lay, go hire a hooker.
What saddens me the most is the fact that we as a society can’t trust our partners when in comes to sex. There are many people out there with certain motives. My suggestion, especially for women, is to get to know their partner for a while before engaging in sex with them. If they are truly interested, they will hold off on the sex, and if they just want to have sex, their true colors will show. That’s all for my “Dr. Phil moment”.
To be sincere the results of this study were not shocking at all, I would almost say it would be the expected. Although not all lies are harmful. In fact, sometimes lying might be the best approach for protecting privacy and ourselves and others from malice, some researchers say. Lying is always a form of control. Some people are pathological liars, having learned that they get a rush from manipulating others with lies. But most people lie when they are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. Some deception, such as boasting and lies in the name of tact and politeness, can be classified as less than serious. But bald-faced lies (whether they involve leaving out the truth or putting in something false), are harmful, as they corrode trust and intimacy which is the “glue” of society. Going back to the result of the study showing that 85% of individuals have lied to their partners, that would mean that high percentages of the people who are posting comments here have lied to their partners or our partners have lied to us. I would agree with Katie that sometimes men lie by adding to the list of person they have slept with and that women subtract to their list persons. I would say that men add because they want to be seen as an experience and knowledgeable person in the “field.” In regard women subtracting, I would say that would be the expectative of society were its not very well accepted when a women has been with a number of sexual partners. To conclude this comment I think lying sometimes might be a safe outcome if the other person doesn’t know how to accept the other persons past. On the other hand if sex is not reaching the apex and making the other partner reach an orgasm, I would suggest talking with the partner instead of faking it and letting the other partner know how to perform in order for the other person to reach an orgasm.
Cesar, I agree that women most likely do subtract from the number of people they have slept with because they do not want to be viewed as a "whore" in our society, even though men that have had sex with twice as many people are looked up upon. I also believe that men add numbers to their "sex list" because to them it is an accomplishment that they can go and brag about to their friends. I am sure that a large amount of people in this post have lied about some sort of sexual experience to someone their together with, or was with. Even if it is something as saying that the sex was good, but in fact was horrible. I believe that this lie is done to avoid embarrassment and harsh feelings; however the other person should know what they need to do to increase excitement and performance. Doing this could make some relationships stronger.
When I was reading this article all I could think about were experiences people I know have gone through. The findings within this article were not a shock to me at all. It seems like almost everyone I know has had some experience of lies and deception with a sexual partner. Male and female whether we are speaking in terms of biology or gender individuals lie. I know girlfriends who have lied to sleep with men and who have lied to stay with men. I think almost all my male friends have lied to sleep with some girl. Most of my friends have also cheated on at least one partner. I know my girlfriends have lied about orgasms on many occasions. I can totally see who easy it is to lie about a partner being good in bed or the best they has ever had. You do not want to hurt anyone's feelings especially after sex. Lying is never good though. It might be for the short term but when it comes to sex and relationships emotions become involved and that is when people end up going "crazy". The issue of lying about STDs and HIV Aids is a whole other story. These are life threatening issue. If a person lies about this I would seriously have to question character on all level. Isn't it illegal to have sex with a person and not inform them about being HIV positive. If not it should be. Although people do not always abide by the law it may at least save a life. I was also a little shocked with the statistic of 92% did seem high to me. It almost seems scary to date after listening to that statistic. I goes a person always need to have a guard up when it comes to dishonesty.
I found these statistics to be interesting and unfortunately for myself somewhat true. I like to think of myself as a pretty honest person but I know I have personally lied about my partner number, whether or not I organsimed, and assuring a partner that sex was good when it wasn't. I have also had sex with a partner even when I did not want to to help maintain the relationship. One things I found interesting in the article was the statistics about people telling their partners about their sexually transmitted disease. Unlike HIV and Herpes, I know alot of males probably dont know that they would be carrying HPV. I wonder if these stats on people telling their partner of their disease was conducted only with people who actually knew and purposely didn't tell.
OK, I can believe that 85% of individuals have lied to their partner about being sexually involved with some other person outside of the relationship, but I was dismayed to see that 12 to 33% do not inform their primary partner of their HIV status. While not telling someone that they have HIV before they have sex with them may not be considered a blatant lie, it is still a lie of omission. I think this type of deception goes beyond self-serving deception; it could be considered as antisocial behavior, especially if the individual is engaging in unprotected sex. These individuals are willing to saddle another human being with a disease that will not only change their lives forever but very likely shorten them too. By not caring enough to disclose their HIV status, they are basically saying they don’t really care about the person they are with and that they are disposable.
Overall, I’d have to say that I’m not at all surprised by this study. I think we all know of situations where a person had lied about an orgasm or how good the sex was, or if they’d wanted to have sex at all, in order to maintain a relationship. I don’t know if I would consider this to be a “good thing,” but I think that it is “normal,” anyway. Similarly, I don’t think that anybody would be surprised to hear that it is not uncommon for some people, especially men, to lie in order to get sex. I’m sure we all have friends who have admitted to doing this.
Something that did really shock me about this study was with the number of people who use deception to hide the fact that they had sexually transmitted diseases, even if they had HIV. I wonder if this simply means they did not mention the fact, or if they outright lied when asked if they were “clean.” Either way, though, this is kind of disgusting to me. To think that 12-33% of individuals who know that they have HIV are still willing to keep this fact to themselves when they have a primary sexual partner just seems wrong. How can they put somebody else at risk of contracting a life threatening disease just so they can have sex? I can’t imagine what it must be like to be somebody who has this disease, but I still don’t know of any justifiable excuse not to tell somebody about it before engaging in sex with them.
I was not that surprised to see that an overwhelming amount of people have lied to their partner about wanting to have sex or the amount of pleasure that they experienced. I think that women actually lie quite often about the pleasure that they experience. For some reason men take it very personally when they are unable to "satisfy" a woman. So women, in turn, feel the need to protect the mans feelings, which ultimatley translates into his masculinity.
I was shocked and terrified at the percentages of people who lied to their partners about having a sexually transmitted disease. This type of lie is horrible especially when someone is purposefully passing around incurable diseases. After reading those percentages, how can anyone trust a "new" sexual partner? After all, 90% of college students have been found to lie.
I agree Rebecca, I was also very shocked about the number of people who were aware of the STD's that they had and failed to mention them. It really makes you think twice about what partners you have. I actually know a couple that the guy knew he got an STD and failed to tell his girlfriend and sure enough she trusted that he was clean. She now will have this disease for the rest of her life, because he failed to tell her or even use protection. Everyone knows this type of thing happens, but could never imagine that it would happen to you.
This post was very interesting, and I believe confirmed, by studies, what most people should already know. Women, in general, do not want confrontation and will do most things to avoid it. I’m not saying that she will have sex with anyone just so that she doesn’t have to say no, but I believe that a woman will have sex with a person to avoid a sticky situation in the relationship. I know that I have “given in” to my husband because I didn’t want to argue about how long it had been. Sometimes he just does not understand everything that I have on my plate and how much of a toll it takes on me. But, I will give in instead of arguing about my life, and his life, and our life, etc. We all should know that men, in general, lie to get what they want i.e. “come on baby, I love you”. Men’s hormones drive their daily activities. It may not get in the way of most men’s lives, but it is certainly a large factor of it.
I think that in this day in time, it is more acceptable to have had many partners. However, I think that it is important to discuss this issue with your partner, should your relationship turn into something special and that could last a long time. It is very hard to have a discussion like that once you have been in a relationship for a while.
I was personally kind of shocked about some of the content “I’ve Never Done This Before” and “Was It As Good For You As It Was For Me?!” Sex, Lies, and Whatever It Takes. I was not shocked by the techniques of deception and lies in order to get what a certain individual wanted, but the staggering numbers that people commit these kinds of behavior did. The fact that 92% of college students have lied to a partner and typically lied about topics regarding their sexual history make me very wary about trusting someone. Especially, considering the repercussions if the individual is lying about having a sexual transmitted disease. I was appalled by the fact that 12 to 33 percent of HIV positive individuals knowingly lied to partners about having a lethal virus.
It is clear that a great deal of deception and deceit occurs in relationships, particularly when sex is involved. Therefore, I believe it is important for people to exercise a great deal of caution in order to avoid getting hurt or a disease. Ensure that you are in a trusting relationship and the lines of communication are open before you get too involved.
This article really didn't surprise me that much. I have friends who are very promiscuous and engaged in many conversations with them on why they lie about it and whether they will ever tell the truth. One of my friends who has had over 100 partners says that he will never reveal the truth because it will most certainly end the relationship. Some people lie about a couple of experiences because they are embarrassed or it was a situation entirely out of character.
The scary part of the article is that people lie about STD's. I understand that it would almost ensure that they don't get to have sex with the person that they admit it to, but when it is something serious or deadly, how could you lie? It is disgusting to put your desires above someone's health.
I guess it's a good thing that a man just got sentenced to 45 years in prison for knowingly infecting several people with HIV. Honestly he is a new kind of serial killer.
It doesn't surprise me that people tell the white lies to partners about being good or wanting it when they don't. Most people want to spare people's fellings if they are inadequate or average. I am sure that women lie often about wanting it when they don't. Women don't typically have as strong a sex drive as men, but most are considerate enough to oblige their man.It takes sacrifice to make a relationship work.
I've always felt that sometimes, you just have to stretch the truth a little bit. That’s why this information was not surprising to me at all. However, I did expect the percentage to be higher than just 85. I know a ton of guys that have lied to get sex, and just as many girls that have had sex just to maintain the relationship. However, the important thing is the significance of the lie. And we all hear those stories where a girl claims she has taken birth control if there isn’t a condom, or a one person tells the other they love them- just to have sex. People are constantly worried about judged. No wonder the lie that occurs most often relates to the number of people one has had sex with. I'm sure this lie is one that is forever changing depending on the person that is being told the lie and their morals.
On another note, I once had a conversation with a lady that involved her telling me, "Honey, sometimes you just have to fake it!" I am surprised the percentage on faking an orgasm is only a little 1/4 of the sample. I really would have expected this number to be higher also. This is supported by results presented later in the article on the most frequent type of deception being the kind to avoid confrontation. For example, a girl may engage in intercourse to make her lover happy, quickly fake an orgasm, and wait for him to finish. I guess to me then, if the girl is going to have sex just to avoid confrontation she would have to play the part, or the guy would notice and confrontation could still occur. While this example may apply to both men and women, the point remains the same.
Is sex really important enough to lie about life-altering STDs? I'd hope not, but there are people that do. I think this article gives any person who is in a relationship a lot to think about (maybe even to get paranoid about).
Overall, these statistics and findings were not really surprising to me. I do, however, find it unfortunate that many people feel the need to lie in order to satisfy their partner or to get somebody to have sex with them. I was especially not surprised that over half of people reported they had lied to avoid confrontation. In life in general we do tend to tell little white lies here and there to avoid confronation with friends, family, coworkers and so on. It is only logical that this would extend to concerns or topics regarding sex. However, I personally think that lying to avoid confrontation is counterproductive; I think that it will only lead to more problems and issues down the line. If you were consistently not happy with your partner's performance and continued to lie about it, eventually that is going to put a damper on the relationship. I think that continuing to lie would lead to lack of interest in sex all together or perhaps encourage behavior outside of the relationship. It seems that it would be so much easier if people would learn to communicate with each other. As long as people can learn to not always be so defensive and be open to communicating how to make a situation better, I see no reason why being honest would be a problem. Sometimes lying in attempt to spare someone's feelings is not always the best way to resolve an issue. One thing that I think absolutely needs to be addressed is blatant deception and lying about or omitting the fact that one may have an STD. That is absolutely unacceptable. No wonder STDs are a significant problem in the world. Instead of being honest, some people omit this information or lie about it and then possibly infect people that they have sex with. I feel that if a person has an STD it is their responsibility to tell someone they are going to have sex with about it. That is a potentially life altering decision that they do not have the right to make for the other person. So while I was not really surprised, I cannot say that I was pleased or at best alright with the findings.
I was not surprised at all to read that men more than women lie in order to obtain sexual incentives. As a male, I have found that I have done so myself. I am not proud of it by any means, but being "in the moment" it just happened. I know plenty of women that have lied also to avoid hurting a man's feelings. If both parties have no intention of furthering the relationship than I guess it doesn't really matter if either one lies about something. I DO NOT think it is okay, however, to lie about something that could potentially harm either individual. Knowing that you have a sexually transmitted disease and not telling your partner is cruel, disrespectful, and downright WRONG! Why would you want someone else to have to go through what you do if they don't have to? It's not worth the pleasure to induce pain on someone else. Both men and women are capable of lying, cheating, and manipulating, and that's why each individual should take extreme caution when choosing a sexual partner.
Sex is a tricky situation and can happen for so many different reasons other than what one would think. I think a lot of people know this and have come to that realization. I’ve never been one to play games as far as sex is concerned just because it can make it a lot more complicated if lies get dug a little deeper than intended in the beginning. I would hope that anyone that I’m in a relationship with wouldn’t lie to me about anything sexually related, especially anything that could be harmful to me such as a sexually transmitted disease. When it comes to someone’s health and well being, there is no excuse for lies or deception. I think that having sex with your partner just to make them happy, or to keep the relationship going means that there are other problems going on that may need to be addressed. If it’s causing issues because your partner wants to have sex, and you have to lie or just do it to keep them happy, it seems like there is something wrong with that. As far as lying to make your partner feel good about themselves, I guess there’s no harm in building esteem for someone you care about or love. However, if you’re lying about having an orgasm, I think this is just hurting yourself and cheating yourself out of making things right so you can experience it for real.
Like most who commented before me, I am not shocked with the findings in this study; especially regarding the issue of blatant deception. How many times have we heard that men (or women) will tell us that they love us to get what they want? It's horrifying but something that is definitely deserving of a second thought. In addition, my girlfriend and I were just discussing tonight how being a virgin is the new "in" thing for sexuality. We discussed a Victoria's Secret model who claims to be a virgin, and how we heard praise about this. Regarding to the 8% who lie about being a virgin, I have a feeling this will be heading into a higher percentage if this trend of being a virgin continues to make it's vast debut. However, on the other end, what truly did shock me is the issue of lying about an STI/STD to a partner. The statistics for deceiving a partner about HIV was between 12 to 33%! In addition to genital herpes, which was over 35%! something of this severity needs to be addressed; because this is not just a one night stand, both of these STD's are for life. Conclusively, this post played on my emotions while also evoking my thoughts. I felt sad and hurt for those who sincerely think that they are receiving the truth from their partner, but then, in another sense, I feel they should have asked for proof of clean status (regarding STD's). No one deserved to be lied to, especially regarding something of this nature, but as referenced in this article, it happens much more than I would assume any of us would like to think.
The findings that were made on this research I believe are very true and most accurate. From my friends to myself I have done these things and I'm sure that everyone that has read this has to at one point or reason or another. I believe that partners should be honest from the start with each other before every getting involved sexually because laying all the facts down at the start is a positive decision that will affect your whole life. However like this study suggests not all partners will tell the truth, this is where if you absolutely cannot fully trust someone or you feel you can still I would make them go get tested to just be on the safe side because no one can be to safe when it comes to your body and your life which will follow for the rest of your life and affect future partners if you're not careful with the decisions you make in your life. I find these researches to be insightful because not everyone realizes the TRUTH about things they just assume that they are honest. So with something like this it's a good reality check for those who are sexually active and with multiple partners. Regarding the emotions that you may lie about when having sex with your partner doesn't mean it's bad or anything or a bad lie it's just the fact that not every time will be "THE BEST" nothing is always perfect but it can still be good without it the best every time you have intercourse with your partner. So yes I believe in the number of telling your partner the sex was good when it may not of been that time.
This article inadvertently makes a strong argument for remaining sexually inactive. The presence of blatant dishonesty in sexual relationships is enough to make one want to refrain from possibly falling prey to an individual who omits the fact that he is HIV or HPV positive. Not only is the risk of acquiring an STD from a deceitful partner daunting, the idea that one can not trust the person with whom they are having sexual intercourse to be honest and open is rather averting.
My friend recently told me of a scenario in which her guy friend falsely told his partner that their sexual encounter was his first experience. Because the girl was a virgin, she saw no reason to use a condom and he unwittingly gave her HPV. This story horrified me because it demonstrates the deceit surrounding many sexual experiences and it exemplifies the risks of having unsafe sex. When paired with the results of this study, my friend's anecdote seems increasingly plausible as a reoccurring horror.
Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy when it comes to sexual health, and generally, it is also the best policy in relationships. True intimacy comes from revealing yourself to another person. Lies work to conceal and destroy intimacy. Unpleasant truths, such as a long list of past partners, are better than unpleasant results, such as STD's.
The study did not note the length of time or level of intimacy of the relationships on which the participants were reporting. It would be interesting to know whether the relationships which contained lies were long-term, committed relationships. I would speculate that the reports of deceit came from short, casual sexual relationships because it has been my observation that discovered deceit often caters to the early termination of a relationship.
This seems to be a decision that is make by the person it is some thing that comes down to ones opinions on sex and the views that they were brought up believing. i a strong believe that when you do not speak to both children and adults about the consequences of there action. problems like this can happen and that is why we have the facts that we do. Because people don't talk enough. they just assume that we will learn the information needed on our own. This was an intressing topic and I am very proud of the writer for putting the facts out there for other to see and read.
As several others have mentioned, I agree that these findings are not really that surprising. I would comment, however, that these percentages of people that lie about sex are not compared to percentages of people that lie about other topics. I would venture to say that they are probably not that far off. Although the motivation to lie about sex seems to be greater because it can be easily manipulating, I would say that the main cause of lying in any situation is manipulation. I am guessing that someone who would not lie in other scenarios, would not lie about sex.
The percentages of people that admit to lying about STDs is quite scary to be frank. It shows a downright lack of respect for the other person(s) and an extremely short-term, self-centered attitude. On the other side of the coin, the person most likely understands the risk of engaging in the sexual behavior with someone that could possibly have an STD, but I do not believe that this is any justification. We as humans want, and ought to be able to trust each other.
This study, like others have said, does not shock me. I do have to say some of the percentages were a little higher than I was expecting. But I too have known people, both men and women that have lied just so they could get sexual pleasure. It is sad that people would actually lie about having STDs or anything major like that. I believe that some of the lies told are much greater than some others. Like lying about having an STD is a lot more serious than saying "I love you" and not meaning it. I think that this is just a wake up call to really get to know the person you are about to sleep with and know the risks of having sexual intercourse before engaging in it with some random person. I think it will help if you know the person and you know the risks. I'm talking about not taking a random person home from the bar! Talking to that person over drinks is not "getting to know them!"
Re-posting Blog to give more input. Thanks
This seems to be a decision that is make by the person it is some thing that comes down to ones opinions on sex and the views that they were brought up believing. I am a strong believe that when you do not speak to both children and adults about the consequences of there action. Problems like this can happen and that is why we have the facts that we do. Because people don't talk enough, they just assume that we will learn the information needed on our own. This was an interesting topic and I am very proud of the writer for putting the facts out there for other to see and read. The facts that we do not know the truth is a given how much can one trust another person come down to how much you trust in yourself. If you do not have trust in what you are saying how can you trust that another person is going to be trust worthy with you.
We are brought up to believe that lying is bad, it is not something that we should do, but yet we are people believe that the truth can also be bad in the same since. We take lying as a small part of ever person’s life. We all have told those small lies and everything’s has been alright. So we as human see no harm in them. But the truth is that those small lie’s that we think are okay. Real set the ground work for things that happens in our future. It the start of thinking that its okay to tall someone that we have only been with 10 people when in reality its more likely that we have been with over 20. But ten sounds so much better and we tell ourselves that the truth would only hurt the other person. It what we call a small “White Lie”. Its something that comes very easy to most but does that make it right.
Sex is a big topic among many different people, it is one of the most interment acts that a person can do with another person, and yet as the studies show we are not truthful with ourselves let alone the other person. I am a strong believer that the truth will come out at some times whether we want it to or not. People find out information about us and our past. So I say to anyone reading this Be honest up front its going to save you in the long run.
As most of the other students have stated, this information and facts, for the most part, do not surprise me. Especially the 92% of college students admitting they have lied at least once to a partner. Everybody tells little white lies, it is inevitable. However, when it comes to sex, I feel like little white lies do not really have a place. Telling a little white lie in an effort to get somebody to have sex can toy with their emotions in the long run, or even affect their health if it has to do with a sexually transmitted disease. When people lie about orgasms, I feel like they are just hurting themselves. If they were to be honest about an orgasm, or lack thereof, their partner alone or together as a couple they could work on changing things for a more pleasurable experience for the both of them.
My opinion, is similar to that of a previous person, if you are not sure about someone having a STD or don’t know them well enough to know, you probably should not have sex with them. I don’t think that sleeping around is the best way to go, and people who do that should understand the risks they face and be honest with their partners. In the end it has been their choice, and they should have to face the consequences if it means that their current partner does not want to have sex with them.
All the forms of deception are bad, but I think blatant deception and self-serving deception are the worst. In my opinion it is just using your partner, which is not fair or right. Deception to avoid confrontation can go many ways. It is bad in that, if you are lying about not having an STD to avoid a fight, you are avoiding a fight, but risking a life. Or if you are lying to avoid a break up, you probably aren’t in a very good relationship anyways if you have to lie about wanting sex. The only good side I see to any of the styles of deception is that with deceiving to avoid a fight, at least nobody is really getting hurt physically or emotionally, in most cases.
The findings in this article are not the least bit surprising to me. Being a college student myself I find it easy to believe that people lie to be sexually intimate with someone. I also find it easy to believe that men lie more than women and for different reasons. The blog provided a few statistics regarding the number of college students who have lied to a partner; some 92% of college aged students have reported lying to a partner regarding sex! Women lie about orgasms and men lie about how many women they have slept with, if the lies continue how are these college students having well-meaning healthy beneficial sexual encounters!?!?! Also, the lies have progressed regarding sexually transmitted diseases. Men and women have both reported lying to a partner and withholding information from a partner about having a sexually transmitted disease. Between 12 and 33% of individuals with HIV claim to not have shared this information with the person they are sleeping with! This is an outrageous statistic considering the detrimental effects of HIV. This blog provided me with a refreshed insight into the college student psyche regarding sex and health. We still live in a time when 18-24 year olds believe they are virtually indestructible and unfortunately someday that will catch up with them.
I agree 100% with Jennifer. While other people may find these statistics unbelievable, I do not. Many people see college as an opportunity to explore their sexuality and sleep with as many people as possible. I find it appalling that so many people lie to their sexual partners about having STD’s. It’s one thing to lie to a person about being in love with them, but it’s a completely different issue when lying to someone about something that could be so detrimental to their health. Don’t get me wrong, both things are bad. I don’t see why people lie about loving someone just to get them to have sex. Why don’t they just go out and find someone who they truly love?
According to the blog, 51% of the people questioned have had sex with their partner just to please them. I’m all for making your partner happy, but I don’t feel that anyone should feel pressured to have sex for any reason at all. If a person is going to leave you because you don’t want to have sex, I would go ahead and let them walk out the door. In my mind, people like that were just in the relationship for the sex anyway. I feel that people need to be 100% honest about their past sexual relationships when they are starting a new relationship. Both people should also be aware of the reason behind wanting to have sex. If you just want to have sex to have sex and don’t have any intentions behind it, let that be known to your partner. With everything out in the open, people will have a much better time deciding if a person is really worth keeping and investing their time into them.
I do not find most of these statistics to be surprising, however some of them are easily classified as "unfortunate" to say the least. I say "unfortunate" because one would hope that such tactics would be unnecessary. However, this post does an exceptional job of conveying how outstandingly complex sexual behavior can be.
I do find the statistic of 85% of individuals having lied regarding involvement with another person to be striking, although when considering what I know about people that I know, this seems to be accurate. The short paragraph detailing that men seem to lie more than women in order to engage in sexual behavior also appears to be accurate at a glance.
It seems that a lot of the items presented from the research reflect individuals' knowledge of "what to say" in order to bolster the likelihood of sexual behavior. I think that this, and especially the fact that men seem more likely to lie in order to gain access to sex, could be viewed as a reflection of the attitude that one has the "right" to sex. I think that men who harbor no conflict about lying in order to get sex would likely score high on scales reflecting negative attitudes towards women (for example, an AWS). . I say this because this seems to be an egocentric approach to get sex, as it does not really take into consideration the affect and cognitions of potential partners. The process of actively conveying false information would seem to show that one is highly familiar with effective methods of achieving sexual behaviors, and could be classified as part of the elaborate dance that human beings do in order to fulfill needs.
I was not alarmed by the statistics presented due to what I have learned from knowing the people that I do. Though, it is still rather unsettling that the statistics are as high as they are. It seems that most of the common lies are strongly related to the emphasis this culture places on sex and the expectations that are developed about how sex is supposed to be.
People tend to lie about the number of previous sexual partners because of the stigmas assigned with having more than a certain number of partners (such as 1 or 2 versus having 6 or 7, or even more). Lies about experiencing orgasms, telling one’s partner that they are the best they have ever had, and that the sex was good tap more into the issues of expectations avoiding emotional distress. The quality of sex is heavily emphasized to the degree that individuals can develop fears of their own performance, wanting so much to please their partners as best as they can. These lies seem to be more for the “partner’s sake” so that the partner does not feel inadequate, since being labeled as sexually inadequate is very embarrassing and stressful.
These different intentions for telling lies, including the tendency to lie to receive sex, seem consistent with the study by William Marelich and his colleagues which outlines three categories of deception. Their findings were also not surprising to me based on the people I know. They have shown that sex in relationships is complex and complicated, and the lies that individuals use will be more likely depending on the nature; whether it is blatant, self-serving, or to avoid confrontations.
Like many others who have commented on this post, I too do not find these statistics very shocking. However, it does seem difficult to wrap one’s head around the thought that 92% of college students have lied at least once to their partner. I think that people tend to lie about their sexual experiences and relationships for a number of reasons. The main reason I feel is that the person is probably embarrassed in some shape or form. Our society tends to judge those who have had multiple partners or have contracted an STD. For example a woman who has had numerous partners can easily be labeled as a “slut” and STD’s have a negative connotation associated with them, meaning the person can be view as being “diseased”. So, when starting a new relationship I can see how people tend to lower their numbers of stated sexual partners or just don’t mention that they have an STD, perhaps they are worried about jeopardizing the relationship or feel like they should be ashamed of having “that many partners” or “having HIV”. I feel that when it comes to lying about experiencing orgasm or telling their partner the sex was good or the best they ever had comes more from not wanting to hurt their partner’s feelings. Who would really want to hear from their partner that the sex they just had was horrible or that orgasm was never achieved? We all know that white lies happen, usually because we don’t hurt the people we care mostly about. However, when those lies are about situations that may end up physically causing harm to their partner the situation becomes more serious, in the case of STD’s or AIDS. I personally feel that if someone is going to be having sex then they need to take responsibility for themselves and owe it to their partners to be honest with them about their sexual history.
Partners in romantic relationships frequently lie to their partner about issues regarding sexuality. Even though men and women may lie about issues regarding sexuality for very different reasons, these little white lies are meant to please and reassure their partners, both emotionally and physically. However, there are multiple consequences that may result from the truth being held within a romantic relationship. These consequences include the hurt a partner may feel if the truth is found out and the issue of conforming to societal expectations.
Personally, I did not find these results rather shocking. From personal experience, I have often found that it is very common for men to lie to women to get them to take part in sexual activities with them. Furthermore, women are also likely to lie about their own personal sexual experiences in order to maintain the romantic relationship. Even though a vast majority of people do take part in telling their romantic partner these little white lies in regards to their own sexuality, these little white lies may actually end up hurting the romantic partner more if they go untold, especially if a romantic partner is hiding from their partner the fact that he or she may have an STD.
I find it rather sad that women and men cannot embrace their own sexuality. Due to society norms, pressure is added on men and women to conform to societal expectations pertaining to sexuality. Women are expected to engage in sexual activities with very few people, but if they fail to do this they are quick to be labeled a “slut” or “whore.” Furthermore, men’s masculinity is often questioned if they do not engage in multiple acts of sexual activity. If sexuality was embraced more in our society, these little white lies may be avoidable. Women would feel more comfortable about opening up about their own sexuality, and as a result, men would not have to lie to women in order to get them to perform sexual acts. Men and women would be better able to express their sexually if societal norms did not play such a huge part in our acceptance and expectations of sexuality.
This research was not surprising to me at all. If anything, it was very revealing! Everyone wonders if your significant other is telling the truth about the level of enjoyment in sexual behavior, especially if they have been with multiple partners. The three categories of deception found in research were interesting: blatant deception, self-serving deception, and deception to avoid confrontation. All three are manipulative. It is sad that people can be manipulated to believe they are in healthy relationships, when all the while this deviousness is going on. The most frequent type of deception was avoiding confrontation. I think this happens a lot as relationships deteriorate and people are still sexually active with each other. The more the relationship deteriorates, the more sex is used in place of communicating. Sex can become a means of fixing problems. However, it does anything but that, it prolongs problems, making it more emotionally traumatic when you DO actually break up. Making sex equivalent to communication in relationships, especially in the pre-break up setting brings up more emotions than it would if sex was kept out. Feelings of abuse and being used are inevitably going to follow. My advice to couples would be to communicate fully, even if it is the last thing you want to do. If you don’t, it is going to be detrimental to your relationship in an exponential way.
This article was not surprising at all, as I have known plenty of friends who have lied in sexual situations for one reason or another. It makes perfect sense that women would have a greater tendency to lie when not wanting to cause a confrontation. Women don’t want to disappoint a man they like if they feel as though their partner wants to engage in sex, even if they (women) do not. Women, I believe in large part, have an understanding that sex equals love, and to show a partner we love them we must have sex at some point, or our partner will feel unloved and possibly leave. This goes along with the study showing that men are more likely to blatantly lie. I’m sure a large part of these blatant lies are telling women they love them when they know they do not. Men also know that, at least to a lot of women, sex and love go together, so by a man proclaiming his love at that right moment is a lie aimed at obtaining the ultimate goal of sex. Hopefully women are learning to wise up, and this research will show that love and sex do not always go hand in hand, are there are possible lies being said whenever you are in a sexual situation with someone. Just a personal side note, I believe if women and men wait until they are married, or at the very least, in a serious long term committed relationship before engaging in sex, then the chance of lies would significantly decrease, along with any chance of hurt caused.
Ruby Do
Blog Assignment 1
I would disagree with Jannel1111 and Jen about lying could be considered as the best option to maintain a good relationship. Honestly, as a female, I would be pissed if I found out my partner lies to me about his sexual background from other people but him. I understand that everyone has the past, and I personally will not care about my partner’s past relationships only if he confesses his past sins. Two people decide to have sex because they love each other, and the word “lie” should never be included in love relationship. I think people who lie to their partners just to have sex or to get their benefit are selfish and completely the losers. People are lying about their sex life will not only ruin their relationship but also damage his/her self-esteem.
Ruby Do
Blog Assignment 1
I would disagree with Jannel1111 and Jen about lying could be considered as the best option to maintain a good relationship. Honestly, as a female, I would be pissed if I found out my partner lies to me about his sexual background from other people but him. I understand that everyone has the past, and I personally will not care about my partner’s past relationships only if he confesses his past sins. Two people decide to have sex because they love each other, and the word “lie” should never be included in love relationship. I think people who lie to their partners just to have sex or to get their benefit are selfish and completely the losers. People are lying about their sex life will not only ruin their relationship but also damage his/her self-esteem.
As most everyone else has stated, I am really not surprised to see the statistic that 92% of college students admit to lying to a partner. I think many people engage in deception to avoid confrontation. It is much easier to lie and tell your partner that you enjoyed sex rather than hurt his or her feelings when you admit that it really was not that good. Since women are more often “in charge” of keeping the relationship afloat, I would guess that deception to avoid confrontation is more common in women than in men, though I could be wrong.
The statistic I find most disturbing is definitely the tendency to conceal sexually transmitted diseases like HIV, genital herpes, and HPV. Whether it is a lack of education about the long-lasting effects of STDs, deception to avoid confrontation, or flat-out denial, concealing STDs can have a huge influence on a person’s partner’s life. To me, the overall message of this blog has been to be very, very careful with whom you decide to have sex! 92% of your potential choices will lie to you! Just kidding, but really it is important to trust your sexual partner(s) for this reason.
After reading this entry, I wasn’t surprised at how high the numbers were for the statistics. It’s sad that this kind of lying and deception occurs within relationships but it isn’t really surprising. The fact that people are willing to lie their partners just so they can get sex from them goes to show how powerful sex is. Sex can and should be a wonderful part of any serious romantic relationship but if it’s abused, it may cause tremendous emotional pain and suffering. Lies of any kind are going to be damaging to a relationship but lies that have to do with sexuality are maybe the most damaging. The partner being lied to might feel used or that he or she wasn’t good enough for the relationship to work. People in relationships should really try to be completely honest with their partner about their sexuality. Not doing so, will only weaken the relationship.
It shouldn't be surprising that people lie, even about sex. We all have lied at some point in our lives, whether we call in sick to work to go to a special event or tell someone a new hair cut looks good when it really doesn't. I don't condone lying; however in some cases, such as lying about having an STD cannot be justified in any way, while lying to prevent hurting someone's feelings can be more tolerable.
Lying to get someone to have sex with you, for a self-serving purpose, or to prevent confrontation are likely not as life threatening as lying about having an STD, but can still have ramifications. It would be interesting to know the outcome of these lies, such as if someone has sex to prevent a confrontation, how do they feel the next day, week, or even ten years later. If someone has sex for a self-serving purpose, do they regret it later? Lies that a significant other is the best ever or only person they have ever been with could have serious effects on the relationship. Whether it's the person lying or the person being lied to, experiences like these could change how a person feels about themselves, the other person, or future partners. It could also change their sexuality and how a person views sex. People who have or are considering lying need to look beyond the immediate gratification and think about how it could hurt themselves and others in the future.
I was not surprised by these statistics. I find it appalling that so many people lie to their sexual partners about their sexual relations. I understand if you are lying to protect the person in a way but lying that you don’t have an STD, or telling someone you love them just so they would sleep with you, is just a very cruel thing to do. It is just morally wrong to engage in a sexual act with someone if you have some kind of disease. The truth will eventually come out and could possibly harm someone’s self esteem, or emotional state of mind, and will definitely ruin a relationship. I know of both men and women that have lied to their partners to get some kind of sexual pleasure. I am just so flabbergasted how people live with themselves, by telling these lies and not having a guilty conscience.
It just strikes me that 92% of college students have lied to their partner. That percentage seems so high, but I believe it to be true. You hear people all the time talking about their fling from the weekend. It just amazes me how people don’t have respect for their own body and really get to know these partners before they engage in some sexual activity with them. My advice would be to know the person before you engage in any sexual pleasures. If the partner really wants to be with you and not just for sex, they will truly honor your wishes and wait until you are ready. But if they are not willing to wait that is usually the sign that they just want a sexual relationship, and if you have self respect for yourself you would let that person go.
This type of research is very important to perform to completely understand the realm of sexual relations. While this is important research, the results do raise some methodological questions. As a consumer, I would want to know who the participants of these studies were. One of the percentages says it was obtained through surveying college students. I wonder if that is how all the results were obtained, because if that is the case they would not be generalizable to all the public. They would only be able to explain the average college student.
Also, it would be nice to know if the results were obtained through surveys or another form of collection. Because of the sensitivity of the subject of sex, it is important to collect the data in a way that makes the participant feel comfortable enough to be honest. The way in which the data is collected can have a profound impact on the results.
Finally, I feel the research should be continued to better understand why people fall into those three groups, especially the deception category. It would be helpful to continue the research to see if the group they fall into has anything to do with abuse, neglect, or something else underlying. This research is a great start to understanding sexual relationships and how people lie to please people, but research does need to be continued to understanding the underlying reasons for the lying.
The most disturbing to me is that people lie about having STD’s, although it doesn’t say if these individuals then went on to use any protection during sex or not. I would be devastated to find out I had a STD, especially one with no known cure, such as Herpes or HIV. However, I believe a person needs to deal with the news and to then get the facts about the disease they have. The person should be well informed, which may help having conversations with potential sexual partners in the future. I know some people may decide they don’t care and not want to tell people, as they themselves contacted the disease because a previous partner chose not to tell them. Perhaps the person is in denial about the fact that they have a disease, which could result in them lying to partners about their sexual health.
I believe that most people lie about their sexual past, either due to embarrassment for a plethora of experiences or lack of experiences, or due to them thinking that their partner won’t want to be with them based on certain experiences. Jealousy is a huge part of this. I’m at the age that I no longer feel that I should lie about my past because it has made me who I am today. If someone has a problem with it we can try to deal with it, or they can let it bother them. Most people have a few “skeletons in the closet” so to speak. However, it isn’t always necessary to lie if a person feels uncomfortable with a certain question, but I feel that maturity helps with this matter. If someone asks me a question I’m not comfortable answering at the time, I just don’t answer it as opposed to lying as I may have done when I was younger.
It is not surprising to me that the most common type of deception is avoiding confrontation at 51%. This seems as though it is the easiest and probably most “acceptable” form of deception. Although lying is never acceptable, people like routine in their everyday lives and tend to avoid confrontation because it disrupts the routine that they are accustomed to. This reason alone can help to explain, at least partially, why this is the most common form of deception in relationships. The fact that everyone (92% of people surveyed) lies in some way about their sex life though, tells me that it is nearly impossible to believe anyone that you are in a relationship with. It simply makes having a relationship that is solid all the more difficult. I also find it easy to believe that nearly 1/3 of men have lied to their partner just to get them to have sex with them. This number is signififcantly higher than women (1/10 of women surveyed), but men have been known for some time to be more permiscuous and to be less emotionally attached to the act of sex. Women tend to see sex as more of an emotional experience and this creates a stronger bond then most men establish to their sexual relationships. With this in mind, one can see why more men lie in order to get someone to have sex with them. The fact that people lie about hving an STD is nerve racking to say the least. It’s a little frightening to know that people are not honest enough to let their partner know that they may be putting their health at risk. I understand that it is probably not one of the easiest things to bring uo whil in the heat of the moment, but it is a vital piece of information for partners to know about. It is an important piece of information that every person has the right to know, so much so that I believe that it is against the law NOT to tell someone that you have an STD before having sex with them. If the person reallyt cares for you, they will find some way to work it out. This is how disease spreads quickly and undetected, and is a big reason why STDs are becoming increasingly difficult to control. One might believe that at least the thought of possibly ending up in legal trouble would make people think twice before lying about their STD, but as the study indicates, laws cannot control all behavior.
I would like to say that in general I am having the same “oh my goodness” reaction that most of the commenter’s are having about the statistics, but I can not say I am shocked one bit. We live in a society where lying is norm for the main stream. (There is a new Adam Sandler movie about just this. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1564367/ ) To expect to see any difference in society is asinine. I cannot tell you how many countless times (as some of you have talked about) I have fallen victim to “sexual identify fraud”. Either as someone has lied about their sexual history, or has lied about their relationship status. I am also no angel. I have used the “you’re the best” line my self, and to think on that, I really do feel as others have indicated that these responses are a product of our sex filled mainstream media. Where big business determines what is sexy, and our collective still 50’s mentality about monogamy, and sexual deviance. If we as a society could move past what others (big business, religious figures, teachers, friends) tell us is acceptable in a sexual capacity, and just trust in your self to make good judgment calls we could all be much happier. GO with your partner to gets HIV/ STD tested every 6 months, be honest about your sexual history, try new things. Our society is driven by sex, but yet has put oppressive roadblocks for us by devaluing vast sexual histories. After reading Dr. Marelich and partners research, http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_1_45/ai_n24383383/?tag=content;col1, I find my self again in the midst of lying because of sexual repression. College students lying about valuing a person just to have sex with them, saying they are free of disease to have sex, and lying about relationship status to have sex was very disheartening. If college students can not be honest about having sex, and not feel bad for experimenting, who can?, but again it brings us again to the top where the big guys lay. Expecting us to all be these sexually hungry dominate, yet monogamous and fairly innocent creatures. I will leave you with this video by Amanda Palmer, she is a feminist pansexual atheist who is rallying the troops to take back their bodies and their sexuality. In this video she calls for all women to take back their bodies and embrace their bush, and in turn the rest of their natural bodies...www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcoreV10hI8&feature=player_embedded.
As many students have said before, this is not very surprising issue. I mean many people lie about their sexual experiences, attitudes, and health. I actually thought the numbers were higher than 92%. After reading this article I realized I am actually part of this 92%, and so are my other 3 roommates. After having conversations about this article with my roommates I realized we have all lied to our partners to make them feel better about themselves. All 4 of us have lied to them assuring that the sex was good or have said we experienced an orgasm when we did not. It might sounds bad, but our answers were the same “I did not want to lose him”. Well we end up losing them later for different reasons anyways. We know it feels good to hear we are good at it. But I rather hear the truth than a lie, this way people can improve in their sexual life. On the other hand, something that surprised me was that people lie about having a STD. I think lying about that is not only wrong but very disrespectful to the other person. Also, I was face to face with a liar not long ago. After hanging out like two times with this really cute guy, he said he liked me. When I came over to his apt all he wanted to do was to hook up. I gave an excuse and left. He would text me calling me babe and saying he really cared about me. However, if I would not come over to see him, he would be very short with me. On day I confronted him and asked if all he wanted was to hook up, his answer was no and once again told me liked me and wanted to get to know me better. I then told him that things would not happen so fast, and he would have to wait. Well, guess what? He never talked to me again. After reading this article all I could think about was this experience I had. I wonder how many girls actually believed he like them and after he got what he wanted he disappeared. I am glad I was not one of them. I believe many college students have lied about sex at least once. However you know things have gone too far when the lies become frequent and actually affect the partner’s sexual life or even their own. I believe that as people become older and more mature lying about sex is not necessary anymore. Or maybe the lies are not as frequent.
I found this research to be somewhat surprising as well as scary. The fact that so many people lie about their sexual history to partners is not safe. However, I was not surprised by the fact that more men lied to women because they wanted to have sex with them. I believe both men and women do this, but I have seen and heard about it happening much more often to woman. I also found the results from Marelich, Lundquist, Painter, and Mechanic (2008) study interesting about the gender differences in deception. The fact that more women were trying to avoid confrontation kind of goes along with what people would assume. In our textbook it discusses how women need more of an emotional connection from a relationship, they may be attempting to not disrupt this and so they may be having sex to avoid upsetting their partner. The results for men in their study also were not surprising. I think that men would go to much greater lengths to get someone to sleep with them than women. I was a little surprised to read that they would actually go as far as telling someone they love them just to sleep with them.
I found Kaylee's comments to be very interesting and definitely agree with her about women being faced with a double standard when it comes to sexuality. Women are expected to be sexy and we are portrayed as sexual “objects” (for lack of a better word) but yet we are also expected to be pure and innocent. I think this could definitely cause some women to consider lying about their sexual history. Society puts horrible labels to women who have experimented sexually, and I think this makes it more difficult for women to be open about sex.
Jason made a good point about not telling your partner if you have a STD or saying you are on birth control when you are not. These two things can lead to major problems for many people. Playing games goes both ways for men and women. Using the lines "I Love You!" just to get them in bed is not right. You start to mess with people's emotions and you could really hurt a person. I feel that you should tell your partner the truth from the start and if they don't "run" then the relationship will be good.
Sadly, these findings are not surprising to me. i feel that individuals will say anything to get someone to have sex with them. i agree that men will do more deceitful acts to get someone into bed, where as women will do more deceitful acts to keep someone happy who is already involved. in any case both of these are sad scenarios, and they are much too common. it endangers all parties, and may have a large impact on the transmission of STDs and HIV. These diseases are becoming a huge issue in our society again and to have people trusting potential partners too greatly is putting them at risk. This blog is a testament that we are our only and our strongest advocates for our own well being. It's the line "just when you think you know somebody", this rings true in many cases. It sounds cynical to say it, but when it comes to our sexual health we can trust no one but ourselves, because people will do and say anything to get someone into bed.
I am not surprised by these findings about people lying when it comes to sex. I have known people who have lied so that they can have sex with someone of have lied about having sex with someone to avoid the consequences. There are two parts of these lies that are disturbing for me. One would be lying about an STI or STD. Passing on a disease to a sexual partner without their knowledge can have serious effects. Not only could the relationship end when the partner finds out about contracting a disease that their partner was aware of but the effects of the disease are also difficult to handle. Sometimes it can be painful, sometimes it is something that the person now carries for life, and if some STDs such as chlamydia go untreated in females it can lead to infertility. Another part that is troubling to me is when someone is in a relationship and has sex with someone else without telling their partner, and then there can also be negative consequences. When the infidelity is revealed often the relationship is over. The person who was cheated on could now be exposed to disease and has to deal with the emotional effects of being cheated on. I think that it is important for people to understand that lying about your sexual history is normal and that it is nobody’s business but your own. When you have sexual relations with another person then their sexual history is your business and your sexual history is their business. You have a right to know what you are getting yourself into so that you are making an informed choice before having sex with another person.
I think people lie about the number of sexual partners they’ve been with for two reasons: 1.) to save face so they don’t look like a slut….particularly for girls and 2.) So that your potential partner doesn’t think less of you and then not want to continue with the relationship if they think your “disgusting” for being with a lot of people. I think it's okay to “fib” a little on how many, but I also feel that if you’ve been with several people and you got an STD from that behavior, you need to own up to that and let me know so I can take steps to protect myself. I don’t want to get an STD because you lied and said you were a virgin and the reality is you been with 50 people. No one should have to suffer because others weren't being honest. I realize it may be embarrassing to say you been with so many people, but don’t put someone else at risk because you think they’ll label you a certain way. Just own your mistakes and tell the truth and if someone doesn't want to be with you after that then find another who does.
Speaking from a female point of view, I think that women lie more often about the number of sexual partners because of the double standard. Women are expected to be less interested in sex and more chaste. Therefore it is almost an insult to a male partner to tell him you, as a woman, have had more partners. Women may lie to protect themselves from ridicule but they may also lie to protect the man’s ego. Men may lie in a different way; they lie to increase the number of partners so that they might seem more virile. Societal norms project men as needing to “sew their oats”; it is much more acceptable, and almost expected. I have heard that women subtract 5 from and men add 5 to the actual number of sexual partners they have had.
Now to address lying about orgasm it seems that many people are unaware of the female anatomy. In class discussions about the female body and throughout the film “The Clitoris” light was shed on the difference between the vulva and the vagina. In addition, we learned that the vagina has few nerves (presumably to make child birth tolerable) while the clitoris contains the most nerves of any sex organ and extends up into the body. In the movie they also addressed the lack of information on female anatomy in medical journals, as if it is a secret not to be discussed. Consequently, very few people understand the female anatomy. Then you have images portrayed through the media. All we see through the media is wonderfully orgasmic firework producing penile-vaginal sex. Then how can women not all pretend to experience orgasm? We want to be normal. That’s what everyone else is experiencing right? There is also pressure to experience vaginal orgasm because it was determined by Freud to be the grown up way to orgasm, a myth which is still around today. That leaves us to believe that the clitoral orgasm is not good enough putting further pressure on everyone male and female. If you cannot induce or perform a vaginal orgasm then you must not be a good lover. So to protect everyone’s feelings let us just lie.
Like many of the other people who have commented I did not find these findings surprising. Being 22, I encounter stories of deceptions like the examples in the blog all too often. It isn’t abnormal to hear a story about someone lying to get into bed with another person, I think the biggest lie that is told is how many partners that person has been with. Although, this lie is probably one of the least harmless it can still have an emotional impact on the person that has been lied to. The biggest emotional lie that a person could tell is that they love the other person. Love means something different for every individual, when you say I love you to someone to get them into bed they may be thinking and feeling something completely different than you are. There are all also lies and deceptions that can have lifelong physical damage. Not telling someone about an STD you have or possibly HIV could cost them their life. Along with potentially physically changing someone’s life, it could also ruin their future with any other partner. If a female is lied to about an STD it could ruin their chances of having children later in life with someone they truly love. Lastly, I think that it is a large misconception that it is men lying to women in every situation. Women are also accountable for deceiving men, I have heard storied where women get the man drunk and taking advantage of him to get back at another women. Too many people think that it is always the woman that is being taken advantage of but in many scenarios it is both people that are being deceitful to each other. I don’t think that people are going to stop telling these lies; I think if more people are aware of the implications, they may think twice before they tell someone else a lie when involving sex.
The statistics about how many partners lie in a relationship is not surprising to me, in fact that I have seen from firsthand experience a partner using self-serving deception. My brother is a fairly wealthy doctor, and he got into a relationship really fast with a woman whom no one in our family was particularly fond of. They got married and one day my brother wanted to surprise her by coming home early to make her dinner instead of her making dinner for him. When he got home she was there, and when he walked in the door he heard her on the phone talking and over her say, “the only good part about marring him and having to have sex with him is all the nice things he provides for me.” This statement set my brother off, they ended up getting a divorce because he did not really love him and only liked the material things that she was getting out of the relationship, which is a self-serving deception.
I can see how women would use sexual interactions in order to avoid confrontation. Women are prone to wanting to please their partner in order to keep the relationship alive, and if sexual intercourse will help deepen the man’s commitment to the romantic relationship, a woman will do whatever it takes. One of women’s incentives in engaging in sexual behavior is to show please for one’s partner; therefore the man is able to feel valued within the relationship. This would also help increase a man’s commitment for the romantic relationship. As you can see throughout this paragraph that women tend to use long-term sexual strategies, which general includes this type of deception in order to keep the relationship maintaining.
I agree that the findings are not surprising. However I have experienced some different reasons for past deception. I know someone who has been in a relationship for 5 years now. She has had past issues with her boyfriends and yeah these lines of deception were followed. He told her that he had never been with anyone else. A few years down the road he told her that he had been with one other girl but didn’t want to let her know because he thought she would leave him. Still to this day he “cheats” on her and when she finds out he blames it on his friends. He says that his friends encouraged him to do it. I think that this relationship is supports the sexual strategies theory. It seems as if the boyfriend wants to seek a long-term relationship with her, but still tries to focus on short-term relationships. She continues to stay with the man, either because she doesn’t see the lies or because there is something that she sees in him that she wants for her offspring. One also could argue this could represent other spectrum, Brehms theory of love. Both the male and female love each other, but the man’s desire for love is damaging the relationships so much that he seeks sex outside of the relationship. Deception would be a tool that the man uses to hold onto the girl that he loves while he seeks to fulfill his sexual desires.
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