Most individuals enter into relationships and marriages assuming–probably hoping and praying–that their’s will be one of the fortunate ones that will survive–not just survive, but flourish and provide them with endless enjoyment and fulfillment. Some, if not many, probably worry, secretly or otherwise, however that the relationship will not live up to their dreams, and they will be trapped in a tortuous, conflict-riddled marriage or maybe a dull, boring shell of a relationship. You’ve probably heard of a spouse being referred to as “the ol’ ball and chain”. Possibly, this is where the experience of getting “cold feet” right before a wedding comes from for some people (social psychologists refer to this as post-decisional regret).
Yet, is boredom with one’s marriage really an important factor in unhappiness later in the relationship? Irene Tsapelas, Arthur Aron, and Terri Orbuch (2009) examined this issue in a recent study published in the prestigious journal of the Association for Psychological Science, Psychological Science (you may remember that Aron, along with Elaine Aron, developed the model of love and sex employed in Chapter 9 of the textbook). They note that most research on romantic relationships and marriage has concentrated on reducing conflict and tension; these are the types of issues that couples are likely to seek counseling from therapists for.
However, Tsapelas and her colleagues observe that research based on the general public–rather than research based only on troubled couples seeking professional help–has identified the lack of excitement in relationships as another important problem. They conducted a very well-designed study to test the hypothesis that boredom actually predicts less satisfaction in a marriage 9 years later. The manner in which they conducted the study strongly suggests that earlier boredom is a forerunner of later marital dissatisfaction.
Earlier theory by Aron and Aron (1986) proposed that the closeness of the couple is an important factor in relationship quality. In the initial stages of a relationship, excitement is hypothesized to result from rapid development of closeness, or intimacy, within the relationship. Yet, the development of closeness typically can be expected to wane as the individuals become more intimate and achieve a high level of closeness. Consequently, closeness is a third factor that Tsapelas and her colleagues took into account. If excitement declines, closeness can be expected to decrease as well, negatively affecting the quality of the marriage as reflected in the level of dissatisfaction.
One strong point of the study is that the researchers obtained responses from 123 married couples as they applied for marriage licenses in the Detroit area; this is a relatively large number of participants, which strengthens confidence that the results are reliable (this means that similar results are likely to be found with a second group of couples that is at least this large). Another important issue is that the same group of couples were followed over a 16-year period, making this a longitudinal study. Such a technique allows researchers to get an idea of how earlier factors (e.g., boredom and lack of excitement) contribute to later outcomes (e.g., relationship satisfaction); the logic is that, if a condition precedes an outcome, and the two are statistically correlated, then the proposal that the early factor influenced the later outcome is credible.
The couples were invited to participate in the study if they were entering their first marriage, were of the same race, and the wife was younger than 35 years. All Black American couples who met these criteria and a random sample of eligible White American couples were invited to participate; 66% consented. At the end of the first year of marriage (Year 1), the wives were on average 23.93 years old and the husbands were 26.38 years old.
The couples responded to questionnaires 7 years into their marriage (Year 7), and then again after being married 16 years (Year 16). Boredom was measured using the rating, “During the past month, how often did you feel that your marriage was in a rut (or getting in a rut), that you do the same thing all the time and rarely get to do exciting things together as a couple?” (Often, sometimes, rarely, never). Satisfaction was measured with the rating, “All in all, how satisfied are you with your marriage?” (Very satisfied, somewhat satisfied, somewhat dissatisfied, very dissatisfied). A third factor, closeness, was measured by having participants select one of seven pairs of circles that overlapped to varying degrees to indicate the one that best described their marriage (greater overlap of two circles represented greater closeness in the marriage).
The results revealed that boredom measured at Year 7 was related to less marital satisfaction in Year 16, as the researchers had expected based on Aron and Aron’s theory. Beyond this, also as expected, Year 7 boredom had an effect on Year 16 satisfaction by way of its negative effect on closeness at Year 16 (that is, Year 7 boredom was negatively associated with Year 16 closeness). This means that boredom earlier in a relationship likely chips away at the sense of closeness between the individuals over time, leading them to become less satisfied as a consequence. However, dissatisfaction at Year 7 was not associated with greater boredom in Year 16, which strongly indicates that it is boredom that affects satisfaction over time, rather than satisfaction affecting boredom.
(By the way, the researchers statistically controlled for a number of possible complicating factors in looking at the relationship between Year 7 boredom and Year 16 closeness and satisfaction. These were level of satisfaction in Year 7, amount of tension and conflict in Year 7, race, gender, and whether the husband or the wife reported the information. This means that these factors cannot be considered influences on the boredom-closeness-satisfaction findings.)
Logically, increases in closeness and intimacy cannot be expected to continue to provide excitement and intrigue in later years of marriage, because eventually couples will become as familiar and close as is possible. So, what might account for some couples being able to maintain or increase closeness over time such that satisfaction remains at high levels? Some couples in fact did not become bored, instead maintaining their sense of closeness to one another into the sixteenth year of marriage. Tsapelas and her colleagues point to research that demonstrates that generating excitement in other ways such as engaging in novel and challenging activities together, as a couple, can spark renewed interest in the marriage. The excitement of the stimulating activities can become associated with relationship, keeping it vibrant and stimulating.
This suggests that marriage counseling should focus not only on coping with conflicts and negative emotions. It should also provide strategies for increasing the positive experiences in relationships. Sharing the spice of life may provide that needed spark to marriage and romantic relationships.
Aron, A., & Aron, E. (1986). Love and the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. New York: Hemisphere.
Tsapelas, I., Aron, A., & Orbuch, T. (2009). Marital boredom now predicts less satisfaction 9 years later. Psychological Science, 20, 543-545.
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76 comments:
I felt that this particular piece was very informative and I learnt a great deal from it. In hindsight much of the information presented seems to be rather counterintuitive. It only seems logical that two people throughout the course of their relationship will reach a point where they are as close and intimate as two people can ever be. I do feel that to reach this point of closeness and intimacy in a relationship should not be a rush, but a journey that should be enjoyed and cherished.
Through the study by Tsapelas, Aron, & Orbuch they were able to give empirical proof that the theory by Aron and Aron that marital boredom early on in relationships is a significant predictor for dissatisfaction later on. Knowing this information, it is therefore very important for couples to recognize the importance of keeping the relationship alive and avoid monotony at all costs. In order to prevent boredom from surfacing in a relationship it will require a great deal of work, because it requires a lot of energy.
The final piece of this puzzle in my opinion then is to engage in discussions and activities that will prevent boredom in a relationship. This can encompass a wide range of activities whether they are sexual or not. Nevertheless, this is information that young couples should take heed off in order to prevent their marriage from becoming another failure as so many do in today’s society.
Although I am yet to be married, I am in a relationship and this article really got to me because one of the problems in my current relationships is in fact boredom. My current boyfriend and I have dated on and off for 6 and a half years, so it is only natural that by now we are extremely comfortable and even predictable. One of the things I think is important, not only in a marraige but in any relationship is to maintain that youthful flirtatiousness. My parents have been married 23 years. They are complete opposites and don't have any activies they do together, like hobbies, and yet I know the reason why they are so happy together to this day is because they still flirt and laugh and tease like they're teenagers! I think it is only natural to become extremely close to your significant other. But the key to not becoming bored is to find that person who can flirt with you and make you feel excited regardless of the activity you're doing, or how much time has gone by. I think that couples that last are couples that will try new things too and who are willing to work through anything together, even the boredom.
The approach to go after people who did not say they had marital problems is a good approach. This is because while conflict and tension can cause the partners to in a way resent each other and this can cause big problems in the marriage. If big problems occur the people are not happy with the marriage. Now people with that problem in their marriage may go to counseling because it is a very obvious reason for dissatisfaction with one's marriage. However things such as boredom as a problem may not be as easily identified.
Boredom seems like a reasonable cause for marital dissatisfaction because for example when a person gets bored with something they go on to something new or don't use it as much anymore. It can also cause a person to question why they committed themselves to the relationship and if it was a good choice. As with any task one that is exciting is engaging and the person doing the task is happy to do it. If it is boring it is monotonous and a person has to be forced to do the task.
The presented study gives a correlation between boredom and dissatisfaction with marriage. However a correlation is not a cause. By the previous paragraph it seems fairly reasonable that in fact boredom can be a direct cause of marital dissatisfaction.
The suggested ways to eliminate boredom are good. Challenging activities are stimulating and when done with one's partner it can make them feel closer. Possibly this is why the most romantic moments are the most surprising.
I learned a lot from this article. Right now I have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 months and although we do not get that bored with each other, in high school I dated a guy for 2 1/2 years and we became very predictable and at times boring. I think that once people have been together for so long they are as close intimately, physically, and emotionally that they can be so naturally the only thing to do at that point is to drift apart a bit.
For the fact of boredom I think there are things that couples can do to try and not experience boredom with each other. So many times couples do the same things week after week but if they would just try something new together, maybe something a little dangerous, i believe it will bring them closer together because they got through it together. I have read a lot of articles about how trying something like white water rafting or rock climbing together can strengthen a relationship after you conquer it together. Relationships are hard, so you have to work at every aspect of them to make them work and stay fresh and exciting
For me, this article was really interesting. I just got out of a pretty serious three year relationship. Because we are both in school, most of those three years were spent two-three hours apart (except summers). I know that we both felt bored throughout our relationship because it was pretty much the same thing every day. We each had our own busy lives during the day and we would talk on the phone about the same time every night. When he came home to visit, we often went out to eat and to a movie, or watched TV, or hung out with our families. We were both making ourselves be okay with this during the year, because summers were not boring (although we did much of the same activities).
I feel like this article makes a lot of sense. If you are feeling bored early on in the relationship it is likely to only get worse if the couple doesn't realize it and be proactive. I was willing to put up with boredom, because I felt like if we got married in the long run it wouldn't be boring anymore. However, I never actually thought about what I could do to make the situation not be boring, or how I was going to accomplish that in the future.
Often, when people get bored with something they put it down and move on. We find something else to do that is more entertaining or worth our time or we find a new way to make the boring object not boring. I wonder why we don't do this as much with relationships.
I'm definitely that person who hopes my marriage is the one that lasts. Naturally, excitement is inevitable when you have first met someone and are falling in love. Eventually you do get close and comfortable with that person. It makes sense that at some point, how could you be any closer to that person? This article inspires me to want to look for ways to become closer and stronger as a couple. Ways for both people to stay head over heels in love until they are eighty regardless of the monotony experienced in everyday life. This article raises a good point: People need to be proactive if they are feeling in a rut. If BOTH individuals want their marriage to work, it’s about making sacrifices and comprises and doing whatever it takes to rekindle what they may have lost.
I feel sad for the couples mentioned in the book who were unhappy with the state of things at seven years and let their relationship progressively degenerate for the next nine. I feel like the main point of this article to motivate people who feel "in a rut" to get off their butts and put some work into getting their relationships back onto the right track!
I thought this was an extremely thought provoking blog entry about maintaining the closeness, excitation, and satisfaction in a marriage. I guess that I had never actually considered that leading a somewhat boring lifestyle could decrease the closeness and satisfaction within a marriage. My expectation had always been that if two people loved each other enough they would grow infinitely close. I have experienced, through my Grandparents relationship of well over 50 years, that although there is still love and devotion, passion, excitement, and happiness can fade. My Grandparents lead a relatively dull life. They do the same things every day, and besides the mild excitement that their children and grandchildren bring. Now reading this blog, it makes me wonder if they did more stimulating activities, would their marriage be even stronger and more satisfactory for the both of them.
With this new information, it brings to question the marriages of ancient times. There were not nearly as many divorces or separations in marriages then, but were they happy and satisfied? There was not as many exciting activities for couples to participate in or the opportunity to do such activities. I wonder if the marriage could still be just as strong and satisfying. Since divorce or separation was such a stigma in religion and society, the marriage could have been extremely unhealthy and dissatisfying.
Reading this article was extremely enticing to me. The study Tsapelas, Aron, & Orbuch conducted is something many people often find themselves wrapped up in when it comes to a marriage. Today, with the divorce rate being as high as it is, one can only hope for a lasting marriage. It almost seems as though today, people enter a marriage and just expect for it to fail. This can be an important factor contributing to why a relationship often gets too "boring". It is only natural for an individual to get bored with doing the same things from day to day. This is why it is so important for the relationship's health to keep things "fresh" and impelling.
I completely agree with seeking marriage counseling not only in difficult or negative times, but also to keep the relationship exciting and fun! My parents have been married for 27 years and continue to have a strong relationship with one another. I think that growing up around this will only help me personally in a relationship that may lead to marriage in the future.
This article seems to get at a fundamental problem concerning the personal relationships of couples. The initial excitement of getting to know someone new does oftentimes seem to lead to much more. I have personally seen a lot of people who, not knowing one another well, get into relationships over their heads, thinking that the passion will last. In many cases these sorts of relationships seem to crash and burn pretty quickly, creating a lot of hostility between certain individuals. As the article points out, the excitement of newness will not last, and when it goes away, two people can be left with the realization that they really do not know one another at all. This is why I think that it is so important for people who are in a serious relationship to know one another on more than one level.
The article uses the term “sharing the spice of life” as an important aspect in maintaining a healthy relationship. In this way, it seems important for a couple to not only live together, idling their days away, only coming to know one another on the surface level, but to actually share their experiences with one another. In order to achieve, and maintain, a healthy relationship it is important for a couple to continuously attempt to better understand one another. Of course, by this I don’t mean that they have to be around one another constantly. In any case, it seems to me that a playful sort of love towards one another, beyond the level of physical passion, but also including it, is important in a relationship.
I found this study and piece very interesting and logical. I think that anymore we just assume that if a marriage is in trouble it is because of a specific conflict or tension. This post made me realize that is not necessarily the case; probably more often than not a boredom between the two people is the cause (and the boredom itself could lead to conflict as it could lead people to be more irritable). To me it seems perfectly logical that boredom would set when you no longer have anything new to learn about the other person.
To me this only enhances the idea that for a relationship to be successful there needs to a sense of friendship as well. According to this study, the idea that opposites attract does not seem as appealing to me; you may be attracted at first but if you have absolutely nothing in common, it could cause trouble later on in the relationship. You should probably be with a person that enjoys at least some of the same things you do or at least someone who you know will try something new with you when the boredom does set in.
I think this study definitely showed that marriage counseling should be re-evaluated and ideas to combat boredom should be incorporated.
The longitudinal study that was conducted by the researchers was very interesting. The fact that they were very selective about the couples they chose helps diminish the cohort effects. I don’t think that they diminished all the cohort effects completely because they allowed the wives to be 35 years and younger. There is a big difference between a 20 year old woman in her first marriage experience and a 35 years old woman in her first marriage experience. I think that the women are in different stage of their lives. The 30 something woman is at a different point financially and in her career. Both the women were raised in different times, so their ideas of marriage could be different.
Despite these possible effects, the results of this study provided a deeper understanding of what couples in trouble can do to help their marriage. I really enjoyed this article because I am in my seventh year of marriage. I agree with the outcome of this study. I think that it is easy to get bored in a marriage and that marriage takes a lot of work. I also think that these failed marriages happen because people get bored with their life and themselves. My husband and I have had an interesting marriage and there hasn’t been a moment of boredom. We have set in a bunker holding hands on the first day of the war in Iraqi. We lost our first real home to hurricane Katrina and had to struggle to pick up the pieces. We have had a beautiful little girl who is the perfect mixture of us both. What I am trying to say is that life has kept us together. Sometimes people lives have become dull and boring and things just fall apart. They may be unhappy about their career or wish they would have done something else. Sometimes trouble in a marriage is only the icing on the cake because there are even deeper problems within the individual.
I agree with the researchers on the point that excitement of stimulating activities can become associated with the relationship and keep it vibrant and stimulating. My husband and I are very active, so we keep things moving forward.
The article also addressed the fact that some people reach their peak of intimacy and closeness. I don’t agree completely with the fact that you can only become so close or intimate. I am certainly not the woman my husband married. I am constantly changing and evolving as a person. I feel like there is still so much about my husband I haven’t learned. I hope that this research will help troubled couples and will also help couples who are just looking for ways to keep things new and exciting.
I read the article titled “When the Bloom is Off the Rose: Is Marital Disenchantment Inevitable?” The longitudinal study that was conducted by the researchers was very interesting. The fact that they were very selective about the couples they chose helps diminish the cohort effects. I don’t think that they diminished all the cohort effects completely because they allowed the wives to be 35 years and younger. There is a big difference between a 20 year old woman in her first marriage experience and a 35 years old woman in her first marriage experience. I think that the women are in different stage of their lives. The 30 something woman is at a different point financially and in her career. Both the women were raised in different times, so their ideas of marriage could be different.
Despite these possible effects, the results of this study provided a deeper understanding of what couples in trouble can do to help their marriage. I really enjoyed this article because I am in my seventh year of marriage. I agree with the outcome of this study. I think that it is easy to get bored in a marriage and that marriage takes a lot of work. I also think that these failed marriages happen because people get bored with their life and themselves. My husband and I have had an interesting marriage and there hasn’t been a moment of boredom. We have set in a bunker holding hands on the first day of the war in Iraqi. We lost our first real home to hurricane Katrina and had to struggle to pick up the pieces. We have had a beautiful little girl who is the perfect mixture of us both. What I am trying to say is that life has kept us together. Sometimes people lives have become dull and boring and things just fall apart. They may be unhappy about their career or wish they would have done something else. Sometimes trouble in a marriage is only the icing on the cake because there are even deeper problems within the individual.
I agree with the researchers on the point that excitement of stimulating activities can become associated with the relationship and keep it vibrant and stimulating. My husband and I are very active, so we keep things moving forward.
The article also addressed the fact that some people reach their peak of intimacy and closeness. I don’t agree completely with the fact that you can only become so close or intimate. I am certainly not the woman my husband married. I am constantly changing and evolving as a person. I feel like there is still so much about my husband I haven’t learned. I hope that this research will help troubled couples and will also help couples who are just looking for ways to keep things new and exciting.
I believe that the reason that counseling sessions focus so much on tensions and anger issues is because by the time people seek help they are at the point where the resentment has built up to a level where they have to resolve heated topics first. I don't think that I am an expert on relationships, but I have been in a few long term relationships that have failed. The problem I found was that resentment and holding a grudge after arguements were powerful catalysts to the end of relationships.
The level of boredom is no doubt a strong factor because of people's need for new experiences. The study shows a link to boredom and happiness, but I am still not convinced that there aren't many more reasons that lead to marital happiness. People are extremely complicated and so are relationships. I feel that the study oversimplifies the issue, but it would be worth a shot for a marriage counselor to try techniques to relieve boredom more than to focus on disagreements and see if a couple's marital quality improves, and how much.
I personally think that excitement in a marriage will improve your marriage and the way you feel about one another. I know, personally, of couples that rarely do anything together, or anything without eachother. The couples do not participate in any activities. These couples are having problems with their relationship and are unhappy. On the other hand, I know of couples who are constantly doing things together, as well as having activities they do without eachother. These couples are very satisfied with their relationship and in love with each other. I know that in my marriage, we are both very busy and have a toddler. I know that I, personally dont have the time, much less energy most of the time to go out and spend time doing something together. But, I do know that it greatly helps our relationship when we do find the time to spend together, whether it be go to a movie, take a ride on the motorcycle, flirt with eachother, or simply cuddle. I know that doing these things, atleast increases my satisfaction with my relationship. There is no doubt that we are deeply in love with eachother, but sometimes it takes more than simply love to keep a happy marriage.
I find the research experiment that was conducted in this article to be very interesting. It makes a good argument and seems to be very logical. It seems logical to think that boredom would eventually weigh in on dissatisfaction later on in the marriage. I think it would be interesting to know the rate of divorce in the couples that were studied. There were couples that showed that they were unsatisfied, but how many went on to continue to push through the dissatisfaction? Also, I would want to know if after the 16 years of marriage, if boredom was dramatically decreased and excitement was brought back into the relationship to a peak just to save the marriage and or relationship. This article poses an uncertain definition of boredom to me. What exactly would be the extent of “boredom” to cause the satisfaction of a relationship or marriage to decrease over time? I also wonder about the tough subject of the boredom theory and if any of the couples went outside the relationship for excitement, and if they did, did it make their personal satisfaction with their relationship decrease anymore?
I thought the study performed by Irene Tsapelas and her colleagues was very interesting . To prevent boredom in a marriage I think it is important for the couple to find creative activities to help remain close and satisfied. I am not married, I would think it would be difficult to be with the same person without feeling some type of boredom. However, my parents have been married for 30 years and always seemed to enjoy each other's company. I think they remain so close because they do things together that they both enjoy, like going out on the lake or antique shopping.
Also, I think marriage counseling should definitely focus on positive strategies to increase positive experiences in addition coping to conflict. A marriage without positive experiences is unfair to both partners and would make life pretty dull.
I agree with Kayla Crance’s posting, I do not think people realize when they get married that boredom is going to affect their marriage. Friendship is one of the best reinforcements for a marriage and allows partners to share feelings and experiences together. I also think it is important to be with someone who enjoys doing some of the things you do, otherwise you may end up doing a lot alone.
Married couples that are drifting apart from boredom should definitely seek counseling if they are still hoping for a successful life together.
This was a very interesting article, but seemed to present information that should be common knowledge for some, especially those of us who are married. I have been married for 5 ½ years, together with my husband for nearly 10. It seems to be a given, if you’re mature enough to realize it, that the excitement in a relationship will differ from what you felt in the beginning when closeness was being established to years down the road when you’re in a married life where routine takes over. It’s very interesting to me that boredom directly relates to satisfaction later in the marriage, but that it does not necessarily go the other way around. I would assume that less satisfaction would lead to boredom, but the research done did not support that, which is an interesting point to note. Research points out couples seeking counseling should be guided not only in conflict resolution but in how to engage each other and keep boredom at bay. Research suggested doing new things together will bring the excitement of being spontaneous and out of the normal routine rut a couple gets into, and that excitement can be translated into a renewed closeness for the couple. Very good information for married couples to know or be reminded of!
I found this article to be very interesting. I have heard the terminology, “cold feet” and have experienced it several times for several different reasons, but I had never before heard the term “post-decisional regret.” I really like that terminology. I enjoy learning that there are deeper explanations to the things which I experience first hand.
Personally, I have been married three times with in a 15 year period. My first and third husbands are actually one in the same, hence my relating to the “post-decisional regret.” My second marriage (lasting one day shy of 8 months, including the divorce proceedings) occurred as a result of his bullying and the left over insecurities from the first divorce. It fell apart because there were abusive behaviors forming quickly and I wanted no part of that! Again, my being able to relate to the previous terminology. Now, back to the first marriage and it’s correlation to this article…
I agree completely in the statement that “….reducing conflict and tension; these are the types of issues that couples are likely to seek counseling from therapists for.” Counseling during my first marriage and the counseling we sought before remarrying was for these exact same reasons! Subsequently, I thoroughly agree with the statement at the very end of this article which says that “….this suggest that marriage counseling should focus not only on coping with conflicts and negative emotions. It should also provide strategies for increasing the positive experiences in relationships.” Because our previous counseling was that of the former and not the latter, we are already having some of the same problems which occurred in the first marriage, but those that were not experienced during the re-courting phase of our relationship! The “honeymoon stage,” the no boredom and complete satisfaction part of an early relationship that we all experience, was back for both of us. Even with his job, my schooling, and our children, we were excited about being together and couldn’t wait to share with one another the events and thoughts of our days. Communication was key in the dating stage. Sharing the same activities wasn’t necessary, but we tried harder to support one another in those separate activities. This emotional closeness most definitely assisted in the physical intimacy of our relationship. I felt like we were young and “in love” again like we had been 16 years ago.
Now, not so much. I am bored. I am not at all satisfied, in any fashion. There is no emotional closeness and no physical intimacy whatsoever. How does it happen so fast? Why do we allow for every day struggles, money issues, and child rearing to tear our focus away from these, seemingly at one time, all encompassing moments? I believe that emotional closeness for most women is intertwined with their ability to be physically intimate, where as for most men, it’s the other way around. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way it is. We need to work harder to fill the needs of the other and in jointly doing so, we will have our own needs met. However, I believe through my own experience that the longer we are away from that perspective, the harder it becomes to get back to it. As a result, the marriage becomes stagnant and both parties are left to wonder why they found one another so enticing in the first place. It’s disheartening, frustrating, and to me, it does seem inevitable.
I feel that the study was only providing actual empirical evidence for what many of us already know. I am divorced and have also recently remarried. Through my experience, I have seen how boredom leads to dissatisfaction because if you are bored you are generally unhappy. It takes effort to maintain that excitement and intrigue. A stale relationship can lead to unfaithfulness and conflict and tension so it is important to take preventative measures such as counseling or just spending time talking about the situation with your significant other. Communication is the most important aspect of a good relationship. The newness eventually wears off and you must truly love the person for the relationship to work.
I found this particular article to be very practical and informative. The study that was done provided relevant information for couples today. It looked at how couples over time in their marriage will reach a point where they experience boredom as well as how they may become predictable over a period of time.
The part of the article that discussed how some couples are able to maintain happiness and satisfaction over the years by trying new things together was relevant. I believe when this study proposed this research they hit the nail on the head. Although over time things in the bedroom may not be as fun or interesting as they once where by stimulating yourself with your partner to new activities this can be helpful for a relationship. These new experiences can take the place of a new stimulating experience. I feel that another important part in a relationship is being able to keep your partner interested. This is done over the course of the relationship by doing little things for that other person that shows them you care. I believe that boredom comes along in couples when they just get comfortable and no longer feel like they need to “impress” the other person.
This topic in general is very interesting me. Having been in my own relationship for over two years it is interesting to read about what changes will most likely take place down the road. In any relationship I believe that couples will always show, at least to some extent, boredom and less satisfaction over time. I also believe that although couples can sometimes delay and block out boredom in their relationships for periods of time by mixing things up and creating more exciting situations, it is inevitable that there will be periods of boredom, especially in the latter parts of the relationship. In my own relationship things have became a little boring and even monotonous at times, however I do not feel that this has made us any less compatible or more likely to have a bad relationship in the future. I guess I'll have to report back in 7 years...
As for the idea of marriage counseling, I do feel that more effective approaches need to be considered. Anger issues and fighting in couples seem to be just as likely to stem from boredom as they are to come from other issues that the counselors usually address. It is important for the counselors to be sure of the roots of the fights in a marriage before giving advice, because if the only problem is boredom, the solution will differ greatly than if it is from a deeper issue within one or both of the spouses.
The study by Tsapelas, Aron, and Orbuch that presents the idea that boredom and marital dissatisfaction has a correlation from the seventh year to the sixteenth year is a good piece of information to know if you are married or are planning on getting married. By knowing this information, you could prevent dissatisfaction from occurring if you attempt to avoid monotony in your marriage. Although the study points out that after a period of time, two people will become as close and intimate as they ever will be, the study presents a challenge to the readers to find activities that keep the marriage interesting.
I am currently in a relationship, and occasionally I feel bored. However, I always make attempts to do new and interesting things. My last suggestion, for example, was to go to an art museum. I have also mentioned sky diving as something I would like to try with my partner. I find that just the thought of doing something like this with my partner brings us closer together. We enjoy talking about exciting plans.
Even though the study suggests that boredom in the seventh year was related to marital dissatisfaction in the 16th year, I would like to know whether or not the couple was satisfied when they were together for the first year. Some couples get married simply because it is the right time or because of pressure from their family or even because their biological clock is running out.
I think that Tsapelas’ research is not only enlightening but needed. It reveals that lack of conflict is not the only factor that leads to a satisfactory marriage. When considering a relationship completely void of any conflict, it seems boring already. It makes sense that excitement generating from participation in enjoyable activities is necessary to drive marital satisfaction.
With Aron and Aron’s hypothesis regarding closeness and the excitement that comes from its development, it makes sense, as stated in the blog, that a married couple may reach a point where they are as close and intimate as two people can be. Continuing to participate in activities that excite and amuse them allows the couple to celebrate that closeness again and again, sharing new and enjoyable experiences. My aunt and uncle recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary by taking a trip to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico. A year earlier, they visited Hawaii. When I compare their relationship with the information contained in this blog, I can see that their happiness in marriage possibly stems from their pursuit of new activities through frequent travel. In 50 years’ time, they were able to build a life together and raise a family, growing close through these shared experiences. They seem to effectively keep their love alive by continuing to seek out new places and finding enjoyable things to do together while visiting. It is not only through travel that they continue to share favorable experiences, but I often hear from them about local restaurants, stores, or games they have tried together.
Perhaps the dissatisfied couples in Tsapelas’ study had forgotten how to enjoy activities together as they had when they were younger at their time of marriage. I firmly believe in “sharing the spice of life” and, in my 5-year relationship, I can see the importance of actively avoiding complacence, which I only foresee ushering in its brother, boredom. Relationships are not only about functionality, but also fun and the joy in companionship that two people bring each other. I think that a couple will maintain their satisfaction if they find ways to continue celebrating their love and closeness.
The findings of the study within this article, “When the Bloom is Off the Rose: Is Marital Disenchantment Inevitable?” was very informative for any individual that is planning on or is currently experiencing a long term relationship. It is very common for some individuals to get caught up in the excitement and within the beginning stages of a relationship. However, once this excitement wears off, it is difficult for couples to not get bored and uninterested in the other person. This results in a lack of closeness between the couple and conflict and tension arises. I think this is a common issue among couples that jump into marriages too quickly. They believe that the excitement will always be there in their relationship. Nevertheless, in order for a couple that has been married for quite some time to experience that excitement that was experienced during the early stages of a relationship, the couple must work for it.
It is important to remember that drifting apart and the feelings of boredom is a normal and natural part of any relationship. After being together for so long, it only makes sense that couples eventually will get to the point where nothing new and exciting happens, especially if couples are still in the process of raising their children and creating their careers. Couples get so involved in their own lives and their children’s lives, the relationship between the couple can be easily forgotten. It is easy to do the same things each and everyday and forget about the importance of maintaining that spark in your relationship.
I was involved in a three year relationship with the father of my child before we decided to call it quits. After my son was born, it was so easily to get so consumed in raising him and focusing on our own lives, that we forgot about each other. This quickly led to our once exciting, close relationship to backfire and leave us both cold. Had we focused more on remaining close and intimate with each other while still keeping our relationship fun and exciting, the outcome may have been very different for our relationship.
“Tsapelas and her colleagues point to research that demonstrates that generating excitement in other ways such as engaging in novel and challenging activities together, as a couple, can spark renewed interest in the marriage.” I found this statement very inspiring and hope to remember this when I feel like my current relationship is stuck in a rut!
I found this article to be very interesting. to me it was one of those ideas that in the back of my mind it made a lot of sense, I just never really thought about it. All of the basic ideas of the article made alot of sense and I think everyone in some way can relate to. For example, looking at my moms marriages I can see the boredom is a major area that can become a deciding factor on the survival of a relationship. My moms last marriage started off like a high school romance, very flirtatious, spry, and exciting. Further into their relationship, once they became closer and realized they were alot alike, I noticed they became impatient and somewhat bored with each other. My mom always points out that once they realized they were the same person and did almost everything alike, they were both instantly bored. Once they got into a repetitive schedule day to day that was the point where they realized maybe it was just a romance and not a relationship. In the end that "spark" was gone and they were so alike it was literally boring.
I believe it is very difficult to avoid getting into a "relationship plateau", a point where you know each other so well and you are so in tune to each others day to day life there is no excitement. But I don't believe its impossible to over come. If two people in a relationship work at it and can over come it, I think they can make their relationship last.
I found this to be quite informative and interesting. Being familiar with the terms "ol' ball and chain" and getting "cold feet" before a wedding, it seems to make sense that boredom can lead to dissatisfaction with the relationship down the road.
I also liked Tsapleas’ and colleagues' approach to the matter, by conducting research on the general public with a longitudinal study rather than focusing only on already troubled couples seeking counseling. For one, communication and other conflicts tend to be present with couples who may seek counseling and not just for the single reason of boredom within the relationship. Also, we couldn't assume that every couple experiencing dissatisfaction would take the time seek counseling - especially with the divorce rates being as high as they are. If every failed relationship did seek counseling, then an entire overhaul on the counseling process ought to be considered. The 7-year survey appears to be solid enough to point out a correlation between being in a rut and the marital satisfaction/dissatisfaction.
The theory by Aron and Aron (1986) touches on an interesting point, with the excitement created by the rapid development in closeness. It is logical then that, over time, two people can become so close and so familiar with one another that there really isn't anything new about the person to be learned and the excitement could then decrease. Boredom with the relationship may result from reaching this point. However, other factors may contribute to the satisfaction or lack thereof over time as well.
Certainly renewing the interest of the relationship is positive and healthy for both partners, but what about the things that the couple shares an interest in? Being stuck in a rut may stem from the fact that whatever it is that they share may be repetitive - having the same daily routine continuously, without this excitement that they initially had. It may be possible that if they shared more hobbies or activities that may be more interesting to each of them to begin with, that having this shared interest in a particular hobby or activity can even continue to bring them closer together. Some examples of this may be couples that like to travel, explore different outlets of the arts, or even couples that do volunteer work together/run a business together.
Authors Irene Tsapelas, Arthur Aron, and Terri Orbuch’s article on research into marital boredom and dissatisfaction later in marriage was one that I found rather interesting. Arguably, I thought there could have been various other factors that contributed to the outcome of this study. I make this comment solely off of my ten year experience with marriage, and only offer it as insight into my own personal thoughts into the subject.
I don't think I’m alone when I say that I embraced marriage with all the excitement, motivation, and commitment I could manage, yet no matter how hard I worked at it, my marriage couldn’t be saved. Boredom doesn’t even scratch the surface on the displeasure and unhappiness I felt in my marriage.
Although many things come to mind when I think of causal reasons for dissatisfaction in marriages (aside of boredom): Disappointment, stress, health problems, selfishness, narrow mindedness, and refusal to compromise over time; to name a few. Perhaps, all of these sort of intermingle and are merely byproducts of one major originating problem. Quite possibly all of the above mentioned factors are nothing more than the results of boredom in one’s marriage.
On another note, I recently read an article that said people who engage in pleasurable activities lead happier and healthier lives. It didn’t say people who frequently engage in sex, or activities; it said engage in satisfactory or pleasurable activities. I believe that this is what Tsapelas and colleagues were suggesting when they recommended that couples invite new and stimulating activities into their relationships.
I feel like this article was very informative and hard good studies done. I was wondering if this only applies to marriage or if you can say that someone who has been dating for 7 or more years can feel the same boredom as a married couple? Also I liked how the article ended saying that not all couples feel like they are falling into the same rut of boredom. This gives hope to many couples and shows that with proper counseling and work at the relationship, you can have an increase in excitement as you grow closer. With that being said it is important that as a counselor you understand that a marriage can only be fixed if both parties are willing to work on it and that may include unselfish sacrifices.
I can completely understand how this article is relevant. I see how people can become bored for so long in a marriage that they start to look at external sources or mates to achieve that same excitement and newness that was once there which could lead to cheating, addiction, drug use or other means. Also, i understand how each spouse can grow to resent the other for being the cause of the boredom, at least in their own minds, which can lead to more fighting.
On another note, i could see the spouse's thought process as being that their spouse's lack of enthusiasm and excitement is nothing but a reflection of their own boredom and dullness which in turn could make them feel that they need to change by getting rid of the relationship all together.
Not only are the activities that challenge the couple a good way to reinvest in the relationship, but i believe it can bring about a new appreciation for the other person by showing just how strong they are as a couple in overcoming challenges. I believe that by working as a team, a couple can psychologically reinforce communication between a couple that is in marital dissatisfaction. Overall, this article has started a thought process for me as to what i will need to do to help keep my future marriage vivacious and interesting for both me and my future spouse.
This post was very interesting, especially where you write about how satisfaction is not shown to effect boredom, but it is just boredom effecting satisfaction. It really shows how important it is for a couple to make sure to keep doing things together and experiencing life together.
I believe that in addition to experiencing things together, that a personal benefit is gained as well, which further helps the relationship. In addition to experiencing life together, each partner also learns more about themselves which gives more information to be shared. If each person continues to grow from life experiences, then closeness can continue to be furthered, as each partner learns more about the person each other are becoming.
While I am not yet married, I am currently in a committed relationship with someone who I could see myself marrying one day. We have been together for over two years and there have been times when it seems we already know everything about each other. After reading this article, it could mean that we have reached a high level of closeness in our relationship. The earlier theory that was proposed by Aron and Aron from 1986 is one in which I feel many committed couples do experience. Relationships in my opinion do go through stages, the first being when a couple is in the “honeymoon” stage. This stage is where couples can be expected to feel a high level of excitement since everything about each other is new. That closeness that forms between two individuals will however reach that high level of closeness and like the article suggests, will wane off over time. I would assume that most that enter into marriage do so with hopes of a long and happy one, so the issue becomes trying to avoid boredom between each other. The study that was done by Tsapelas and colleagues does seem to make sense, if one becomes bored their level of satisfaction with whatever they are engaged in would decline.
In a related topic I know that television shows like ABC’s “The Bachelor” really do what they can to make the dates these women go on always about excitement. The places these individuals are able to go during the show present this life of constant excitement and adventure. However, it would seem that once the man picks the woman at the end of the show to marry him the relationship rarely survives after the show is over. I wonder if this could be because once they went back to real life they were never quite able to reach that level of excitement and closeness they had during the show. While this is only a guess it just makes me wonder, especially after reading this article, what truth lies behind the correlation between boredom and satisfaction in married couples.
This article encourages me to realize that if I do find myself bored in my relationship that instead of just ignoring it, I should try and change that. Relationships take work and this is just another hurtle couples may encounter. I do know that my boyfriend and I are what many would call opposites, where I am calm and shy he is more or less the life of a party and could make a new friend in 5 minutes. In past relationships where my boyfriend has been similar to me I did get bored pretty quickly and satisfaction in our relationship did seem to decline rapidly. In my current relationship my boyfriend makes me step outside of my comfort level and while it makes me nervous, he pushes me to try new things I would normally just not do. This study makes sense to me and I hope that if couples are more educated on bored issues in their marriage or relationship we can have more satisfied couples. I know that I want to be one of those happy married couples many years from now.
I found that this study was interesting in the way that they had conducted it over a long period of time. This makes the evidence more credible and interesting in the way that couples evolve over time. It is understandable that if couples become bored that their relationships will become unsatisfactory.
For people who are in a long relationship one of the biggest problems is that they become too comfortable and start to care less about making it fun and enjoyable. This may be because jobs and children get in the way. These couples have less time to spend alone and stress starts to play into the relationship. Couples that are always busy don't tend to think about how they can make their relationship better. It talks about spicing up the relationship and doing fun and exciting things to keep boredom low. This is important because switching things up would probably help because it gets them out of their normal routine. Also I think that for people to stay together they need to somewhat have similar interests and goals. If a couple is interested in the same things then they are more likely to share enjoyable experiences.
People over time do change and think differently. Some couples say that who they are with isn't the same person as who they married. This might be the case but instead of worrying about that or trying to change the person it might be better to try to adjust and evolve their relationship.
I have noticed that if there is dissatisfaction in the relationship counseling does help. This may be because they show them how to keep relationship interesting; as previously stated. Not many people would enjoy being in a boring relationship. If couples and counseling would focus more on keeping the relationship exciting and not just routine it would probably have a positive effect because they would not be bored.
I really liked this article, because I think it is an issue that is very key to contemporary society. The fact is that there are a lot of marriages out there that just simply don't last, and I think it is important for people like Tsapelas, Aron, Orbuch and others to try to explain why this is. I found their methods of research very interesting, asking questions at more than one stage in the marriage. This longitudinal approach proved to be very effective in how they came to their conclusions that closeness was effected by boredom from an early stage. I wonder if one of the biggest problems that couples have to overcome may be the genetic pre-disposition that males and females are said to have in regards to mating and mate selection. It has been theorized that males are more genetically predisposed to want to perpetuate their own genes into the environment as often and with as many different partners as they can. This is so their traits can be passed down through the generations. However, females, due in part to a limited number of reproductive material that is produced during their life, are more inclined to find one mate and stay with them. Also, they have the most investment in offspring, so they are more inclined to find a mate who will not want to "spread their seed". Given these factors, I wonder if it is just merely a genetic predisposition that causes marriages to fail and maybe not something like boredom and closeness to one's mate.
Reading through this blog taught me a lot and showed me what I have to look forward to when I'm married. My thoughts about this is how when the couples did their survey, they were at a fairly young age, and then once the survey was done years later, they were still fairly young. They were at an age where they had to work. With different work schedules that people may have, they could contribute to the closeness and intamcy couples may have. Also, if children were introduced during these surveys, time may have been taken away from the partner which could hinder the time spent with the partner. The couples could find time to do what each person has an interest in, whether its a hobby or a sport, and make a date out of it.
Reading the closing statement about strategies to spark that flame, even with different schedules, there has to time where both individuals are home. The couple should find ways to be spontaneous. That would stir things up so its not always dull or boring.
"When the Bloom is Off the Rose: Is Marital Disenchantment Inevitable?"
I found this article interesting, but I have to admit that the results of the study do not surprise me. Although I am not married nor am I in a relationship, I agree with Rachel when she stated that “One of the things I think is important, not only in a marraige but in any relationship is to maintain that youthful flirtatiousness.” It is very important that a couple is able to show the same appreciation that they had for each other at the beginning of their relationship throughout the entire relationship. It is all too easy to take someone for granted and not communicate when you have gotten into an old routine. In my experience this can lead to one person assuming emotions that the other person may or may not have which in turn can cause a big misunderstanding.
One other thing that I would like to address is the fact that the American culture has changed in such a way where people meet and often get married quickly with the notion that they can divorce if it doesn’t work out. I believe that we have gotten into the routine that if I do not like them in a year it is not a big deal because I can leave. The problem with this is that getting to know someone is not as important, so you start to find out about them in the marriage and find them to be nothing like what you expected.
But I would like to get back to the idea of boredom being a cause to an unsuccessful marriage. The reason why this article and the findings of the study did not surprise me is because I have been in relationships that have become very boring and dry. For me when the relationship became like that it was easy to focus on the little behaviors, that my boyfriend would do, to the point where I became annoyed and would pick fights because of that behavior. This would cause me to be unsatisfied with the relationship and contemplate on how to end the relationship, my escape. After reading this article I will take the information and try to keep that in mind when I enter into my next relationship.
I wish that "Marital Disenchantment" (as it is called in the blog) was not a surprise to people. It’s inevitable! The very thought of this may depress some people, but really, it shouldn't. It's inevitable that in years to come, your relationship is going to change a bit. Also, people need to remember that not all marriages are about love. In fact, it is only recently in the scheme of things that love was a major factor in the union between two people. People did (and still do) marry for security and resourcefulness, rather than love. The idea that marriage is supposed to be utter bliss forever and ever is a fallacy. Even the most happily married older couple cannot deny that they have had their rough times.
What is important is changing and growing together. When the rough times arise, it is easy for people to disengage in their relationships. Sometimes it may seem easier to just not care. That is where you will get yourself into trouble. Communication is so essential; especially in the tough times.
I often feel like our culture walks blindly into marriage. It doesn’t help that we all seem to think we’re so self-righteous. The 60s era changed our culture’s perception of love and marriage. As a result there is less emphasis on keeping marriages in tact at all costs and more emphasis on personal rights. This is most obviously seen in the steady and ever-increasing rise in the divorce rate in America from that time period on. There is more emphasis is on pointing fingers outward and showing who is doing something wrong. Too bad the emphasis isn’t on how to fix the situation.
That is why I think that marital counseling is a really good idea. Our culture has so many different notions about marriage that are untrue. We have this disney-focus that we will meet Mr. or Mrs. Perfect! Our prince or princess. While this may be nice to think about, it’s detrimental to the success of marriages. It ill-prepares the youth for marriage. People should be shown results of studies on marriage satisfaction. They should learn about the mean and be prepared for it to happen to them! Yes, it can happen to you!! However, if you go into marriage prepared, you can come out on top. That logic works for tests, races, and competitions. If it works for those things, why wouldn’t it work for your marriage?
The blog “When the Bloom is Off the Rose: Is Marital Disenchantment Inevitable” examines the hypothesis that boredom, and not necessary marital conflict is the demise to most marriages. The theory of Aron and Aron is an important aspect of this hypothesis. They state that as boredom in the marriage is on the rise couples or more likely to become more distant. This study was made credible by the experiment it conducted involving 123 married couples over a 16-year period. This study found that if couples were bored after year 7 they were likely to become dissatisfied in year 16. This shifted the focus onto marriage counseling which should in fact provoke exciting experiences a couple can share, along with the handling of negative emotions or conflict that comes about in a marriage.
This study provides thought provoking insight to which every marriage ultimately wants: closeness, excitement, and trust. Although I am not married I often do become bored with relationships. I have had no problem with becoming close to one, and sharing more personal information with them over time. However, the hardest part for me has been to keep the relationship fresh and alive. Once you understand your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and secrets it seems as if there is nothing left to discover, which may ultimately lead to less intrigue in the relationship. Less intrigue leads to a feeling of dissatisfaction and boredom down the line. I do not know how to keep a relationship exciting; otherwise I probably would still be with my ex-girlfriend. It came to a point where we were so close we could predict each other’s actions before they occurred, even in an exciting situation. Trying new activities or partaking in a couples club may bring temporary excitement, but more often than not it is temporary. There is no magic solution to the problem of boredom. Yet as we can see from the findings of this study it is a very important aspect of any relationship. It can be argued that boredom will in fact lead to the demise of marital bliss, javascript:void(0)rather than conflict within the relationship itself.
After reading the article and many comments I am alarmed that so few people thought the concept was oversimplified. While I think boredom can be a contributing factor to a declining marriage I do not think it is one of the leading causes. I thought one key piece of data that was missing from the article was how many of the couples where divorced at the end of the study. As well as how many bored couples are not dissatisfied with the relationship. Another issue flaw I think the study did not adequately account for is that it only asked for one of the couple to respond to the questions not both. I think this may have shown that while boredom was a factor it would have also shown larger inconsistencies between the two responses. This may have meant that there was more going on than just boredom and that both parts of the couple felt differently about the state of the relationship. I do not think counselors need to focus on boredom as a major issue however they should, and I would imagine do, tell people that unless they continue to work on the marriage that it will likely return the unhappy state it was in when the first sought counseling.
The goose bumps, the coy bedroom eyes, and the pheromones all contribute to the ecstasy of a blossoming romantic relationship. Our (humans) physiological response to love is invigorating. Just seeing that a love interest called can set off bodily responses like a rapid heart rate and weak knees. Why can’t the butterflies in the stomach and the giddiness of merely mentioning a love interest’s name stay forever? Why does the thrill dissipate even when the love between two grows stronger? As the relationship ages so does the familiarization with one another. In the beginning of the relationship you would never let them see you sick or not put together. Five years later you are sharing a bathroom.
According to the study, if excitement declines so does the closeness between partners. However, let’s not confuse the correlation and causation. Some couples lead very exciting lives and drift apart for example, Hollywood. Life’s ebb and flow of the daily grind takes a toll on an individual’s energy output. Everyday of the week is not a mind-blowing, exhilarating, awe inspiring experience. People have to work and or go to school, and care for their children. We are a nation of jammed packed schedules and it feels to me as if these schedules only become more hectic with age. How people cope with life’s stress affects their relationship.
Boredom is natural….or is it? A forth grade teacher of mine once told me that only boring people get bored. I like that. There are lots of fun ways to keep a relationship interesting. The study suggests that couples try something new together. Couples can take ballroom dancing lessons, go camping, paintballing, or roller-skating to change the pace. Relationships take work. One must take time and conscious thought to make the relationship of quality. A simple text telling them that you love them is a wonderful way to communicate that you care. Even running an errand for them could ignite a chain of loving events and consequently bring a couple closer. In conclusion it is important that both partners are willing to step out of their element and try something new and challenging together.
First of all, I want to say that I wholeheartedly agree that for couples nowadays entering a marriage is often a risky situation. Many couples enter a marriage blindly, simply hoping that it will work out. While I was reading this blog, I kept thinking that for these couples the boredom may be a result of being afraid to try new things. For instance, he or she may be thinking, “Will my spouse be afraid of something new and divorce me? After all, he or she married me because I was this way.”. I’ve read numerous advice articles about such a thing where the wife asked if her husband wanting to try new things meant that he was cheating on her. Where else would he learn such things?
I found it interesting that the researchers thought to examine the interaction between boredom, closeness, and marriage satisfaction. Although it may not be something that I would think of right away, it makes sense. The way I think of it,the longer a couple is together, the more comfortable they will be together. Yet, the article says that a couple can only get so close. I have always thought that closeness correlates with a better understanding of the person which the evidence does not support.
I also thought that the researchers could have used a better way of obtaining data. Simply answering a questionnaire does not necessarily give the full picture of what a couple is going through. The study and the findings may have been more convincing if the responders were brought into the lab and interviewed. I feel that much more can be drawn from this type of response. I did find it interesting that they used the study to implicate effective techniques in marriage counseling. That seemed like a good link.
I found this article to be very interesting and beneficial as I am about the get married in the next three months. We have been together for two and a half years now and one thing have to say about our relationship is far from boring. While we are both college students and do not have a lot of extra money, we do try and do new things together even if they do not cost a lot.
He has exposed me to things I never thought I would be interested in or even try. His father owns four wheelers so we have gone out there to go riding. I do not like going up or down steep hills and he has helped me to overcome that fear some what and we have worked through it together.
I think both individuals in the relationship need to be able and willing to work on the relationship when things start to get into a “rut.” This article points out the importance of doing things together and I firmly believe that things need to be done together in order to make them work. When someone gets bored with something they often times move on to new things. In relationships, if someone is bored, it is important that they communicate that to their partner and not let it grow into a larger problem.
I will always keep this article in the back of my head as someone who wants their marriage to last. As someone who is about to get married, it is important for me to try and do new things and not fall into the same routine day in and day out. This article points out the importance of doing new things to keep individuals from getting bored with their current partner.
It is sad that people get bored in their relationship, but if they do it is important that they communicate it and be willing to work on it. This is a great article to share with people in my life who seem to have hit a “rut.” Maybe it will give them an idea on how to get out of it.
I felt that the methods of measurement for the study were questionable. Boredom, satisfaction, and closeness were only measured twice throughout the sixteen year study using one or two questions. A couple may feel they are currently “in a rut” at the month of testing implicating them as bored in their marriage, but the past eighty-three months of their marriage could have been interesting and exciting. Also there is the question of “how often do you feel you do the same thing and rarely get to do exciting things?” Maybe the couple are content with their routine and this doesn’t define boredom for them. Also measuring closeness by picking a set of overlapping circles seems vague and frankly a little stupid. If I was asked to indicate my closeness to my partner by choosing circles I wouldn’t put much thought into it. I find it sad that a longitudinal study with such a large sample was wasted with imprecise measurements.
Even though I do not have much confidence in the results of this study, I do think boredom in the marriage leads to dissatisfaction. You enter the relationship excited to completely share yourself with someone and then eventually run out of information to disclose. Excitement then begins to diminish and you fall into a pattern of lack of communication and subsequent boredom. However, no relationship is going to be forever exciting. I think there are natural cycles of excitement and boredom along with closeness and distance. After knowing all there is to know about a person, you stop sharing but people’s passions, fears and beliefs change over time allowing for couple to rediscover each other after a period of quiet and boredom. The problem occurs when you lose interest in one another and stay in that state. Exploring new activities may be a way to step out of habitual patterns and get to know your spouse again.
I felt that the methods of measurement for the study were questionable. Boredom, satisfaction, and closeness were only measured twice throughout the sixteen year study using one or two questions. A couple may feel they are currently “in a rut” at the month of testing implicating them as bored in their marriage, but the past eighty-three months of their marriage could have been interesting and exciting. Also there is the question of “how often do you feel you do the same thing and rarely get to do exciting things?” Maybe the couple are content with their routine and this doesn’t define boredom for them. Also measuring closeness by picking a set of overlapping circles seems vague and frankly a little stupid. If I was asked to indicate my closeness to my partner by choosing circles I wouldn’t put much thought into it. I find it sad that a longitudinal study with such a large sample was wasted with imprecise measurements.
Even though I do not have much confidence in the results of this study, I do think boredom in the marriage leads to dissatisfaction. You enter the relationship excited to completely share yourself with someone and then eventually run out of information to disclose. Excitement then begins to diminish and you fall into a pattern of lack of communication and subsequent boredom. However, no relationship is going to be forever exciting. I think there are natural cycles of excitement and boredom along with closeness and distance. After knowing all there is to know about a person, you stop sharing but people’s passions, fears and beliefs change over time allowing for couple to rediscover each other after a period of quiet and boredom. The problem occurs when you lose interest in one another and stay in that state. Exploring new activities may be a way to step out of habitual patterns and get to know your spouse again.
Although the article seems to point out relatively obvious findings, it does mention that the focus of American marital therapy is on resolving conflict instead of creating excitement. Before reading the article, I was already aware of the fact that boredom would be a huge hindrance to marriage; it would inevitably destroy mine if I married someone that did not excite me. One of the key (if not primary) characteristics I look for in a dating partner is their ability to entertain me. I am always looking to have a good time and would expect nothing less from someone I am spending large amounts of time with.
In my opinion, the methodology of the research was quite reliable. It followed the same couples over a long period of time which is the method I would have chosen. The results were essentially what were hypothesized, and not really a surprise to me. Although these results seem obvious, Americans focus marital therapy techniques on solving problems once they have occurred and are causing obvious distress instead of eliminating the boredom in marriages. This is likely due to the fact that when someone is bored with their relationship, they do not necessarily consider it dysfunctional enough to require therapy. However, once the relationship reaches the point that there is fighting and obvious strain; the couple may realize then that they need counseling. It is simply a lack of recognition, mainly due to the cause that people are not looking for the right cues to adjust their marriage.
This particular piece is very interesting to me because I am passing the age of which all of the people around me are getting married. This study conducted indicates that there is a point in a relationship where you cannot become closer. The highest level of closeness has been reached and from then on you will feel boredom and your excitement in the relationship dies. From these two factors the quality of a relationship declines and the partners become dissatisfied.
The information from this study is the reason why I am allowing people to get married around me and I am not. If my partner and I have reached our highest level of closeness then why would we get married only for our relationship to decline? The author of the study indicated that even if a couple tries to increase the closeness and intimacy, a relationship eventually reaches their highest level of closeness. I feel study could have been conducted on people whom are not married as well.
I think this study information pertains to couples whom have been together 7 years and 16 years without being married. A couple does not need to be married to experience the same levels of closeness and satisfaction. Eventually all relationships hit a bored patch in the relationship, this is why divorce is so prevalent. If couples read studies like these and realize that after their highest level of closeness will eventually plateau and they will need to live with it as a couple. Too many people believe their highest level of satisfaction cannot be reached and it will continue after marriage. Reading studies like this will provide people in relationships with the information they need to know when entering marriage.
Laura White
The newness of relationships, and the excitement that comes with them can hinge on many different shared experiences. The initial attraction, which can be attributed to chemicals in our brains, may keep it exciting for many months or just a few weeks. The animalistic attractions we share with our partner may lead into a more intimate connection, or it may fizzle out and lead to a bit of pain after one partner leaves prematurely. While reading this blog I had many references go through my head about movies that are based on the initial excitement. The one show that stuck out in my mind is The Bachelor. I know it is cheesy but they are placed in these very intense, romantic, dangerous, and once in a lifetime scenarios to share with the potential mate. Sharing these experiences with an individual strengthens the bond and gives an individual a sense of connection with the other person. These experiences release certain chemicals in the brain to intensify the whole experience, thus making the feeling of love stronger and the connection more intimate.
I definitely agree that the excitement must be continued throughout a relationship. The findings of the study did not surprise me one bit. I think closeness is felt more intensely by individuals in a relationship when they share meaningful life experiences together. When people grow too comfortable with one another, they may tend to take their partner for granted, making the relationship mundane. Not showing any enthusiasm towards their partner, thus making it feel “boring” to the partner. This would lead to the partner becoming unsatisfied in the relationship.
This issue could be a large factor in the rise of divorces. We have become a very instant gratification based society and sometimes I think people forget that a relationship still requires work to be put in. so much of our energy is put into jobs, and our daily upkeep of our lives that excitement in our relationships is saved for “special occasions”. These sadly do not sustain a person’s level of interest in the relationship.
The study that was conducted to discover the outcomes of this hypothesis was thorough. I feel that a 16-year period is a substantial period of time, and adequate to conduct a longitudinal study of this nature. The questions were appropriate for the topic, as well as the correlation in the findings between satisfaction and boredom.
I was glad to see that the last paragraph of the blog affirmed that more focus should be placed on creating positive experiences within marriage, rather than just trying to fix the “problems” or issues. While I am by no means an optimist, I do enjoy indulging in happier thoughts, and those tend to lead toward a happier and more satisfying relationship.
I have been engaged for seven months and have been with my fiancé for over a year and a half. I can understand the occasional “rut,” but I realistically cannot always expect to feel butterflies in my abdomen 100 percent of the time. We both go to school full time, and work. We also know quite a bit about each other; he hates tomatoes and pickles on his cheeseburgers. But, I can’t always predict when he’s in the mood for onions. While a petty matter in the grand scheme of a relationship, I believe it’s important to pick up on nuances from your partner. Are the couples in the study so predictable that there is no room for errors? Or are they experiencing a sexual boredom? I feel the working definition of “boredom” remained slightly vague for me, and I wondered if there was a specific kind of boredom the researchers were searching for, or just the feeling in general.
I also wondered if there were any divorces or separations within the sixteen year span of the study. This was not noted. I will assume there was not, or if there were, they were not due to boredom or a lack of satisfaction within the marriage.
If the boredom described was sexual boredom, I would be interested in the religious affiliations or lack thereof, of the participating couples and individuals. The text notes that the Western religions of Islam, Christianity, and Judaism had, at their inceptions, very negative and evil ideas about the displays of sexuality. While the religions have evolved, underlying tensions and disapproval from the leaderships still exist, and the practitioners of these religions are not unaffected. Maybe there are some very fundamental Christians who are only enjoying sexual intercourse in what is known as the “missionary” position; this does not leave much room for exploration with female dominance and female pleasure, both of which can be achieved if the woman is astride the man. I feel that sexual boredom is more easily “cured” and I would rather be sexually bored than bored with who my husband is and how our relationship operates.
This article, and the study that it revolved around, was very interesting to me. I have always heard the jokes about “the ball and chain”, and marriage is seemingly always depicted as being unavoidably boring and trap-like. Therefore, it was interesting to read the entire article and discover that there are, in fact, ways to keep your marriage from becoming boring and less satisfying.
The study was credible and likely repeatable (with the same results) because it was empirical in the sense that there were a large number of participants (123 couples). I think it is interesting that the study began at the seven year mark. I have always heard of the saying “the 7-year itch”, implying that relationships get boring after 7 years. Therefore, the study was starting when boredom is likely to be present.
I like that the study ultimately concluded that there are ways to keep your marriage from becoming boring. Doing new and interesting things is a good way to stay interested in the relationship. I think a lot of married couples get stuck in a rut of doing the same thing all of the time (dinner, movie, TV, only spending time with kids). Couples need to spend more time doing things that are fun to them. This could be going on a vacation, spending a day without the kids, doing something that you usually do not do. I am not married but have been in a relationship for 5 years. We try to do new things as often as possible, for example, this past weekend we went cross-country skiing for the first time. As long as couples try to do things that are fun and new, boredom should be possible to beat.
I found this post to be very interesting, partially because I’ve noticed in my previous relationships that boredom was a significant factor in how I felt the relationship was going. It is easy to keep up the excitement and enthusiasm during the first few months or so when you are getting to know someone, but maintaining that over time can be difficult.
I thought it was particularly informative that the study found that boredom was likely the cause of dissatisfaction with the marriage, and not vice versa. The article noted that eventually, two people reach a level of closeness and familiarity that can’t really go any further, and it would seem logical that after this point it would be easy to get bored with a relationship; the honeymoon period where everything is new and exciting is over, and you know each other well. The security that comes from familiarity can be comforting, but it can sometimes seem lackluster compared to how the relationship felt when it was new. This study was conducted over a long period of time, so it would be assumed that couples who were reporting satisfaction and closeness at year 16 had definitely passed the stage where they were still becoming close; obviously something else was making them stay satisfied and happy with the marriage after they had achieved that closeness and familiarity with each other.
It would seem that the key to maintaining a happy marriage over time would be finding a way to keep the relationship fresh and exciting even after you reach that plateau of closeness. Boredom is clearly a marriage-killer according to this study, and so it would seem that finding ways to avoid boredom and stagnation in a relationship, even after the novelty of just being together has worn off, may be the factor that determines whether a marriage remains satisfying in the long run.
To some extent I do think that marital dissatisfaction can be inevitable. However I do think that if some changes are made in the relationship early on, then satisfaction will become possible. All relationships can get into a “rut”, but it is important how both partners in the relationship interpret that rut. There are always times in our lives when we have to sacrifice some parts of ourselves because there is so much going on in other aspects of our lives. This could be school, work, family, or sometimes a combination of everything. A “rut” does not mean that the relationship is over and that the couple is just not trying anymore. Often times a “rut” can come out of things becoming too routine, or not knowing how to juggle all the responsibilities in their lives. It is important that at least once a month couples should find time to just be together and focus on their love. This is not a selfish act, but it is to improve their relationship which can also improve other aspects of their lives. With the study presented here it would have been nice to see a comparison group that received training after the 7-year survey on how to “spice” up their marriage and then compare the 16-year surveys to see if there was an improvement.
The longitudinal study conducted by Tsapelas, Aron, and Orburch (2009) was very interesting. The study examined the idea that boredom in relationships predicts less satisfaction in later years of marriage. Specifically, 9 years later. The study was empirical because it studied a large number of individuals; 123 married couples.
Although the study was interesting, the results seemed very obvious to me. It is only natural to expect that if a couple is bored with one another early in marriage (at year 7) they will be less satisfied at year 16. From this study, I interpreted “boredom” as several different things. For example, boredom includes not only not having “fun” together anymore; but also, not necessarily being interested in trying to have fun with your spouse (i.e. couples who would rather spend time apart on their day off than do something together). Therefore, the couples who were bored were not being proactive about becoming interested in each other once again.
Furthermore, I found that the information about reaching a “maximum level” of closeness and intimacy was interesting. I had never thought about closeness with a spouse in that way- that there is only a certain level of closeness you can reach. However, the tips on avoiding boredom (without the help of simply getting closer and more intimate) was, again, somewhat obvious. If a couple is no longer staying interested and engaged in each other simply by getting closer over time, than the couple must find new ways to be excited about their relationship. The idea of finding new activities or adventures seems very good and is realistic for most couples. The new activities do not need to be extravagant; the article does not say the couples should take a month long trip to Europe. The activities can be as simple as finding a new hobby to enjoy, or doing something spontaneous on a day you both are free. Therefore, I think that the study should be an overall source of comfort for married individuals. Yes, marriage takes work. However, the work is not unmanageable.
I do believe that boredom can be a factor towards future problems in a marriage. When marriage begins it is bliss. Couples are into one another and the connection is intense. Intimacy is very high and couples enjoy doing exciting things together. I believe that when children come to play in the marriage is when the couple begins to have a routine. Couples are busy with work, busy with babies and busy with life. Intimacy can become a chore to satisfy one another. For some couples, intimacy stops completely and they don’t realize it. This may be year seven, when couples are in the processes of raising babies. Study doesn’t explain what was hindering the boredom at the time. But there are couples who manage to keep the excitement in the marriage which is important so that boredom doesn’t come to play.
By year sixteen, children are older and couples have more time to themselves. Couples can take this opportunity to reconnect and become closer, or couples can remain bored because they don’t know how to reconnect. Couples can be content with boredom, but I am not sure whether the marriage can continue to exist. This is when counseling takes place, and the study doesn’t show whether couples used this tool to become closer.
Couples need to have commitment towards the marriage in order for it to survive. Both partners have to put in as much energy because if one partner decides to quit, then maybe the marriage can collapse. This can go for both heterosexual couples, as well as same sex couples. Both face different problems in their relationships, but boredom can be the same.
I enjoyed the blog; the study was appealing because the couples were studied for sixteen years. Boredom can affect the marriage but with intimacy, excitement and being adventurous, marriages can have a positive future!
When the Bloom is Off the Rose: Is Marital Disenchantment Inevitable?
I found this article to be very informative and true. I married at age 19 and was married for 12 years.
Couples seem to be so happy, excited, and flirtatious at the beginning of any relationship. Then the daily life and responsibilities set in and be begun to get into the rut of doing everything the same. At times taking our partner for granted. We go to work, start families and become comfortable in the relationship we are in and begin to neglect the other ones inner needs and at time physical needs.
I know when I got married the man I married had three young children whom he had custody of. So I became an instant mom 24/7. We then had 2 children of our own bringing us to a total of 5 children. I stayed at home and cared for the kids, he worked. Our life became a daily routine and we did not take time for “our” relationship but yet focused in the wants and needs of the children.
As you can guess we began to grow further and further apart and it ended in divorce because neither of us were happy for felt any connection to each other. We allowed our relationship to fail by not making time for it.
I feel the number one thing a couple must do, is play together! If you can keep excitement in a relationship you will be able to keep it alive. Making time for each other no matter what, always keeping the spark going that was lit on the first day you met. Going on dates, giving each other surprises, making each other feel special is the key to making any relationship work.
If you do not keep each other happy and continue to grow together at some point in the relationship one of you will become bored and can and does result in divorce. I speak from experience. You may feel that you children, job, families are the most important. While these are all very important part of anyone’s life you must take time to keep your spouse or partner happy and satisfied. If you as a couple are happy and satisfied then the rest will all fall into place.
I really enjoyed reading this article because it pertains to my life and relationship. I have been in a relationship for almost seven years now. I have been married for almost two years of this relationship. I found this article to be very helpful. I agree with the article in the aspect that relationships need excitement and closeness. I also know how easy it is to let boredom sneak in.
The monotony of daily living can take a toll on relationships. People tend to go through life without truly enjoying it. Marriage is a very complex thing and because of its complexities takes work for it to last. Sexuality is one of the things that can affect marriage. According to “Human Sexuality: Personality and Social Psychological Perspective,” human sexuality refers to all emotional, cognitive, behavioral and physical experiences of human related to their sexual nature. So I believe in order to prevent boredom we must satisfy all of these emotions, thoughts, behaviors and physical experiences.
According to the article “if excitement declines, closeness can be expected to decrease as well, negatively affecting the quality of the marriage as reflected in the level of dissatisfaction.” I agree with this article because of my own personal experiences. However, I noticed that the couples observed and tested were all from Detroit area. I think this poses somewhat of a bias. I also saw that one of the requirements to participate were that the couples had to be of the same race. I am curious to know if interracial couples would respond differently to the tests given.
I was a little thrown by the article stating that eventually couples will become as familiar and close as possible. This makes me a little worried for my own relationship. I do however find relief in the fact that the article also states that generating excitement in other ways together can spark renewed interest in the marriage. It is comforting to know that the excitement of the stimulating activities can become associated with the relationship, keeping it vibrant and stimulating.
Overall I found this article very helpful. I found myself agreeing with most of the information given throughout the article. I like that it gave examples on how to prevent the boredom from happening. The research was longitudinal which helps to support the results. I look forward to applying this research to my own life and relationship.
It is lovely to see how couples still go into marriage thinking that they will be the couple who will not only survive, but flourish – it reveals such good hope. I have witnessed the “spark” go out of some marriages with no real effort being put into trying to revive that “spark” to keep the marriage flourishing. Boredom can be a cause of unhappiness and can lead to marital issues and extra-marital affairs; I say this because being bored could lead to exploring new venues to relieve boredom and such venues can be detrimental to a marriage.
I agree that marriage counseling should not only focus on “coping with conflicts and negative emotions,” but they should also partake in the activities they did together as a couple before they even were married, more importantly, for them to partake in such activities to remind of them of why they got married. For example, watch the first movie they saw together or have dinner at the restaurant they first ate at. It has to do with how the mind may forget, but the heart always remembers such that partaking in those activities will remind their hearts of the love and memories they share.
The “spark” in a marriage is quite comparable to how men and women play videogames, the game becomes more intriguing as the game(s) become harder with moving on to new levels. Men and women stay interested and continue to play such games, seemingly never stopping since they have not become uninterested and continue play such games for hours on end! It goes to show that if a couple can play together they could stay together, trying new and exciting activities to revive that “spark.”
The definition given in our book concerning the satisfaction in a relationship is an evaluation of the level of benefits resulting from being in the relationship minus the level of costs. The closeness in a relationship can contribute to the satisfaction within the relationship. It is thought that in the beginning of a relationship that closeness the couple feels is due to high levels of intimacy. However, over time the intenseness in intimacy in the relationship levels off or in some cases degrades. This decrease in intimacy causes the coup to find other means of achieving a satisfying level of closeness; this is generally found though the commitment to one another.
The blog made said that after a period of time a couple becomes as close as possible to one another, I do agree with this statement, especially when looking at couples that have been together for a long period of time (in the study’s case married couples of 16 years) that have maintained a certain level or degree of closeness. I do not believe couples who never really invest anytime into getting close to one another through means of intimacy (verbal or sexual) can ever really say they know their significant to a level of satisfaction for either one of them. However, since there is generally (not all the time) a decline in the intimacy excitement in a relationship the longer the relationship last there is a problem in maintaining a satisfaction in closeness in the relationship. In the case of my parents I have heard from them that over the years they have drifted apart in their intimate feelings towards one another. They have lost the sense of excitement in one another; however, they feel as if they are still as close because of their commitment to one another, but not as close as when they were younger when they were more intimate with one another.
In conclusion I do like how the blog ended with that fact that when couple do go and seek therapy that they should focus on positive activities and attitudes how to reestablish the excitement in the relationship because I feel as if positive feelings are stronger than negative feelings towards changing attitudes and behaviors.
I thought this was a very interesting article. It seems as though many couples enter into marriage not realizing that it is something they must work at strengthening every day. A marriage is a give and take relationship and takes a conscious effort from both parties to keep it exciting and strong.
It makes sense when they say that if the relationship is boring early on, it will continue to deteriorate further as time goes on. You need to be spontaneous sometimes, do things out of the ordinary that you both enjoy. Take the time to really enjoy each other, flirt, tease each other, laugh a lot, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
I feel that I am one of the lucky ones. My husband and I have been married 24 years now and we both feel that our marriage is still exciting. I believe a big part of keeping a relationship exciting is love, respect, honesty, trust, and good communication.
I agree that boredom in a relationship can cause many issues in that relationship. Also, to suggest that boredom leads to dissatisfaction and a lack of closeness not only makes sense, but also is easily witnessed in today’s society. I work in a public place and I don’t have difficulties seeing couples on their everyday ventures either having fun together or being bored together. Couples that have nothing left to do start to drift apart and lose that sense of connection. It’s not hard to fathom that the results of these studies prove their hypothesis. Because a couple can only know so much about each other, creating other means of excitement becomes wildly important. This article is easy to understand and the results are too. Obviously, boredom in a relationship can lead to dissatisfaction. Not only does this article present valid arguments and they support them, but I have witnessed this matter in my family life.
According to the information in the article it seems as though marital disenchantment may not be inevitable. Through the data gained in the longitudinal study it seems that adding new and challenging activities will garner fresh interest and lead to further closeness in the relationship. It is fascinating that boredom seems to be a precursor to relationship satisfaction and not vice versa. This may be where the saying “a couple that plays together, stays together” came from. Further research on the couples who maintained high satisfaction levels would seem to provide valuable information for psychologists, marital counselors, and the general public.
The article entitled “When the Bloom is off the Rose: Is Marital Disenchantment Inevitable?” immediately took my interest. Like what I assume to be most others in the field of sociology, I am fascinated by relationships, in particular what I hear to be the ever decreasing happiness within them. The “getting bored with one another” phenomenon has puzzled me, and I’ve often wondered if it’s simply a product of our high-demand society. We are raised with hopes for adventure and dreams of that “happy ending.” It’s no surprise we find ourselves complacent within relationships we find to be less than surreal. I appreciate that this study wanted to prove the hypothesis that boredom predicts less satisfaction later in life, because I don’t think boredom as a predicting factor is used very frequently. When this study makes the claim that boredom measured at year 7 was related to less satisfaction in year 16, but less satisfaction at year 7 does not lead to boredom at year 16, it doesn’t go into much detail about how those relationships between satisfaction and boredom are determined. They explained briefly about the controlled variables used, but I would like to read more in-depth about how the conclusions were drawn about which factors lead to particular outcomes.
In other sociology classes it has been established that the point of studying sociology is not simply to find out information, but rather to change the current situation and improve the future. I appreciate that after the results of this study were presented the researchers then proposed ideas on how this might be used for counseling purposes, that maintaining excitement is an important aspect of relationships that needs to be encouraged
It is also ironic to me, that in a time when we’ve come to regard marriage as a free choice between individuals that is sought with love, we have sky-rocketing divorce rates. As I’ve been reading the chapters on the history of sexuality I am constantly shocked on how both sexualty and marriage were viewed so negatively. Why is it, then, that now we have finally freed ourselves sexually and have been given the freedom to choose our own spouse, we aren’t maintaining those relationships? I wonder if the unhappiness felt during previous times was simply brushed under the rug due to the pressure of societal forces.
I find this interesting because I have went through a marriage that I was not happy in and in looking at the factors that the researchers did in why a marriage wouldn’t last, I notice that there are some similarities. I would not say “boredom” was a cause of the divorce, but definitely a feeling of no excitement anymore would be a factor. There of course were other factors, but if I would have been included in this study, I would have shown unhappiness in year seven, and although we didn’t stay married for 16 years, I am almost sure that without counseling or intervention of some kind, I would have still been miserable. I am glad to see that research has been done on couples who are having problems as well as those that aren’t. I think it gives the research more validity.
On Boredom and Blossoms
I particularly enjoyed the latest blog addition, “When the Bloom is off the Rose: Is Disenchantment Inevitable?” and it brought to mind the ever-present dread of partner boredom. Eventually the ‘spark’ dims in a once-exciting relationship and you wonder what ever attracted you in the first place. What causes this to happen and is it preventable or can it be endured? This study asked the difficult questions and came up with a time-honored answer that is easily believable and acceptable.
Before I reveal the actual answer, I got to thinking: how is it that people can be friends for long periods of time without becoming bored or ‘stuck in a rut’? Intimacy between friends is developed in a different way. It comes in steps and growth, shared moments and good times. As the study points out, the excitement factor in relationships is the quick, speedy intimate encounters. Usually platonic friendships with lasting structure do not do this; nor do stable marriages. Marriages that can continuously fan the flames and keep the spark alive are most likely matured like friendships.
This being said, I totally concur with the study’s findings and solution to boredom. Treat it like a friendship: do new and exciting things with your partner to keep the relationship interesting.
This particular blog entry was interesting and provoked a lot of thought, it applies to anyone who has been in a long term relationship, whether they are married or dating. The study Tsapelas, Aron, and Orbuch conducted made me think a lot about how too often the problems in the relationship are focused on the wrong thing instead, as said in the article if in marriage counseling the couples focused on how to help increase closeness that they once had then that could save their marriage from a downward spiral. What is also intriguing about this article is that it could also apply to friendships. In any type of relationship you are going to get to know each other to a point where it is predictable and boring. Just like in a marriages and relationships, friendships start off as fun and exciting and usually involve experiencing new things together and eventually, you are going to become bored with that person.
This study also made me think about when divorce rates were lower, were they really that much more satisfied than todays married couples? In the past there were fewer distractions such as TV and internet. They were forced to spend more time together and find ways of entertainment. For example in the past instead of watching two separate TV’s at night, as many couple I know do, they were more likely to spend time together in other activities. I think that in today’s society it is easy to grow apart because of all the distractions we now have that can take time away from our partner.
Tsapelas, Aron, and Orbuch method of how they conducted their study was very well thought out and provoked results that can help many marriages and relationships. The fact that it was a longitudinal study helps the validity of the information provided by the couples. It helps people compare their relationships at seven and sixteen years to see if they are on the same path as some of those marriages and possibly fix their marriage. Also, having many participants, 123 couples, made it clear that this is a common phenomenon in married couples. Lastly, the results did seem somewhat obvious but many couples forget this boredom factor and begin blaming bad marriages on other factors. The information over all could help many marriages.
I found this article to be very interesting. I think many people fear this idea of being in a boring marriage. I think studies like this can definitely help people within a marriage that want to be closer. One interesting finding was that as excitement decreased so did closeness within the couple. I found this to be somewhat surprising because I would not have expected the closeness of the couple to be necessarily effected by the level of excitement. I also found it to be somewhat surprising because I would have expected boredom to be somewhat common within a marriage. Even if it is not all the time, I would have expected that generally, most couples experience boredom at some point in their marriage. It does make sense after reading the article that couples who do more activities together will be more satisfied. This finding does show that couples should attempt to engage themselves in new and exciting activities in order to keep this closeness in their marriage.
I think that Micheal Anderson made a good point about the fact that the researchers did not use couples who had sought out counseling before. This seemed to be an important aspect of the study because they used participants that did not report problems but were later dissatisfied. Also the study was longitudinal which made it possible to show the different levels of satisfaction during different times in their marriage.
This article is interesting and relevant to almost all married couples today. This study uses scientific research to confirm what most of us who are married already know.....marriage takes work! Marital dissatisfaction seems to be just as common today as it was 50 years ago. In my opinion, the difference is that 50 years ago people stuck it out either for the sake of their family, their religious beliefs, or a multitude of other personal reasons. Today we seem to be a much more self-indulging society. If a spouse isn’t happy, why work things out when you can get a divorce and find someone else. The problem I see with that logic is that when the honeymoon phase wears off, (and it will) what then?
Our lives today are much faster paced than they once were and we just don't have the time or energy to dedicate time to work on our marriages. With our over scheduled lives many people find that they only have time to do the bear minimum to get by. Unfortunately in relationships especially, that just isn't enough. If both husband and wife aren't simultaneously working together to keep the fire burning in their relationship, it seems inevitable that they will have boredom or dissatisfaction later in their relationship. Eventually many will sadly end in divorce.
At the risk of giving too much personal information, my husband and I have attended marriage counseling in the past. As this article suggests, our sessions were mainly focused on coping and with conflicts and negative emotions. Sadly, we would leave the office most of the time in worse shape than we went in. Eventually, we quit going because it was hurting more than it was helping. We might have had a completely different experience if we had been given strategies for increasing our positive interactions rather than just focusing on all of the bad. Couples have to make their relationship a priority and take time out of their lives to focus positive energy on their spouse as a reminder why they feel in love in the first place.
After reading the blog, “When the Bloom is Off the Rose: Is Marital Disenchantment Inevitable?” I was left with questions. Although the blog addressed some of the factors that researchers, Irene Tsapelas, Arthur Aron, and Terri Orbuch required from their participants to meet and some of the questions that they asked them. I was left wanting to know more, such as the percentages of couples whom had children (whether from a previous relationship or their current relationship), if both parties work full-time, how many come from divorced families, and the actual number of participants that were left in the research at year 16? I feel that a lot of these factors come into play when being a relationship.
Once a couple gets married, doesn’t everything change? Some couples may feel that once married you have reached you goal? I mean to be honest with you, all I ever wanted was to find my prince charming and live happily ever after. But doesn’t really happen?
Relationships aren’t easy and by far are you done with your “working at it” once you get married. Relationships take time and effort; one must keep working in on your relationship. Don’t let the little things in life come between you and your partner. Be there for each other, encourage each other, listen to each other and most of all be honest and trust each other. Don’t be afraid to try new things with your partner in order to keep the “spark” between the two. I feel many couples that get in a “rut” allow things like work and children come between them. They get so involved with other things that they may take for granted what made having a family possible. I am not married, but I can only go by what I have seen and heard.
It didn’t surprise to hear the results from study done; boredom can lead to or cause dissatisfaction in being a relationship. Keep things alive by experiencing new things together, whether they means sexually, spiritually, physically, or emotionally. Couples should seek couples counseling not only to mend and fix a relationship but also to strengthen the relationship.
After reviewing the article, I came to the conclusion that I agree with the proposed hypothesis and findings of the study. I believe that it is true that the more bored a couple may be the less satisfaction the couple will report. A lack of excitement can be a huge problem in relationships. If a partner in a relationship reports being bored they are often less likely to connect to the other partner, and having that since of connection is important in a relationship. Furthermore, being bored can be related to being too familiar to one’s partner. If someone knows everything about their partner, they are less likely to get excited in romantic relationships as well as sexual relationships. In addition, as a couple becomes more familiar with each other the intimacy in the relationship will decline leading to a decline in passion due to the since of routine in the relationship.
Although, boredom can result negatively in a relationship, the statement that having a since of closeness with you partner can lead to a more stable relationship is correct. Being close or connected to someone and being too familiar are two very different concepts. When you are connected to a partner you may know everything about that partner, but you are still interested in what they say and what they do. However, I believe that it is true that as the excitement of a new relationship declines the intimacy and passion declines as well, leading to a decline in closeness. Although a couple may suffer from a decline in closeness, it does not mean that their relationship will fail. Many couples level off in the amount of closeness and intimacy incorporated in the relationship. This is a very common occurrence, but it has been reported that many of these couples have companionate love. Companionate love is very similar to passionate love, but companionate love does not include the physical aspect of the relationship. In addition, a couple that has leveled off in the amount of closeness and intimacy can increase these emotions by being reunited after a large amount of time apart, or experiencing something new and exciting together.
The studied published by Tsapelas, Aron, and Orbuch is a great study with important implications in marital counseling. Studying the connection between boredom and later marital dissatisfaction is important in psychology because it helps better our understanding of how to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Also, this type of knowledge is important when evaluating approaches to marital counseling. This study pointed out the in counseling not only do the problems need to be focused on, but the couple needs to begin focusing on how to keep their relationship alive and new.
This study’s results fit in very well with what our textbook says are common reasons for divorce. The textbook states the common reasons listed for divorce are couple growing apart, lack of sharing between partners, conflict over jobs, finances, feeling controlled, abuse, and no more sexual attraction. The first two reasons stated for divorce are what this study focuses on. If people and therapists are able to incorporate these findings into their relationships maybe the divorce rate will decrease in America, along with the continual satisfaction of marriages increasing.
This study was conducted in a very systematic way with a large sample size. Because they administered the test at various times throughout the relationship, the researchers were able to see what condition came first (cause and effect). Also, because the researchers picked their participants from the general population, and not just couples seeking treatment, their results are able to be generalized on a much greater scale.
What these studies show is a problem that faces many couples, a sense of boredom. Boredom happens when there is no excitement or nothing to look forward in the future. The goal of both partners is to increase the investment in the primary relationship. The more one allows oneself to experience new things, the happier and fulfilled one remains. By enjoying new experiences with one’s partner it will strengthen general satisfaction. Not only will the primary relationship have good health, but the passion would be fed on a regular basis keeping sexual satisfaction a top priority. With that being said, how can a couple be proactive in reducing boredom in the relationship?
Now that we know where the problem stems from, the solution should be the focus. It surprises me that psychologists have not honed in on this as a gold mine. After reading Dr Hill’s blog I thought, what a great wedding gift to give a couple, a book or game that is focused on keeping the marriage growing. For instance every anniversary a couple writes five or six things that they want to accomplish in the next year together. These things could be as simple as riding a tandem bike or taking dance lessons. The book could have places for photos and memorabilia that the couple could look back through the years to see the good times that they have experienced together.
What a couple is actually doing is committing that they will make time for their relationship in the next year. Each year the couple would be building on the last years goals. This year may be riding a tandem bicycle together; next year may be a cycling vacation down the coast. Trying new adventures each year will bring excitement as well as something to look forward to while the couple goes through the routine of daily life.
As the studies have shown, boredom can be a precursor to divorce. It is up to us now to take what these researchers have found and find a solution. What is your creative solution?
I think this experiment had interesting findings. It makes sense that boredom earlier in a marriage would continue to get worse as the years go by. I also think that couples who reported boredom throughout the years may be a lack of trying. Being in a relationship takes effort and work and if couples who are not willing to make the effort than obviously nothing is going to change. I also believe that some couples give up early; they take the easier way out then if they would just work on the boredom. Couples may not realize that activities outside of the bedroom can help them reconnect as well. Just going on vacation or joining some type of club can help connect people. Also I want to point out, if couples are feeling bored at year 7 in marriage and still in year 16, why did they not seek any help during those years? I would think that people would want to work as much as possible to fix their marriage so they are satisfied and excited to be in the relationship. Another thing I thought about was companionate love. On page 294 the book defines companionate as: emotional investment, concern, and desire for closeness with one’s romantic partner as does passionate love, however, is does not commonly involve the same level of obsessiveness, preoccupation, and need for constant contact with romantic partner. People may not realize that their relationship is moving into this stage and just assume that boredom is taking place. I’m sure after 16 years of marriage or even 7 two people don’t have that same spark as before because the relationship is at a different stage. According to the book companionate love may include feelings of devotion, intimacy and affection. People may think their relationship has failed because they feel bored, and don’t realize it isn’t boredom, but it is part of a growing relationship. Also I wondered in the study that people who are bored in year 7, maybe they had been dating or even living together years prior. I don’t think this was included in the study. I also think it would be interesting to see if there were differences in men and women in reporting boredom, if one gender rated boredom higher than the other.
I found it to be very interesting that boredom and dissatisfaction in a marriage correlate. After thinking about it, logically it does make sense that two people would not be satisfied with each other if they are bored. There would be no spontanuity, and the two eventually drift apart to either search else where or stay in an unhappy marriage.
I think the different type of love scales can play a major role in this. Depending on how a relationship starts out can have a lasting effect on how it will flourish and grow or wither and perish. When two people genuinely love one another and care about the other person's feelings, they are more likely to take interest in what may affect their partner. I think the type of love most likely to servive would be consummate love, and possiblely companion love. I believe that loves like Liking, fatuous, and infatuation will eventually grow boring and lead to dissatisfaction.
I believe that over time these types of love grow bored because they are based more on passion and the desire for sex. I believe there comes a point in time for every individual, where sex is not as important as it once was. If the only thing two people have in common is sex, then over the period of their lifespan I think it would only be natural for them to grow bored with each other because that's all they have in common.
On the other hand, two people who's love is based on being intimate with each (which I believe involoves more than just sex, such as cuddling, kissing, hugging) are more likely to flourish as well as if they have a strong commitment to one another. Passion is important as well, but if it is the basis for the relationship, I believe overtime it will inevitably fail.
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